Just Desserts

This morning I climbed onto the scales to face the consequences of this week. I’ll be honest… I got lucky. I managed to drop 600g in the 9 days since I last weighed in. It feels disappointing as I’ve been dropping around the 1kg mark every week since the 12WBT program started properly (weight loss was slower for me in preseason). Yet I know it is more than I deserve. My exercise this week has been lackluster at best – 1 x 1hour walk the whole time I was in Canberra. Food… well that was either a feast or famine.

I could beat myself up, or get depressed or give up and throw in the towel completely – you know the “it’s all too hard to keep it up” attitude of the old PJ, but I’m not. Last night I went to bootcamp. The weather looked threatening. I was tired.  No one else turned up. I had a choice. I could go home and plonk myself down on the couch in front of the TV or I could stay and have a private personal training session. Guess which one I chose? Yep, the one on one session. Even when the rain started to come down I didn’t stop.

There is nowhere to hide when it’s just you and the trainer. No ability to have a bit of a rest while you hold the focus pads for your boxing partner either. I worked my butt off. I wanted to give up. I wanted to puke. heck at one point I wanted to pass out. I cried. I screamed and yelled. I swore… a lot. There was no lady in that park last night. I was so angry with myself that I hadn’t kept to my plans while I was away and I took it out with the boxing gloves. (explains why I can barely life my arms this morning). I gave everything I had and then some. In a way it was good for the trainer to see. I mean I always work hard at bootcamp, but when there are a bunch of other fitter people doing the same things it can look like I’m slacking off as my best is slower, weaker etc than what the others do. Last night, he had only me to focus on, he could hear me panting for breath, (at one point he asked if I was asthmatic lol) could see my muscles shake as I struggled to get through the push ups, saw me push myself up again after they gave out and I collapsed. I think I earned some respect. I may be fat. I may be unfit. But I put as much effort in as anyone and no one could argue I could have worked harder last night. By the end of the session I was dripping and not just from the rain.

Unfortunately I hadn’t eaten dinner before bootcamp, and I just couldn’t stomach food after it. Dinner consisted of a protein shake made with skim milk instead of water, and my daily calories were way down. Perils of being ill prepared. If I train at night I need to get myself organised early and have dinner at the nanna time of around 5.30pm so it’s out of the way before training, and just have a snack when I get home.

So yeah it hasn’t been a perfect week. not by a long shot. But I am back on track. I have 2 weeks before I fly overseas. I may not get to the 83kg I wanted to be before I go… or I may get lucky and drop 2.5kg in the next 2 weeks. I don’t know. What I do know, is that I have 2 weeks during which I have complete control over what I eat and how much I exercise and that is a good thing. My commitment for the next 2 weeks is to eat all of my calories every day (but not extra) and to exercise 6 days a week. That is what I have control over so that is what I will focus on.

Disappointed in myself

I had a work trip this week and I thought I had planned well. I’d packed my workout gear, and my breakfasts for the days I would be away. Things just did not go as planned –

 

  • Monday: we ended up leaving the office hours later than expected. Result – did not arrive until 7.30. I was starving. Too dark to go for a walk. Positives: when there was no fruit or other healthy options available at the roadhouse we stopped at on the way, I opted to stick to water and not eat even though I was really hungry. I also had packed a 12WBT dinner so had that when we arrived instead of going to the pub for dinner with the others. Negatives: No exercise done at all. Didn’t pack snacks which meant I finished the day at just under 1000 calories.
  • Tuesday: Too tired to get up early and exercise before the course (would have had to be up at 5.30). Course was challenging but good. Positives: ate the 12WBT breakfast I had packed, chose a salad box (no dressing) over sandwiches for lunch, bought bananas for snacks, went for a walk as soon as I got back after the course  (6.5km 1hr 10 min). Negatives: No protein in salad box so had 1/4 chicken sandwich and 1/2 salad box. Couldn’t run as ligaments inflamed again. Went out to turkish restaurant for dinner, drank 1/3 bottle wine and ate heaps including bread and dips.
  • Wednesday: Chose sleep again. Hot day. I was exhausted all day. Positives: Same breakfast and lunch as yesterday. Thats it for the positives 😦 Negatives: Felt hot and bothered at the end of the course so decided to rest on couch for half an hour before going for a walk. Then allowed myself to get distracted. Accepted offer of wine… ate chips, drank wine THEN went out for Thai dinner and drank more wine, and ate stupid amount of food. At least skipped entrees and dessert. Did not end up doing any exercise at all other than 5 min walk to the restaurant 😦
  • Thursday: Am back on track today I think. Had the breakfast I’d packed before driving back to Sydney. Was hungry on the road but waited until i got home and had a 12WBT meal I had in the freezer. I AM going to bootcamp this afternoon and will have a 12WBT meal for dinner. Positives: Not allowing the last couple of days to derail me. I’m back and focussed again. Negatives: didnt exercise this morning… letting myself wait for bootcamp instead of using the free time I had this morning.

 

So it’s been a less than perfect week so far. I’m not going to let it get me down though. I will weigh in tomorrow morning and face whatever the consequences are. Fingers crossed there isn’t too much damage. I have 2 weeks left before my holiday. I need to stay focussed and on track for that time. 4 days off this weekend so I’m going to use it well. I will eat well, exercise every day AND sort out my spare room at last.

 

 

Wish me luck

Another week another kilo :-)

I soooo love this program. Getting on the scales isn’t scary – it’s actually exciting. I wasn’t expecting big numbers and yet there it was another 1.2kg down. 86.1kg. Squealing in my bathroom is becoming a regular thing on Wednesdays.

Next week is going to be harder I know. I have to go away with work for 4 days. I’ll be able to take breakfasts, but lunches are provided (sandwiches most likely, white bread and not with the greatest choice of fillings). Dinners are usually out socialising. I might be able to skip one or 2 but I can’t skip them all. Will have to try to make the healthiest choices I can. It’s going to be really important for me to get my exercise done while I’m away. Up early to get a walk/jog in before the course starts, and then another workout of some sort between the course finishing and dinner. Will be good practice for me before my overseas trip.

I’m Back Baby!

Feeling on top of the world this morning. Usually on Tuesday’s I swim (or kickboard) laps with a girlfriend, but today she was unable to go. I decided to do the bay with another friend instead of the swim and boy am I glad I did. I’ve really struggled with running the last few weeks. I didn’t feel like I was making any improvement at all, and in fact in that area thought I was going backwards. But today I managed to run the Iron Cove bridge again for only the 2nd time in my life. PLUS I did it whilst doing the bay anti clockwise which means I power walked up the steep hill just before the bridge instead of the more gradual hill on the other side like I did last time. When I started I thought I would be happy to get to half way, but when I got there I felt ok, so picked a sign and ran to that, then thought I can make the next sign so kept going… that sign was close to the end so I figured “I can’t stop now” and ran the whole way! I was so pleased! No leg pain or anything. Yes I was out of breath but I didn’t feel like I was dying. I walked back to the friend I was walking the bay with like I was floating on air. I even did 3 other runs which were longer than my usual bursts around the bay. If running felt this good every day I think I’d do it more often hahahah

I had a pretty good weekend too. Saturday was my most fun SSS ever – bootcamp in the morning (575 cals) then a Hip Hop Dance class with girls from the Inner Westies group in the afternoon. I burned 455 cals in the hour and i swear most of that was from laughing smile We had so much fun! I love that this program is helping me find enjoyable ways to exercise. Not everything has to be about working until I want to puke smile

Sat night was my niece’s 18th birthday party. I haven’t seen my brother and his family since warmup/pre season. Whilst my sister in law regularly asks me how the program is going etc, its not something my brother takes much interest in. I was absolutely delighted therefore  when I walked in and he gave me a big hug then looks at me and says “Wow you look great have you lost weight??” He had forgotten I was doing the program and is the first person to have actually noticed a physical change in me (other than the people I work out with etc). Even my niece commented on how good I looked and that the colours I was wearing were totally “in this season hhahahaha. Move over crazy old aunt, Hipster Aunt is coming through!

The video on Sunday was an interesting one for me. Mish’s challenge to write down 5 things you love about yourself is something I previously would have struggled with. (and have struggled with when challenged by others to do it.) I was pleasantly to surprised therefore to find I can now do it. These were my 5:

“I love that I am compassionate
I love my capacity to love
I love that my family and friends know they can rely on me.
I love that I am finding the courage to face my fears
I love that I am learning to love myself at last.”

Being able to complete that is a huge step for me. I love that this program is helping me to be the best I can be and to enjoy life to the fullest. I love where my life is right now:- I’m getting fitter and stronger, I’m losing weight and cms, I’m meeting fantastic, inspiring, FUN people, I’m finding ways to exercise that I actually enjoy, and I’m feeling good about who I am. Sure there is a long way to go. I’ve signed up for Round 2 already so that I’m ready to start straight back into it when I get off the plane on Day 1 of Round 2. I even signed up to do intermediate exercise level on the next round! I’ve got 3 and a half weeks before I go overseas. I’m determined to make the most of that time. I’m also determined to keep up the exercise and keep on top of my nutrition as best I can whilst I’m away. This is who I want to be. This is who I am becoming. This is who I AM!

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Smashing Milestones

It’s funny how we get fixated on numbers and attach such significance to them. eg $19.99 sounds so much better than $20. It’s the same with weight loss. I would love to get to 80kg by the end of this round but if I can get to 79.9 I will be over the moon. Just cause it starts with a 7… even though there is no real difference. Last week I was sitting at 9.4kg lost since I started this journey in Warm Up. I don’t remember every having lost 10kg in a chunk before (I know I’ve lost and gained it several times over in smaller bits). I really really wanted to get to that 10kg lost, but I also found that I was trying to sabotage myself all week, perhaps trying to subconsciously give myself an excuse in case I didn’t get there, or maybe trying to prove to myself that I couldn’t get there.

I’m not quite sure what it was. I know I missed training on 3 days – and 2 of those days were cardio days… the worst possible days to miss for quick weight loss. I struggled daily with “cravings” for crap. Thanks to the things I’m learning on the 12WBT program though and the support network I have gained from it, I managed to stick to my 1200 calories a day. Yes I admit on a couple of those days some of my snack calories were taken up with chocolate, but I made sure that the chocolate was not eaten until at the end of the day and only if there were calories left over, even if I’d been wanting it since breakfast. I did try distracting myself by doing the dishes after dinner etc and only having it if I still wanted it after everything was cleaned up. Some days it worked, others it didn’t. But at least I didn’t gorge on it. 1 or 2 small pieces only (got to love a Lindt ball for controlling portion sizes but still satisfying the cravings.) On the days I did manage to train I trained hard, so I was pleased with that.

It was therefore with mixed emotions that I got on the scales this morning. The bathroom happy dance was on again when I saw I’d dropped 1.3kg! That brings the total to 10.7kg since warm up and 5.5 since the round started. It’s also 1/3 of the way to where I want to be by the end of the year. I didn’t only reach that 10kg milestone I smashed through it! It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders (as well as my gut, butt etc wink ) Now that the 10kg is gone the pressure is off. I WANTED to train. For the first time in a week I don’t want junk food.

I celebrated this win by doing the baywalk. I had no intentions of running any of it. I just wanted to walk it at a really good pace. I met up with a friend and we power walked around it. I really don’t think I could have moved my legs any faster at a walk. At a couple of points I felt so good I HAD to run. Me… who has always hated running. I even sprinted the last little bit to where we parked the car. I still can’t run for long, but I actually found myself enjoying the little short bursts. Once I can get my breathing sorted so that the air goes all the way into my lungs instead of feeling like there is a blockage at the top of my chest (same reason I struggle to drink during a hard training session) I know I will be running much further. I downloaded the 4km running program Mish suggested for the Mothers Day Classic and I’m going to take that with me when I go overseas as my training program. I figure I should be able to do that anywhere and fit it in around sight seeing. Having looked at it, I’m not quite up to the week 1 level yet (1km tempo runs + sprints + 1.5km long run!) but it gives me something to work towards and will hopefully keep me motivated while I’m away.

I fully expect these demons to raise their ugly heads again at my next milestone weight… it could be when i’m close to weighing 80kg, or it might be when I’m close to the 20kg loss mark… or even the 15 (although I’m more a round numbers girl) or it could be at all of those. Thing is, I know what to expect now, and I know (with a little help) I can get through it and achieve what I set out to. Those goals don’t seem unrealistic anymore grin

Fitness Test Progress

This morning I got up at 5.30am (who is this person!?!?!) to do my fitness test. I really wanted to throw the alarm against the wall and go back to sleep (had one of those sleepless nights last night and I don’t function well on less than 2 hours), but I knew if I did that I would skip not only the fitness test but also the first bootcamp I’ve been able to attend in weeks so I got up. It was way too important for me mentally to get to bootcamp this morning.

As some of you may know, I was apprehensive about doing the fitness test. I haven’t been feeling any fitter – in fact lately I’ve felt as if my fitness was going backwards. I was therefor really pleasantly surprised by most of my results. So here they are in all their glory –

1km time trial: – cut 48 sec off my time, and now under 8min. I was happy enough with the time for this one but still disappointed as I’d really wanted to be able to run 1km by now. I know the inflamed ligaments have hampered my progress in running, so I’m hoping that now I have my orthodics and the correct shoes for my foot type that I will be able to do that by the next fitness test. I don’t care if the time is bad next time, I just want to run all of it without walking!

The rest of the test I did after bootcamp as I ran out of time (note I need an hour to do fitness test not 30 min!). Bootcamp was really hard this morning – loads of runs, lunges, pushups and ab exercises so I’m doubly pleased with the following results:-

Pushups: managed 6 on my toes (ok that was annoying as I did 9 on my toes in bootcamp) plus an extra 8 on my knees from last time. It’s a shame the stats page doesnt recognise that the ones on the toes are an improvement (apparently if you improve from 0 you dont improve?) but I can see from this that my upper body strength is improving.

Wall sit: an extra 13 seconds (25% improvement). I reckon if I had done this before bootcamp it would be even more, so very happy there.

Ab strength: this one looks really bad on the stats page – I did it for 24 seconds LESS than last time. What the stats page fails to take into account was that this time I did it on my toes! I PJ held a plank, with correct form, on my toes for 1 min and 6 seconds. For someone who previously had no core strength this is nothing short of a miracle! What’s more it’s my shoulders that seem to give way first on plank so my core is really getting there smile

Sit and reach… well this was either a 1cm or a 16cm improvement. (probably a 1cm improvement as I was already fairly flexible). Since my hammis seem permanently tight these days regardless of how much stretching I do, I’m thrilled with any improvement on this one and am putting it down to having less gut in the way when I lean forward wink

Couple these results with having lost 18cm and 3.8kg in 4 weeks (4.1% of bodyweight) and I am pretty darn happy. I’m keeping everything crossed I can drop a least 600g this week which will bring up 10kg gone for good since I signed up (and 10.2% of bodyweight). I’m hoping then people who don’t know I’m doing the program will start to notice the results.

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When Mental Becomes Physical

I’ve struggled this week. More so than usual. Some of the struggles I’ve managed to overcome. Others I havent been so successful with. Until this week I’d managed to avoid cravings. This week it’s like I’m bent on sabotaging myself any way i can. I’m craving food. Not specific foods, just anything as long as it’s crap. I know this isn’t a physical craving it’s mental because I don’t even care whether it’s sweet or savoury as long as it’s bad for me. I haven’t caved yet but it is a daily battle. I’m even dreaming about chocolate, cakes and burgers. Hell I’ve never even been a massive burger fan but I’d love a big mac right now… the thought of biting into that greasy doughy texture is enough to start me salivating. I think I’m strong enough to beat that though and I’m hoping that the more I fight it, the easier it will become.

Exercise however is another story. I felt sick on Monday (probably from eating mainly carbs all weekend and allergies playing up) so I allowed myself to skip training. It was the first day I hadn’t trained since Feb 8th. I felt ok with that. Tuesday I was feeling better and trained hard. I thought I was back on track. Wednesday… well there was no reason for it, I just didn’t feel like training and so I didn’t. By the end of the day I was mad at myself for letting the excuses win. I knew I was sabotaging myself… so close to having lost 10kg. Weighing less than I have done in years. I should have been feeling on top of the world but I wasn’t.

Today I decided to stop thinking and JFDI. I set the alarm and had Mish On Possible going within 10 min of the alarm going off. Right from the start I struggled. On Tuesday I did most of it at the intermediate level. Today I could barely get the beginner stuff done. Every move made me nauseous. After 30min I gave up. I got so frustrated with myself. I was angry, frustrated, tired and just plain over all of it. I thought my fitness was going backwards. I was terrified of doing the fitness test in case I’m worse than when I started. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and stuff my face. Thankfully I have a very supportive group of Inner Westies, and I was able to vent on facebook. I received a lot of support and a lot of sound advice. I was reminded that the old PJ wouldn’t have even gotten through 30 min… would not have even attempted it! It also helped knowing that some of the people I really look up to – that have done one or more rounds and have had inspiring results – still have the odd bad days.

Another lady admitted she hadn’t trained for a few days herself so I decided to make a pact with her, that we would both do at least half an hour of SOMETHING by sunset on Friday. Making that promise made me realise this really is just a bump – I haven’t given up. I know I won’t break a promise to someone else.

This afternoon I got an email telling me my tickets for my trip had arrived at the travel agent. The agent offered to post them to me. The old PJ would have requested the postage. The new PJ decided since I had a bit of time I would walk up and get them. It’s only 2km each way. (old PJ hated to walk even 500m). So I set out to walk up there. Walking helped clear my head further, and the sunshine helped my mood. I picked up the tickets and decided to walk a bit further. I ended up walking for an hour and doing around 5km. No speed records there I know, and no great distance either, but this morning I didn’t think I was capable of even that so I am so glad I did it.

What I’ve learned today is that some days are going to be REALLY hard. But so what. I am strong. I have an amazing support network. When I have no faith in myself they have faith in me. Yes today I thought about giving up. But I didn’t. I called on my support (something else old PJ would have been too embarrassed to do). I fought my demons and I won. Today. Tomorrow may be a new battle, but I will fight that too. I will fight because to give up is to die inside and I have too much living to do. I may not win every battle, I may carry the scars, but I WILL win the war.

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