Home » 12WBT » Falling off the wagon

Falling off the wagon

I don’t usually write two posts a day but I just did something I haven’t done since before I signed up and I feel utterly sick about it. I just binged. I had finished dinner, had dessert. sitting watching TV winding down for bed. For the last hour I’ve wanted chocolate. I tried ignoring it but the want wouldn’t go away. So I thought, ok. I’ll have a little bit. Previously I have been able to have a small bit and be done with it. I went and weighed out 25gm (1 serving) of an Easter Egg I bought for my niece (rationalising it in my mind because it now looks like I wont see them before I go overseas.) I put the rest away. I ate the 25 grams. It wasn’t even particularly nice. But it wasn’t enough. Back to the cupboard I went like a person possessed. Stuff measuring. I just started breaking bits off and stuffing them in my mouth. It was so sickly sweet I wanted to throw up but I kept eating. WTF is wrong with me??? I even went and got some water to wash it down with so I could eat more. Before I knew it half the 200g rabbit was gone.

I have no idea what came over me! Even while I was eating it I knew it was stupid. I knew it was wrong. I knew I shouldn’t be doing it. Why the hell did I keep eating it? Why today? I’m not upset, or angry or any other extreme emotion. I have been bored a lot today but that is no excuse.  I’m so angry and upset with myself right now. The only positive I can find in this is that I stopped at half and didnt eat all of it or the ones for my other niece and nephew. What sort of a person does this? They weren’t even mine!!! Maybe if I had kept eating I would have thrown up and at least then it wouldn’t be making its way to my lard arse as I sit and type. Dammit what is wrong with me?????? If I knew why it happened I could at least know how to prevent it but I just don’t know. Where the hell is my head at??? One freaking week before I fly overseas. One measly week left in which I have complete control over what I shove into my mouth and I couldn’t do it. Too weak to say no to myself. How pathetic. I disgust myself. I don’t even have time tomorrow for an extra long workout (nanna duties) so that fat is just going to sit and multiply. I make myself sick.

I’m not going to give up though. I will not let this beat me. I can’t. I have to get straight back on track. I have to.

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6 thoughts on “Falling off the wagon

  1. Pj, you are not alone! My partner had to take my stash of Easter eggs from me and hide them! I also ate a few too many till I felt sick. I think it falls under the self sabotage category. Maybe even a lack of willpower? I have always had whatever I wanted for so long it’s hard to stop and remind myself that self control will pay off in the long run.
    Concentrate on starting off fresh tomorrow as you can’t change what’s happened.
    I love reading your posts. Seeing how hard you work is an inspiration. Don’t let a slip up ruin how far you have come.

    • Thankyou Lys. I feel better today. Yes I ate 500+ extra calories yesterday but that’s one day in the rest of my life. I’ve also had a read over some of my previous blogs and realised that my head seems to go AWOL every 4 weeks or so so hormones may well be playing a part. I just have to be aware of it in future and figure out how to deal with it before it happens. With any luck the rain will stop and I will get a good hard bootcamp session in tonight and all will be back on track.

  2. Oh PJ I hated hearing you talk about yourself like that! We all have slip ups but you’re human, and you will get back on track and you will reach your goals. I’ve noticed a negative side of 12WBT is that, without meaning to sometimes, we really punish ourselves for slipping a bit. Just remember, it’s totally normal and totally ok. Maybe next time make it chocolate you enjoy though? Big ups for how far you’ve come, you’ve helped motivate me more times than you know xx

    • Thankyou Suzi. I’m not upset that I ate chocolate (I have no intention of giving that up for the rest of my life). What upset me was being totally out of control. Eating even though I wasn’t enjoying it, and feeling totally sick but still eating. I haven’t done that in a LONG time and it scared me. I think I’m back on track today. I really appreciate the support. It means a lot

  3. Please don’t be so hard on yourself PJ. It’s one slip up which you can definitely bounce back from. Do you think you might have subconsciously sabotaged yourself because your a bit worried about staying in track when your on holidays. A bit of all or nothing thinking? That’s what gets me and I had a bit of that happen to me on the weekend. I knew I had Easter lunch on Sunday and girls night in on Sunday night and while I had planned to be super good on Saturday before hand I found myself mindlessly eating a few too many cornchips when I wasn’t even hungry or particularly enjoying them. It’s strange what weird things our mind does. You’ll dust yourself off and keep on trekking 🙂 x

    • That’s a definite possibility Brodie. My brain is all consumed with the trip at the moment and I have no patience for anything else. I really think it might be a combination of that plus hormones (today I’m craving a big mac again – havent given in though). Reading back 4 weeks ago I was the same… I was just stronger then and able to get through it without caving in. This time I didn’t have the strength 😦 Today I ate the rest of that egg too. Weird though, as soon as it was gone I felt better. It makes no sense but I really hope that is the end of it.

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