I’ve struggled this week. More so than usual. Some of the struggles I’ve managed to overcome. Others I havent been so successful with. Until this week I’d managed to avoid cravings. This week it’s like I’m bent on sabotaging myself any way i can. I’m craving food. Not specific foods, just anything as long as it’s crap. I know this isn’t a physical craving it’s mental because I don’t even care whether it’s sweet or savoury as long as it’s bad for me. I haven’t caved yet but it is a daily battle. I’m even dreaming about chocolate, cakes and burgers. Hell I’ve never even been a massive burger fan but I’d love a big mac right now… the thought of biting into that greasy doughy texture is enough to start me salivating. I think I’m strong enough to beat that though and I’m hoping that the more I fight it, the easier it will become.
Exercise however is another story. I felt sick on Monday (probably from eating mainly carbs all weekend and allergies playing up) so I allowed myself to skip training. It was the first day I hadn’t trained since Feb 8th. I felt ok with that. Tuesday I was feeling better and trained hard. I thought I was back on track. Wednesday… well there was no reason for it, I just didn’t feel like training and so I didn’t. By the end of the day I was mad at myself for letting the excuses win. I knew I was sabotaging myself… so close to having lost 10kg. Weighing less than I have done in years. I should have been feeling on top of the world but I wasn’t.
Today I decided to stop thinking and JFDI. I set the alarm and had Mish On Possible going within 10 min of the alarm going off. Right from the start I struggled. On Tuesday I did most of it at the intermediate level. Today I could barely get the beginner stuff done. Every move made me nauseous. After 30min I gave up. I got so frustrated with myself. I was angry, frustrated, tired and just plain over all of it. I thought my fitness was going backwards. I was terrified of doing the fitness test in case I’m worse than when I started. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and stuff my face. Thankfully I have a very supportive group of Inner Westies, and I was able to vent on facebook. I received a lot of support and a lot of sound advice. I was reminded that the old PJ wouldn’t have even gotten through 30 min… would not have even attempted it! It also helped knowing that some of the people I really look up to – that have done one or more rounds and have had inspiring results – still have the odd bad days.
Another lady admitted she hadn’t trained for a few days herself so I decided to make a pact with her, that we would both do at least half an hour of SOMETHING by sunset on Friday. Making that promise made me realise this really is just a bump – I haven’t given up. I know I won’t break a promise to someone else.
This afternoon I got an email telling me my tickets for my trip had arrived at the travel agent. The agent offered to post them to me. The old PJ would have requested the postage. The new PJ decided since I had a bit of time I would walk up and get them. It’s only 2km each way. (old PJ hated to walk even 500m). So I set out to walk up there. Walking helped clear my head further, and the sunshine helped my mood. I picked up the tickets and decided to walk a bit further. I ended up walking for an hour and doing around 5km. No speed records there I know, and no great distance either, but this morning I didn’t think I was capable of even that so I am so glad I did it.
What I’ve learned today is that some days are going to be REALLY hard. But so what. I am strong. I have an amazing support network. When I have no faith in myself they have faith in me. Yes today I thought about giving up. But I didn’t. I called on my support (something else old PJ would have been too embarrassed to do). I fought my demons and I won. Today. Tomorrow may be a new battle, but I will fight that too. I will fight because to give up is to die inside and I have too much living to do. I may not win every battle, I may carry the scars, but I WILL win the war.