Getting there :-)

Last week I jumped on the stage at the stupidly early 5am… I was up 200gms. Not happy Jan but a good wake up call re a couple of bad habits that had been sneaking back in. Just as an experiment I jumped on the scales the next day at the more reasonable hour of 8am (no early training for me on Thursdays) and I was actually down. I took the Wednesday weight as official though.

On Saturday my knee gave out during bootcamp. I’ve been getting pain in it more and more frequently so finally decided to bite the bullet and see a physio. I managed to get an appointment later saturday morning which was fantastic. The result of seeing the physio though isn’t so hot – apparently i have “runners knee”. Me. Who always used to say I hated running, who has only just started loving it, is now not allowed to run at all. Me that used to be a couch potato now has a sports injury! I had to laugh, although I do admit some tears were shed when I was told no running at all for at least 2 weeks…. although that might have had something to do with the physios thumb being pressed into my ITB at the time. No one ever told me physio HURTS! So anyway turns out my ITB is stupidly tight (readers be warned – do NOT put off your stretches. Do them DAILY!) and as a result my knee is now inflamed which is why I have a grinding sensation and pain after running. I’m not allowed to run, squat, lunge, cycle, swim breaststroke, do stairs or basically anything where there is load bearing on the bent knee. This seriously impacts my regular training! I’m determined to not let it beat me though. I’ve been walking at least an hour every day since I was told no running. I switched my regular outdoor toning session yesterday for a Kimax class and just modified the things I couldn’t do – while the class was doing squats, I did pushups, instead of kneeing the bag, I kneed the air, I walked instead of ran the warm up. It did mean I burned fewer calories than normal, but at least I got to do something FUN! I’m Kimaxing again tonight and tomorrow instead of pump class I’m going to a stroke correction swim class. I have been told the knee should be ok for the RAW Challenge as long as I follow instructions and no running between now and then. I really want to do RAW and follow it up with the 10km in Melbourne 2 weeks later so I am being a good girl and doing as I am told. Not easy though.

I also emailed the 12WBT support team as the injury means i can’t complete my fitness test for Week 4, and they offered some great advice and support for keeping on track and modifying my exercise program. It really is great to be signed up to a program where I don’t feel like just another number and where they show genuine interest in you

Which brings me to this morning’s weigh in. 1.6kgs down from last Wednesday. HAPPY DAYS! It also brings up over 25kgs lost since I started this journey. This last 5 have been a very slow process so it feels really good to be ticking off that accomplishment. It means I can focus on the next one (getting into the 60s). I’m hoping to do that in the next 5 – 6 weeks. Wish me luck… ohhh news just in… just checked and I AM NO LONGER OBESE!!! Take that crappy BMI!!!! I may be “overweight” but I have moved from Severely Obese, through Obese and am now merely “overweight”. Doing the happy dance right now!!!

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Living and Loving Life!

This weekend was the kind of weekend I want to continue to have for the rest of my life. It all started Friday morning when the run club girls decided to hold Flouro Friday. The mere act of dressing up in bright colours just gave a special feeling to the air and everyone was just a little silly. The session, despite being a tough one involving cross country running up hills and rock staircases absolutely flew by. I couldn’t believe it when it was over!

the run club girls get a little silly :-)

the run club girls get a little silly 🙂

Friday night I caught up with friends for dinner and drinks. I put on my magic birthday dress from Leona Edmiston (magic because when i put it on I seem to instantly lose a dress size), and caught the ferry into Darling Harbour on a gorgeous sunny afternoon. Not bad for winter! I felt great and I must have looked ok too because during the 2 minute walk from the ferry to the pub I got hit on! 5.30 in the afternoon and the guy was sober! First time in my life that has happened and it definitely gave me an ego boost. I didn’t count calories Friday night. I ate, I drank, I had an awesome evening with my friends…. and I got hit on no less than 3 times!

Unfortunately I drank a little too much so although I was awake and raring to go in time for bootcamp on Saturday morning I was in fact still too inebriated to drive there. Instead I spent the day marveling at how I was as wobbly on my legs as if I had done a heavy bootcamp session and getting ready for the Glow Run.  Saturday night, the Sydney Glow Run was my first ever fun run. I painted my official entry shirt, stocked up on the glow sticks and headed in for a fun night of running and dancing around Darling Harbour. I used to think “fun run” was an oxymoron. There’s nothing “fun” about running… except maybe when you stop. Saturday night changed my mind though. Hanging out with my friends, dressing up like crazy people, being surrounded by thousands of other people doing the same thing on a balmy Sydney evening,  it was AWESOME! The course was 5km around Darling Harbour and Pyrmont. It wasn’t a timed event and there were stations every couple of kms where they had music playing. I ran, and danced my way around the course, dodging regular folks who I’m sure thought we were all crazy as they headed to the Darling Harbour restaurants. I LOVED it!!! I’ll definitely be doing more fun runs 🙂 I decided it would be just as fast to walk home from the event than to take public transport, plus i was still feeling guilty about missing bootcamp, so I walked. An hour later I was home and ready to collapse into bed.

My first ever event pack!

My first ever event pack!

Party at the end of Glow Run

Party at the end of Glow Run

I’m not really sure why but Saturday night seemed to take more of a toll on my body than I expected so I skipped my planned 10km run this morning – I didnt want to hold anyone up if I couldn’t run the whole distance. I spent the day cleaning out my spare room, and finding clothes that had been too tight that were now too big. This afternoon I did the bay walk in the sunshine with a gorgeous friend

It was far from perfect but it has been an AWESOME weekend! I want more and more of those types of weekend in my future.

Getting back into the swing of things… slowly

Down 700g for this week. Better than last week. It did teach me not to do sneaky mid week weigh ins though.. I was down a whole kilo as of Sunday and did nothing “wrong” between then and today to warrant the increase of 300g.  700g for a week like this is good though. Nutrition is still not 100%. I think I hit the worst of it on the weekend though. Friday run club which I normally LOVE, I ended up in tears. We were doing hill runs which are never easy, but when you’ve filled your body with crap for weeks leading up to them they are downright horrendous. I’m a stubborn cow though, so I kept pushing myself. Could hardly breathe (to the point where people asked me if i was asthmatic), wanted to throw up but was so damned mad at myself I just kept pushing. The girls were amazing though. I truly am blessed to have so much support around me. Coach took me aside for a bit of a chat and kept checking in with me all day. Result: first crap free day all week.

Saturday I was determined to bang out a real super session. I did bootcamp in the morning as usual, then got the shopping done and headed out to Homebush to meet up with a friend to try and complete a 10km run. By the time we started it was 11am and Sydney had turned on an absolute pearler of a day. Bright blue skies and warm sunshine…. about 1km in I was cursing that sunshine. It felt HOT! No shade out there, but the lovely Kate had mapped out a nice flat route for my first 10km. I couldn’t let her down. It wasn’t fast (1hr 13min) and it defintely wasn’t pretty… and I fought with myself the whole way around but it got DONE! 10.3km non stop. A personal record for me. Thank goodness Kate accepts that i’m a little crazy and didnt freak out when I started yelling at my legs (body was doing that thing where it works a pain around the body… shin splints, stitch, shoulder pain etc which was fine, until it went back to shin splints and I dedided that doubling back was against the rules). Not did it phase her when i started chanting “I can do this” in time with our footfalls outloud to try and quiet the voice in my head that was telling me I was too fat/old/unfit etc to do this. I must say that that is the most negative my head has ever been during a run. It’s scary. Thankfully the out loud chanting and the support of my wonderful running partner got me through it. There was no runners high at the end of that run (at least not for me – Kate on the other hand was flying high after running way slower than she usually would so I could keep up) but I was really pleased that I won the mental battle and got it done. I followed it up on Monday with another 9km + run near home. Legs were aching and I didnt manage to run the steep hill after the stairs that time but I did run the rest and theres no shame in walking 120m up a 45′ gradient 8km in.  I did manage all 75 burpees and 150 lunges (75 each leg) at the end of the toning session last night so its no wonder my legs are dead today.

Food the rest of the week has been pretty good until today. I broke down and ate chocolate in spite of my pledge to stay off it completely for this week. No real reason just an “I want it” and couldn’t be bothered fighting the impulse for too long. Not going to beat myself up though. Tonight its off to Kimax and I’ll beat up the boxing bag instead. Also gives my legs a little bit of a break as I’m not going to do a run today (other than running around in class).

So the week isn’t perfect but it’s not that bad and the scales are still moving in the right direction. Hopefully things just keep getting better from here

Figuring out the why

Well today is Weigh In Wednesday… or as it has been rebranded – Weekly Checkpoint Wednesday. I’m not jumping with joy today although I probably should be. I lost 300gms. The number itself is not jumpworthy but the fact I lost anything at all given the week I have had food wise probably is. But I’m not jumping. I’m disappointed in myself. I have eaten myself stupid this week. Not just at the 3 social events I’ve had where I ate (and drank) way more than I needed to either. What most disappoints me is what is happening at home. Boredom and unpreparedness are my worst enemies. Monday I had a morning with Nanna which is never fun. Stupid thing was I thought it was Tuesday morning that i had her, so when the reminder went off in my phone for her appointment it threw me totally out of sorts. I did grab a healthy breakfast before i ran out the door but that was it. My laziness over the weekend also meant I hadn’t done the weekly shopping, so after finishing with Nanna I stopped off at Coles on my way home… but by then I was hungry. I should NEVER shop when I’m hungry. Especially when i have been craving crap, namely red rock deli chips, for days. Result was I detoured down the crap aisle and specifically bought chips… AND chocolate. Then I ate the bloody chips in the car on the way home. The whole large bag! To top that off when i got home, instead of making myself a healthy lunch i ate an entire block of chocolate. I can’t even blame TTOM! It’s total self sabotage. 1800 cals of self sabotage. That was the “lunch” my body was supposed to draw the nutrients it needs to fuel me for the afternoon from.

Now my body is an absolutely amazing machine. Tuesday night I went for a run. My body, fuelled by total rubbish, ran 9.3km in 1hr and 4 min including running up stairs and some decent hills. My body is a miracle. I am in awe of it. 9.3km!

That run felt FANTASTIC. Even whilst I was doing it! Well ok it was mainly the last 1km which was downhill which felt fantastic but still it felt right. Feeding my face chips and chocolate did not feel right. It felt wrong. Why then did I do it? Why is it that sitting here now writing this post I want to do it again? Why 8 months into this journey have I not learned this lesson?

I need to figure out the why. I need to start being totally honest. The nutrition slippage hasn’t just happened. It’s been going on for a while now. It’s been pretty bad almost constantly since my birthday. (result being I am only 200g lighter than I was 3 weeks ago).  The only reason my weight isn’t up I think is because I seem to have found my running mojo. I need to control the food. I have a sneaking suspicion that all the compliments I have been receiving lately may have something to do with it. My family and friends have really started to notice the loss and are telling me I look great. They are telling me they are PROUD of me. Is that it? Do I not think I deserve pride and praise? Am I self sabotaging to prove them wrong? I mean I’ve been proud of myself. I guess though, the pride I have found in myself has not been about the weight loss. I have been proud of achieving distances or times in my runs. I have been proud of finishing challenges I thought impossible. The weightloss though doesn’t feel like an achievement. In all honesty I sometimes feel guilty about it. It’s been easy. Shit now I’ve said it out loud I realise there is a lot of guilt associated with that. Weightloss is not meant to be easy right? If it was easy I should have done it years ago… or never let myself become a 98kg 156cm blimp in the first place. But really doing the 12WBT the weightloss part is easy. Follow the program (food + exercise) and the weight comes off. Simple. But yet not so simple. My head is my biggest enemy.

motivation 4

I need to convince myself that I am worthy of praise. Worthy of people’s faith in me. I need to believe it is ok not to be invisible (note to self write blog on invisibility). I need to learn how to live in this new slimmer but still far from slim body. I need to value what it can do enough to fuel it right. I know this in the logical part of my brain, but obviously there is another part of me that is still struggling with these concepts or else I would not be eating enough to fuel a Romanian weight lifting team! I feel like I am letting people down. The amazing pink ladies (12WBT inner westies) who on a daily basis inspire me with their amazing achievements. I present this front to them. I pretend I am in control. That I’m smashing goals. But I’m not. I’m stuffing my face. I’m lying to them and to myself. My family who are so proud. My friends who show so much faith in me and who bought me such thoughtful gifts for my birthday for this new body. I am letting them all down. But mostly i am letting myself down. I just don’t know how to stop… and I’m SCARED, I’m so scared I will go back to that fat unhappy blob. I don’t want to do that. I want to be the fit, healthy PJ everyone else thinks I am becoming. I just need to fix my head

motivation 24 motivation 30 motivation 50

*Edit: Sorry if this post is rambling. I find just putting thoughts on paper can sometimes help me.

the return of DOMS

Wednesday’s weigh in was another pleasant surprise. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly my body responds to eating well and moving more. Down 1kg in only a couple of days! That puts me at only 100gm more than I weighed on the morning of my birthday and given the amount of calories consumed since then I’m really pleased!

What is not so pleasing is the pain I am in. I didn’t think I had upped the exercise ante that much but, I have bad DOMS for the first time in months!  Run club this morning was agony. I hope my fellow runners didnt find me rude – I was so busy talking to myself to get through it that I ignored everyone around me. After running I went for a nice long walk with a friend. We took the pace nice and easy – 2 hours for 11km but it hasn’t helped. I’m not sure what the people behind me thought as I limped down the stairs! This week’s exercise has consisted of:

Monday: 11.3km walk

Tuesday: Outdoor toning session with lunge walks, squat jumps and what felt like a million pushups

Wednesday: 7.4km run followed by about 600m walking and another 1km running. Granted this was the furthest I’d ever run in one session but previously had run 7.3 so not a big difference. A couple of extra hills (not steep) in this route

Thursday: nothing (partly due to extra hours at work partly due to being in agony and making excuses.

Friday: approx 5.3km run in run club (done in loops of just around 1km with rest breaks in between) and later a slow 11km walk.

So really nothing out of the ordinary to explain the quad and calf pain. I know it’s not serious, and I know it wont last much longer. It’s just funny having to ease myself down onto the toilet again after so long! Good to know I can still push myself beyond my previous capabilities.

Turning 40, reflections and beginnings

Last Friday I turned the big 4 0. In all honesty i wasn’t sure how I would handle the day. There are so many things I thought I would have in my life by that age that i don’t – the two biggest being a husband/ partner and children, Whilst the first is definitely attainable after 40, children are most likely not. So I thought there was a good chance of a breakdown come dawn on Friday when i suddenly realised I was a barren old spinster. I’d been on a high in the days leading up to it but thought that might have been the “manic” before the depression.

Funny thing though, I woke up on the anniversary of my birth in a great mood… I stayed in a great mood all day and well into the weekend. I credit that in a big way to this journey I am on. I feel so much better about myself now. It’s not just the weight either. I mean I have weighed this weight before and I didn’t like who I was and I hated how I looked… and I got bigger… and bigger… and BIGGER. Now, whilst I still don’t love the way I look naked  (saggy bits are sooo unattractive), I’m actually starting to think I look pretty good – especially in a nice frock 🙂 As for how I feel about myself… well dare I say it? I am starting to love who I am. I’m proud of what I have achieved. I’m not perfect by any stretch but I believe I am a good person, and by the wonderful people I seem to be attracting into my life at the moment I have to believe that other people think I’m pretty good too. Actually that deserves a bit of a re write…. I may not do everything perfectly but I AM PERFECT! There is nothing “wrong” with me that needs to be “fixed”. I am perfect the way I am and the way I am is constantly improving if that makes any sense. (admittedly I may be blocking any thoughts about what is not in my life and just focussing on the great things I do have to keep my mood elevated)

So I jumped out of bed on my birthday morning and weighed in :- 75kgs. on the dot. I was thrilled 🙂 23kgs down since I started. Still another 15 to go but I’d reached the goal I set for round 2 and I was happy 🙂 I had also decided that I was not going to count calories on my birthday weekend and was just going to enjoy myself. That started with a delicious Vietnamese feast with the family on Friday night, (not horrendous calorie wise until my sweetheart brother surprised me with a chocolate mudcake topped with profiteroles and chocolate shavings for dessert!), continued through an amazing Middle Eastern feast with 22 friends on Saturday (complete with several glasses of wine, baklava and a birthday bombe alaska) and was supposed to end with a lovely baked dinner with my brother’s family (where we finished off the rest of that mudcake). Note I said “supposed” to finish there. I was full of good intentions that come Monday morning I would be straight back into eating clean and training hard. Unfortunately that didn’t happen. I knew I was going to Canberra for a work trip on Wednesday but I had 2 days i could have controlled my food and didn’t. Part of it was being unorganised (hugely busy weekend meant no shopping had been done), part of it was a previously promised trip to Zumbos (OMG orange and apricot Zonut – pure heaven (and heart attack) on a plate!), but part of it was those old excuses rearing their ugly heads again: “Everyone is saying how good I look, surely I can stop now”, and “the round doesn’t start until next Monday, I ‘deserve’ a break”. So nothing achieved Monday and Tuesday other than one run. Then i hit Canberra with the work crew and whilst I organised myself enough to take breakfast (although only for 2 days instead of the 3 i was down there) I didn’t make the healthiest choices at lunch and dinner. Yesterday was just ridiculous – McDonalds for breakfast (just a bacon and egg muffin – within calorie allowance and not too bad) but then Oportos for lunch WITH chips! and then for dinner instead of pulling on the reins, I decided to bake myself 2 drumsticks and a too large potato. I thought I had drawn the line in the sand then, but after doing my fitness test this morning and deciding to do the shopping before coming home for breakfast I ended up eating a Kit Kat for breakfast. It seems I still have a LOT to learn.

I guess the reason that I’m posting all of that is for accountability. I have well and truly dropped the ball this week – and as a result I have gained 1.1kgs as of this morning. That is not good. It is not however the end of the world. I have done my shopping so I am now prepared for the week ahead. I do have my brother’s birthday dinner tonight (Thai feast) and whilst I will no doubt still go over my calories at least i won’t be drinking so that will save some. I wont beat myself up though. I know that is the last big social function for a while. I’m going to take this round 1 week at a time (perhaps even one day at a time). I’ve been doing my preseason tasks today to get my head ready.  I am going to give it my all. I’m reposting my commitment here to keep me accountable to you the lovely people who take the time to read my ramblings: My commitment is to give this round my all. No slacking off and allowing bad habits (and chocolate binges) to creep back in. I’m committed to keeping up with my running and to running 10km regularly by the end of the round. Whilst doing that I will lose 8-10kgs

I’ve redone my goals too:

During the next month I will:

Lose 2.6kg
Complete the Sydney Glow Run
Run 8km non stop

and over the course of the next 12 weeks I will:

run 10km without stopping and compete in Melbourne Marathon Festival in 10km event
Lose 8kg
Compete in RAW Challenge

It all begins again now and again every morning I am blessed enough to open my eyes.

I want to earn the faith my friends and family have shown in me. For my birthday my beautiful friends got me a session with a stylist, (including 2 hours of shopping and some vouchers to pay for my new wardrobe!) and a bottle of Moet to toast the occasion – an absolutely perfect gift. My wonderful family got my some http://www.redballoon.com.au vouchers so I can do something really memorable, and a fabulous “Love Life” photo collage frame so I can celebrate my achievements and the events I am entering. I am truly grateful to have these amazing people in my life. Without them I would be nowhere.

I absolutely adore this Leona Edmiston dress. I felt a million dollars!

I absolutely adore this Leona Edmiston dress. I felt a million dollars!

Kazbah bombe

Dexa Scan Results at halfway

Today I went for my second Dexa scan of this journey at Measure Up in Sydney (www.measureup.com.au) . Some of you may remember when I went for my original scan back in January. It was a traumatic experience with horrendous results and I was in tears. I did however manage to walk back home from the appointment in the city and it took me almost an hour and a half. You can read about the full experience here: https://searchtofindrealpj.wordpress.com/2013/01/11/a-different-kind-of-before-photo/ if you are interested.

Today though I was actually looking forward to the scan results. I wanted to see how I was going. One of the dangers of doing a low calorie program like 12WBT is that you can actually start losing muscle instead of fat. (1200 cals a day is considered low). I wanted to make sure I was losing fat.

So I was feeling kind of positive as I climbed up onto the scanning bed. This time as the Michellin man image started to appear, the old image was beside it, and whilst I still look humongous, I could already see that there was a lot less of me than in the previous image. Then came the results. Since my last scan (taken at the end of warm up for round 1) I have lost 19.4kgs. Of that 19.4kg, 16.9kg of it was FAT! Thats almost 17kg of fat gone from my body. That is the same as the average weight of a 4 year old! I’m thrilled 🙂 in addition to that I have only lost 2.5kg of muscle. I still have over 45kg of muscle so apparently that small loss is no big deal. My consultant was thrilled. So much so they’ve asked if I will be “scan of the month” for their facebook page to inspire other people. I’m a bit chuffed 🙂

Here is a comparison of the two scans:

Scan from Jan on left, Aug on right, 19.4kg lighter, 16.9kg fat gone forever

19.4kg lighter, 16.9kg fat gone forever Yellow is fat, red is lean muscle mass and blue is bone

 

There is still too much fat there. I am still made up of 29.5kg of fat or 38% of my body weight. I need to get that down under 25%. But whereas my last scan recommendation was to lose 24-27kg of fat, (a HUGELY daunting number) this scan the recommendation is to lose 9-10kg of fat. That seems highly achievable!

After the end of the scan i didn’t just walk home. I RAN home. in under 45 minutes. Almost half the time of that depressing walk in January. I love this scan because it really shows how this is assisting my health. I’m going to take a copy to my doctor this afternoon and I know she will be pleased. I’m looking forward to having another one done in January when hopefully I will be down to healthy levels!