I don’t usually write two posts a day but I just did something I haven’t done since before I signed up and I feel utterly sick about it. I just binged. I had finished dinner, had dessert. sitting watching TV winding down for bed. For the last hour I’ve wanted chocolate. I tried ignoring it but the want wouldn’t go away. So I thought, ok. I’ll have a little bit. Previously I have been able to have a small bit and be done with it. I went and weighed out 25gm (1 serving) of an Easter Egg I bought for my niece (rationalising it in my mind because it now looks like I wont see them before I go overseas.) I put the rest away. I ate the 25 grams. It wasn’t even particularly nice. But it wasn’t enough. Back to the cupboard I went like a person possessed. Stuff measuring. I just started breaking bits off and stuffing them in my mouth. It was so sickly sweet I wanted to throw up but I kept eating. WTF is wrong with me??? I even went and got some water to wash it down with so I could eat more. Before I knew it half the 200g rabbit was gone.
I have no idea what came over me! Even while I was eating it I knew it was stupid. I knew it was wrong. I knew I shouldn’t be doing it. Why the hell did I keep eating it? Why today? I’m not upset, or angry or any other extreme emotion. I have been bored a lot today but that is no excuse. I’m so angry and upset with myself right now. The only positive I can find in this is that I stopped at half and didnt eat all of it or the ones for my other niece and nephew. What sort of a person does this? They weren’t even mine!!! Maybe if I had kept eating I would have thrown up and at least then it wouldn’t be making its way to my lard arse as I sit and type. Dammit what is wrong with me?????? If I knew why it happened I could at least know how to prevent it but I just don’t know. Where the hell is my head at??? One freaking week before I fly overseas. One measly week left in which I have complete control over what I shove into my mouth and I couldn’t do it. Too weak to say no to myself. How pathetic. I disgust myself. I don’t even have time tomorrow for an extra long workout (nanna duties) so that fat is just going to sit and multiply. I make myself sick.
I’m not going to give up though. I will not let this beat me. I can’t. I have to get straight back on track. I have to.