It’s been an interesting few days for me. The long weekend saw me on massive highs from fitness achievements. I’m still on a high really. Tuesday I had an overnight trip to Canberra for work, meaning I wouldn’t be able to weigh in as usual on Wednesday. I decided to weigh in Tuesday morning before I left. POP that burst my bubble! Down a measly 100gm. At first I was disappointed. I guess I was expecting a good number to go with my great weekend… I really wanted to get into the 70’s this week. I figured with all the calories I’d burned over the weekend I was OWED that much. My inner teenager started foot stomping and sulking. Then I remembered everything else I have achieved this week, how awesomely my body had performed, and then honesty kicked in and I remembered the 2 red flag days with the less than stellar food choices made. (read all calorie counting thrown to the wind). So ok maybe a 100g loss isn’t so bad after all. Yes it means I didn’t get under 80 this week, but I’m 100g closer and I’ll get there next week… or the week after. Either way I know I WILL get there. Ok full blown tantrum averted. Off to Canberra.
Canberra ended up being one of those days where things just didn’t go right. Not just for me either. My team were stressed and grumpy too. Unfortunately none of it was due to anything I could fix. I was so relieved when the day was over. Instead of doing what I knew I should have done (the at home workout in my hotel room) I went for a bit of retail therapy. I did get some cute new boots that I needed, but I didn’t really burn any extra calories or build my strength. Then the team and I decided that pre dinner drinks were in order to wind down, so I stopped off and bought nibblies to go with the wine. So I spent the early evening, eating and drinking copious amounts of red wine. By the time we decided to head off to dinner I wasn’t really hungry, but I went anyway. More drinking, more eating. Including dessert. I think the inner teenager might have snuck out again and decided that since I haven’t lost any weight I may as well stuff my face.
IDIOT! By the time we left the restaurant I was feeling really ill. My stomach was one giant cramp. It felt like it would explode out of my body at any second. I couldn’t even fit a sip of water in. It was awful. The walk back to the hotel I was in agony. I can’t believe I used to have nights like that regularly and think nothing of it. The pain was awful. If someone had offered me a stomach pump at that point I would have grabbed it with both hands. As none was available I did the next best thing. I purged. This is not a behaviour I condone in the slightest. Its not one I’ve ever really indulged in. Generally speaking I can only make myself vomit if I am actually sick. This time, it was a case of knowing I needed to sleep but that the way I was feeling there was no way I could sleep. So I did it. And it relieved the pressure in my stomach. It meant I could sleep.
The upshot of all of that, is not that I’ve found a new way to eat what I want and not gain weight. The upshot is that I have realised that I no longer WANT to over eat. It is no longer pleasurable. I don’t care how nice the food tastes, if I eat too much of it the pain is so not worth it. What’s more I don’t have to weight days until I see the results on the scales as my consequence. That pain is almost immediate (just not quite immediate enough to stop me getting there). Bulimia is a very real and dangerous condition and it’s not one I want to move towards. My heart goes out to anyone who battles this.
So yeah there have been a couple of speedbumps along the road this week, but you know what, my body is a 4WD all terrain vehicle. I’m going to drive right over these bumps and continue on my journey. They will not stop me. I WILL reach my destination. All they’ve done is slowed me down a touch… and sometimes you need to slow down to allow yourself to absorb whats going on around you.