Stumped

Funnily enough today’s task “organise and diarise” was a hard one for me. My life is so unscheduled and I tend to fly by the seat of my pants. I am also CRAP at keeping a written diary. I tend to write things in and then forget they are there. I have therefore “adapted” the task (hope that is ok). Instead of writing things in an actual diary that I will probably lose/forget to look in etc, I’ve put all my exercise appointments in my phone’s calendar. This also links them with my google calendar so even if I lose the phone I have them. I already keep my social engagements in there (facebook events go in automatically) as my phone is always with me so I can put things in as they come up and check for clashes etc. The phone calendar has the added bonus of allowing me to set alerts for events. So now I will get an audio reminder for every scheduled training session. When I add a social function in I can see what sort of training session is set for that day and when and adjust things accordingly. I’ve scheduled a couple of extra cardio training sessions on days when I have a social functions on rest days – I figure doing a walk those days will at least combat some prospective damage from the sunday social meals smile

I hit a bit of a roadblock with the mini goals though… I couldnt think of any. Then I remembered the goal setting task so back I went. I already had the 1 month goal, and the 3 month so it was just a matter of setting the 8 week one… or so I thought. Previously my 1 month goal was to run the Iron Cove Bridge without stopping. Well I’ve achieved that so now I want to be able to do it every time (I only made 2/3 last time). My 3 month goal was to run 1km without stopping. My running is improving so I’m thinking I can get to that by 8 weeks… so now I need a new 3 month goal. This is hard as I am going overseas in week 9 and wont be back until the end of the round. There isnt anything specifically physical I have planned for the trip (other than making sure I keep up with training) so I’m not sure. I want to make sure that by the time I get home I can still run the 1km without stopping. If I was around for finale then I would say training with Michelle but it looks like finale is before I get home. The goal is supposed to be something really big but I just can’t think of anything sad If I can get to my weight targets that will make me ecstatically happy but I don’t think thats the milestone Michelle is expecting.

I feel bad I can’t seem to complete this task. I just need to figure out some sort of 12 week milestone. Time to put the thinking cap on :-/

Feeling Good

ok have to jump on here and have a bit of a brag. I headed back to the Bay this afternoon. For the first time in I don’t know how long, I was doing it on my own with no one to push me so it was totally up to me. Unfortunately I couldn’t make it all the way across the long bridge running without stopping in the middle but I think that’s because I powered up the steep hill just before the bridge. I must have kept powering too because I managed to knock 6 minutes off my previous best time!!!! I jogged several sections of the bay and surprised myself when I stopped the timer at 1hr 7min and 27 sec. I think back to January 1 when I did it in 1hr 13 and that was being pushed along by a couple of lovely but much fitter women. Tonight it was only me pushing myself. I’m so proud of myself right now wink Wish I could bottle this feeling!

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From Sloth to Doing the Happy Dance

Happy to report that I’m back in a really positive mindframe. Food / calorie wise I’ve had a good week. I even managed to have takeaway “junk” food at the cricket on Saturday without blowing my calories for the day and without skipping a meal so I was happy about that. Exercise wise there were a couple of tough days. Sunday, due to the pouring rain my planned 10km walk was canned. No big deal. I have alternatives for rainy days (thanks to the no excuses task). As I had nothing specific on though I didnt set an alarm and just slept until I woke up naturally… turns out that was 11:30 am! half the day gone. I figure I must have been really tired as I was dead to the world the whole time. Unfortunately though that left me a bit behind the 8 ball. I decided to skip lunch that day as I wasnt awake for a whole day so it seemed silly to cram the same amount of food into half the regular time frame. I also found I just couldn’t make myself JFDI and get the exercise done (Friday had been my rest day). The only exercise I did all day was my squat-a-thon squats and housework (mind you the place needed a good going over and it’s so much nicer now that the floors are all washed vacuuming done etc. I wasnt too hard on myself though and figured Monday is a new day. I ate well so not a totally bad day.

Monday I was in a total funk. Had a social disappointment early in the morning which just totally messed with my head. I watched Mish’s video on cleaning out the kitchen but even that didn’t shake me out of my funk. Being a public holiday here, Monday was the perfect day to do that task but I just could not bring myself to start it. (excuses). I had a hard time getting myself to do anything on Monday. (squats got done and grocery shopping but that’s it). Stupid thing is the whole day I knew I was being ridiculous. I knew I should throw a dvd on and move my butt, I knew if I did that I would feel better but I realise now I didn’t really want to feel better. I wanted to wallow and wallow I did. A great big sloth wasting her life away on the couch letting someone else control her happiness. Pathetic. At least I didn’t go into total sabotage mode though – I still stuck to my calorie limit for the day and that in itself is a MASSIVE win on a day like that (especially as I hadnt done the task yet so there was stuff in the house I could have blown it on).

It took me until about 9pm to shake myself out of that funk (actually even that is an improvement – previously I’ve had funks that last weeks). I went into the kitchen opened the pantry and just stared at it. Next thing you know I was chucking stuff out like a demon and the bin was full. Next I attacked the fridge and not in my (previously) normal manner of eating anything and everything in it either. It got a good cleanout. It was amazing how much better I felt once I’d actually done that!

Tuesday I was back on the exercise train and loving it! Did my second day of c25k and found I could run the full 60 sec intervals without looking down to see how much longer I had to run. What’s more I found myself looking during the walking intervals to see when it was time to run again!!! I guess turning my thoughts from “I hate running” to “I am learning to like running” has worked as I really am learning to like it. It’s funny how much more enjoyable it is when I’m not panting and wheezing and feeling like I’m going to die any second smile

Which brings us to today… Weigh In Wednesday. Now those of you who have read my blogs (and I am so grateful to you all for sharing this with me) will know that I have had trouble recently with only losing small amounts, and whilst happy with consistent drops have been pining for a bigger number. Well today I got it. 1 WHOLE KILO!!!! I found myself jumping up and down and squealing like a little kid (good thing I live alone or people might have wondered what was going on in that bathroom!) What’s more, today marks over 5kg (5.2 in fact) that I have lost in pre season / warm up. That means I have earned myself a reward (and I really do feel I’ve earned it through hard work and sweat!) I think I will be booking in for that massage this week wink

I still have a lot to learn about overcoming my moods so they don’t affect my exercise, but I think (hope?) that I’m finally getting to a place where I have more control over my food. So yeah while there have been ups and downs I am feeling GREAT about where I am and where I am heading. I hope everyone else is feeling good too.

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Making A Commitment

This morning’s task was to make a commitment to friends family etc. To share with them our goals and to basically vow to them that we would do everything within our power to achieve them. Now I’ve told a few people that I’m doing the 12wbt program – My brothers and their wives know, as well as a couple of close friends and one friend who is also a colleague. At first I thought that sufficed for the task but then I realised that whilst I had told them I was doing the program, that’s not exactly the same as making a commitment to someone and making myself accountable. So I decided to actually make the commitment and look people in the eye and say it out loud.

Its funny you know, even though I’ve talked constantly about the program since I signed up, saying it out loud in the form of a commitment was a lot harder than I thought it would be. The first person I made my commitment to was my work colleague / friend. I probably spend more time with him than anyone else due to working together and that we often socialise outside work. I figured he is the one most likely to notice if I start to slack off on the exercise or if I’m eating crap at work (the cupcakes that get brought in regularly or just drive through rubbish because I haven’t bothered to organise proper food). So today, when we had some privacy in the office, I sat him down, looked him in the eye and made my commitment to him. I also gave him permission (or rather asked him to promise to do it) to give me a good kick up the butt if I started to wane in my enthusiasm and tried to slack off. For some reason saying it like that to him, I felt tears starting to burn again. I think its just that this is another example of how this time its different. This time I know I will succeed and I will have to say goodbye to all this fat that I have hid behind for so long.

I’ve also posted my commitment in a couple of facebook groups that I am a member of. I don’t want to post it as a general status on my facebook as there are certain people that see that, that I don’t want to know just yet. They will notice the changes soon enough, but I don’t want to give them a chance to poison me with their negativity. I’ve posted my commitment on the forums too.

The one person I hadn’t said it out loud to, that I really needed to was myself. I’d written it down, I’ve been working pretty hard exercising regularly, eating around 1200 cals a day and sticking to the changes I’ve e been making as part of the warm up challenges and pre season tasks, but I hadn’t actually made a promise to myself. So I just went into my spare bedroom where there is a low enough mirror. I looked myself dead in the eye and I made a commitment to myself. I couldn’t stop the tears this time. I cried through every word of it, but I put the “talking to yourself is stupid” line out of my head and I made the commitment to myself out loud. It felt incredibly powerful. When I talked about the fat I am going to lose I was able to look directly at that fat. Knowing that with each passing day there is a little less of it and that I will NEVER again be as overweight and unhealthy as I am right now.

So now I am going to make my commitment here. I make this commitment to those sharing this journey with me and those that are following my progress:

My commitment is to use 2013 to become the healthiest and best version of myself possible. I will do this by following the 12wbt program for as many rounds as it takes me to lose my excess weight of around 30kgs. I will do this by giving my training sessions everything I have and by not being lazy with my food choices. I will do this by not forgetting about my goals/training/ the program while I am overseas or away from home. I will do this by continuing with training sessions when travelling and by making the healthiest food choices I can during those times. I will do this by not giving in to my excuses. I WILL DO THIS!

Beat the Heat

Well it’s Weigh in Wednesday again. I wasn’t overly hopeful this week. I’ve been eating the 1200 cals, drinking loads of water and exercising regularly but I just didn’t “feel” any lighter for some reason. Lucky for me the scales disagreed and I’m 500g closer to my goal smile I did have a few moments of feeling flat about it again (sooooo many people seem to be pulling big numbers!!! You guys are AWESOME), but I was thankfully reminded by some supportive peeps that it isn’t a race and any loss is a good loss so I’m going to be happy with it.

I have been feeling a bit drained lately. Too much drama around me lately and I don’t feel like I can walk away from all of it. I am going to try and minimise it where possible though. I just have to remember that I can’t fix everyone else’s problems and need to concentrate on my own.

I had an interesting training session today. I was feeling hot and muggy after work and didn’t feel like walking, plus it looked like rain. I was tempted to call today my rest day but I realised that its days when I’m feeling flat like today that I most need the mood lift offered by training. With that in mind I headed down to the small gym we have at the office (just a treadmill and a weights machine but it is air-conditioned . I couldn’t get the cd player there to work which was frustrating, but on a whim I decided to download the C25K program so many people have been talking about and give it a go. Well waiting for the beeps to change pace and having to fiddle with the buttons on the tready regularly kept me entertained for the full 30min of the program and surprisingly I managed to jog all of the running spurts! I will admit I was looking at the clock at around the 45sec mark of each of the 60 sec bursts, but I was also looking before the walking intervals were up and wanting to run again.

Feeling pretty pleased with that I grabbed the boxing gloved and headed out to the non airconditioned area to belt out some of my frustrations on the standing dummy we have. I tell you what that felt GOOD. So good I may go do it again tomorrow! I’d wanted to do at least an hour, so I jumped back on the treadmill for the last 15 min and did hill intervals. When the hour was up I had burned just over 500 cals and was feeling a whole lot better about things.

Well it’s Weigh in Wednesday again. I wasn’t overly hopeful this week. I’ve been eating the 1200 cals, drinking loads of water and exercising regularly but I just didnt “feel” any lighter for some reason. Lucky for me the scales disagreed and I’m 500g closer to my goal smile I did have a few moments of feeling flat about it again (sooooo many people seem to be pulling big numbers!!! You guys are AWESOME), but I was thankfully reminded by some supportive peeps that it isnt a race and any loss is a good loss so I’m going to be happy with it.

I have been feeling a bit drained lately. Too much drama around me lately and I don’t feel like I can walk away from all of it. I am going to try and minimise it where possible though. I just have to remember that I can’t fix everyone elses problems and need to concentrate on my own.

I had an interesting training session today. I was feeling hot and muggy after work and didn’t feel like walking, plus it looked like rain. I was tempted to call today my rest day but I realised that its days when I’m feeling flat like today that I most need the mood life offered by training. With that in mind I headed down to the small gym we have at the office (just a treadmill and a weights machine but it is air-conditioned . I couldn’t get the cd player there to work which was frustrating, but on a whim I decided to download the C25K program so many people have been talking about and give it a go. Well waiting for the beeps to change pace and having to fiddle with the buttons on the tready regularly kept me entertained for the full 30min of the program and surprisingly I managed to jog all of the running spurts! I will admit I was looking at the clock at around the 45sec mark of each of the 60 sec bursts, but I was also looking before the walking intervals were up and wanting to run again.

Feeling pretty pleased with that I grabbed the boxing gloved and headed out to the non air-conditioned area to belt out some of my frustrations on the standing dummy we have. I tell you what that felt GOOD. So good i may go do it again tomorrow! I’d wanted to do at least an hour, so i jumped back on the treadmill for the last 15 min and did hill intervals. When the hour was up i had burned just over 500 cals and was feeling a whole lot better about things.

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Subconscious Self Sabotage

I’ve been thinking lately about my previous efforts to lose weight and I’ve noticed a few things. My biggest problem I think was that I always addressed food and exercise separately (either going on a diet OR exercising) and that I NEVER addressed the mental aspects of why I binge on junk, why I don’t exercise, why I allowed myself to build up this much fat and let my fitness fall to that of someone twice my age. I guess that’s what attracted me to the 12WBT program – it’s a total package. I also liked that instead of packaged meals it will teach me to cook healthy versions of foods I normally like to eat, and introduce me to some (hopefully) new favourites.

Then I started thinking specifically about exercise. I have always found diets much easier to stick to than exercise plans, and so I started thinking about what causes me to stop once I’ve started. What I realised shocked me. My body starts to try and sabotage my efforts! I’ve always known the mind was a powerful thing (have been known to be vomiting for a few days when there is something I am supposed to do but really don’t want to but medically there is nothing wrong with me) but this is ridiculous. Here I have been trying to do something good for my body, something I thought I wanted and yet my mind was somehow convincing my body to throw up road blocks. There’s a pattern too:

Week 1: utter exhaustion. Can’t wake up in the mornings. Seem to need to sleep 16 hours a day.
Week 2: blisters.
Week 3: Head cold symptoms.
Week 4: Hips ache
Week 5: random muscle cramps
Week 6: Knees hurt

I must admit the knees is a new one as I’ve never gotten this far through the cycle before. I’ve always given up at one of the previous road blocks. I think I’ve only been to Week 5 once before and that was when I’d paid for a group of PT sessions. The stupid thing about me giving up previously is that if I had just worked through each road block as it comes up instead of giving up, they actually go away. I still have occasional days where I need more sleep but its nothing like week 1. My blisters have almost completely healed. Headcold – gone. Hips and muscle cramps – barely a twinge this week.

It’s almost like my body is asking me “Do you really want to do this?”, “Are you sure you are ready?” and trying to give me an option to back out gracefully by blaming it on one of those factors instead of on myself (excuses anyone?). It’s tried doing it with food too – cravings for things I hardly ever eat normally but now think I MUST have.

So instead of looking at them as sabotage attempts, or road blocks, I’ve decided to look at them differently. They are tests- making me recommit to my goals every time a new one comes up. So far I’ve been passing with flying colours and I’m quite proud of myself for that smile They are also farewells. Each time one comes up I am saying goodbye to an excuse that used to hold me back. I’m not scared of them any more. I’m in awe of the power my mind has over my body, and am determined to harness that power and use it for good instead of harm (and hoping that if I can turn the conscious mind around the sub conscious will follow). I’m actually rather interested to see what it throws at me next… and how long it takes before it stops trying to test me and starts working with me.

You see this time I KNOW I’m going to make it all the way through. I know it because I can feel the fears associated with what my life will be like when the weight is gone – when I can no longer use my fat as an excuse for holding back in the rest of my life. Those fears are real but they aren’t debilitating, because right along side them is this optimism about the things I will be able to do.. and about the things I’ve already started to do. Each day the fear subsides just a little and the optimism burns just a little brighter. I am winning this war… and for me it is a war – with numerous battles against inner demons and a lifetime of bad habits. I have lost battles in the past but I have learned from them. I’m equipping myself with the right arsenal this time – fighting the battles simultaneously on all fronts so that dreaded mental stuff can’t outflank and do a sneak attack on me. Most importantly I’m getting myself the right support troops:
– The fabulous people I’ve met on these forums and in the facebook groups that I know I can lean on when necessary and that I hope know they can lean on me too.
– The inspiring people I’ve met in person who have done previous rounds of 12WBT and turned their lives around
– and my “intell cell”. The people involved in the 12WBT program themselves. Exercise gurus, nutritionists etc that are giving me the tools I need to get this done.

When I look at that I see what a formidable army I’ve got around me. It’s both humbling and empowering. I know that its me that has to do the day to day “dirty work” but its also me that gets to reap the rewards.

I can’t wait for the round to kick off fully but in the mean time I’m really enjoying the battles I’m already winning.

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A New Kind of Fear

I’ve noticed a bit of a shift in myself lately and I’m not sure it’s a good thing. I’m finding that I am afraid of stepping out of my new routine. When a friend suggests catching up for lunch or dinner I try to make excuses to avoid it as I’m not sure I’ll be able to work out how many calories are in the food I’ll eat even if I think I’m making a healthy choice. Why can’t menus give you a calorie breakdown? (menus at cafes and restaurants I mean not fast food takeaways). I don’t want to become a social pariah and food is a big part of my social activities so I need to find a healthy way to deal with it. One off big social events where I know its going to be a big calorie meal, but I have advanced warning for I’m not so scared of. It’s the regular lunch out or spontaneous get togethers I cant plan for that worry me.

Today I bit the bullet and agreed to go to lunch. I picked the healthiest thing on the menu – a grilled chicken and avocado salad. I actually felt like a change from water so ordered a diet coke to go with it. Having MyFitnessPal on my phone was handy… except I wasnt sure which version of chicken and avocado salad to use.. and most of them referred to “one serve” and I have no idea how big “one serve” is. So I picked one at a happy medium since there was no pesto or anything involved and took it to be around 269 cals.

When the salad arrived it looked massive! I was full just by looking at it. I wasnt terribly hungry anyway as just before going to lunch we had done 2km of walking along the soft sand on the beach (killer on the calves) and I was too tired to be hungry. I looked at the chicken and tried to work out how much it would weigh. There wasnt much avocado in it so I wasnt too worried about that but then I tasted it and found a dressing mixed through the salad underneath and that almost sent me into a panic. What did they use in the dressing? Was it full of sugar? These are not normal thoughts for me and I don’t like the feeling that came with them. I calmed myself down and tried to put my well educated taste buds to good work (I’ve eaten a LOT of different foods over my life. Surely I can pick out what’s in here!) Once I stopped freaking out I did realise it was a simple balsamic dressing and nothing worth stressing over. Yes I know I could have asked the chef what was in it but I would have felt like a fool. Fat chick wondering how much sugar is in a salad dressing that would have looked great… not. (yes I still have a LOT of work to do in relation to not worrying what other people think of me.) In the end I only ate half the salad and thought I was full. Now I’m home and starting to feel hungry again… but I do’nt really know how many calories I ate so don’t know how many I have left to play with today.

Similar fears are coming up with exercise too. I’m not paranoid about the numbers (didn’t have HRM on during beach walk today so no idea how many calories I burned), but I’m kind of scared about taking a rest day. My body is screaming at me for one – especially my legs. I have exercised every day since the end of December. I tried to take a rest day last Monday but by the afternoon just felt I HAD to do something so did an upper body circuit. At least I rested the legs I guess. I think my fear isn’t really about taking a rest day, it’s that I am afraid that if I stop exercising even for one day I wont get back into it. Don’t get me wrong – its not like I’m spending hours every day exercising or anything. Most days it’s only 1hr or a little longer. Today was only 30min of soft sand walking (felt like twice as long – but I still think I need to do more today). My legs are really starting to complain though. Driving home from the beach my calves threatened to cramp up every time I depressed the clutch. I know I need a rest day. I’m going to try and put my fear aside and take one tomorrow. (Friday). I’m hoping that the fact that I have bootcamp on Saturday and a pre arranged Bay Walk on Sunday means that the rest day wont extend to any longer than one day. I also hope I can get through the day without feeling guilty about not doing anything. Maybe Ill just concentrate on stretches all day so I’ll feel like I’ve done something but in reality wont have.

I’m not sure what’s going on with my head. I’ve never felt like this before. Hell I used to have rest days every day and eat whatever I damn well felt like without worrying about how many calories are in it. I want to have a normal relationship with food. I don’t want to rely on it to stabilise my emotional state, but I don’t want to be afraid of it either. I’m really hoping this side of things settles down as the program wears on, or that by facing these fears, one day at a time I can get over them.