Home » 12WBT » Figuring out the why

Figuring out the why

Well today is Weigh In Wednesday… or as it has been rebranded – Weekly Checkpoint Wednesday. I’m not jumping with joy today although I probably should be. I lost 300gms. The number itself is not jumpworthy but the fact I lost anything at all given the week I have had food wise probably is. But I’m not jumping. I’m disappointed in myself. I have eaten myself stupid this week. Not just at the 3 social events I’ve had where I ate (and drank) way more than I needed to either. What most disappoints me is what is happening at home. Boredom and unpreparedness are my worst enemies. Monday I had a morning with Nanna which is never fun. Stupid thing was I thought it was Tuesday morning that i had her, so when the reminder went off in my phone for her appointment it threw me totally out of sorts. I did grab a healthy breakfast before i ran out the door but that was it. My laziness over the weekend also meant I hadn’t done the weekly shopping, so after finishing with Nanna I stopped off at Coles on my way home… but by then I was hungry. I should NEVER shop when I’m hungry. Especially when i have been craving crap, namely red rock deli chips, for days. Result was I detoured down the crap aisle and specifically bought chips… AND chocolate. Then I ate the bloody chips in the car on the way home. The whole large bag! To top that off when i got home, instead of making myself a healthy lunch i ate an entire block of chocolate. I can’t even blame TTOM! It’s total self sabotage. 1800 cals of self sabotage. That was the “lunch” my body was supposed to draw the nutrients it needs to fuel me for the afternoon from.

Now my body is an absolutely amazing machine. Tuesday night I went for a run. My body, fuelled by total rubbish, ran 9.3km in 1hr and 4 min including running up stairs and some decent hills. My body is a miracle. I am in awe of it. 9.3km!

That run felt FANTASTIC. Even whilst I was doing it! Well ok it was mainly the last 1km which was downhill which felt fantastic but still it felt right. Feeding my face chips and chocolate did not feel right. It felt wrong. Why then did I do it? Why is it that sitting here now writing this post I want to do it again? Why 8 months into this journey have I not learned this lesson?

I need to figure out the why. I need to start being totally honest. The nutrition slippage hasn’t just happened. It’s been going on for a while now. It’s been pretty bad almost constantly since my birthday. (result being I am only 200g lighter than I was 3 weeks ago).  The only reason my weight isn’t up I think is because I seem to have found my running mojo. I need to control the food. I have a sneaking suspicion that all the compliments I have been receiving lately may have something to do with it. My family and friends have really started to notice the loss and are telling me I look great. They are telling me they are PROUD of me. Is that it? Do I not think I deserve pride and praise? Am I self sabotaging to prove them wrong? I mean I’ve been proud of myself. I guess though, the pride I have found in myself has not been about the weight loss. I have been proud of achieving distances or times in my runs. I have been proud of finishing challenges I thought impossible. The weightloss though doesn’t feel like an achievement. In all honesty I sometimes feel guilty about it. It’s been easy. Shit now I’ve said it out loud I realise there is a lot of guilt associated with that. Weightloss is not meant to be easy right? If it was easy I should have done it years ago… or never let myself become a 98kg 156cm blimp in the first place. But really doing the 12WBT the weightloss part is easy. Follow the program (food + exercise) and the weight comes off. Simple. But yet not so simple. My head is my biggest enemy.

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I need to convince myself that I am worthy of praise. Worthy of people’s faith in me. I need to believe it is ok not to be invisible (note to self write blog on invisibility). I need to learn how to live in this new slimmer but still far from slim body. I need to value what it can do enough to fuel it right. I know this in the logical part of my brain, but obviously there is another part of me that is still struggling with these concepts or else I would not be eating enough to fuel a Romanian weight lifting team! I feel like I am letting people down. The amazing pink ladies (12WBT inner westies) who on a daily basis inspire me with their amazing achievements. I present this front to them. I pretend I am in control. That I’m smashing goals. But I’m not. I’m stuffing my face. I’m lying to them and to myself. My family who are so proud. My friends who show so much faith in me and who bought me such thoughtful gifts for my birthday for this new body. I am letting them all down. But mostly i am letting myself down. I just don’t know how to stop… and I’m SCARED, I’m so scared I will go back to that fat unhappy blob. I don’t want to do that. I want to be the fit, healthy PJ everyone else thinks I am becoming. I just need to fix my head

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*Edit: Sorry if this post is rambling. I find just putting thoughts on paper can sometimes help me.

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10 thoughts on “Figuring out the why

  1. This really tugged some heart strings. For me, one of the hardest things to do is to say “I am amazing. I am wonderful. I am beautiful.” It makes me feel guilty saying it, and I have no idea way. Learning to love yourself is probably one of the hardest things that I think this 12WBT is asking me to do. Being honest about everything is a huge step – take each moment at a time. Keep venting and know that everyone who reads your blog has faith in you – that you can do this. And you are doing it. You are on a journey, you are going to have stumbles. It’s the picking yourself up part that really counts….and you are doing that right this very moment!

    • Thanks Ashley. Definitely picking myself back up today. So far so good with food and really looking forward to a kimax session tonight (work permitting). Think I need to punch out some of this negativity

  2. Hey
    Did you ever watch the 12WBT video about maintenance? Mish says it’s a bit of a dangerous word because you feel you have reached your goal so you start to backslide again. Similar to recieving compliments – you feel good, you feel you have ‘made’ it subconsciously.
    I know if I had a week of food like you and tried to run – I just wouldn’t feel it was as good as it could be?
    Slowly start making some changes here and there and keep thinking about the WHY. WHY WHY WHY. It is a hard thing to shake, boredom and emotional eating.

    • Thanks Chelsea. Yeah Ive watched that one but didnt take too much notice as i am so far from “maintenance”. I think maybe I need to watch it again from a different perspective. One meal at a time for me for a while I think until my food is back under control. So far so good today.

  3. Pj I love your open and honest post. I believe you are posting what happens to many ppl, the only difference is you have a blog where you express it all, and to work it all out. One day at a time, remember this is a life long change, not just for few weeks. There are bound to be many regressions, slip ups, mistakes, etc etc… I have faith you will pull through this phase. 🙂

    • Thanks Nic. Sometimes I do need to remind myself that this is lifelong. I can’t change overnight so just have to try and be patient with myself. THe support I have received today has really helped.

  4. This pj is the post I have always wanted to write but could never bring myself to it.

    Everything you have said I have felt feel from time to time. I feel like a total fraud sometimes, here I am queen of the pink ladies and I too suffer exactly what you do. I often think this change can’t be real can’t be permanent old Liz she’s just waiting to bust out, and I’ll tell u Monday night I found ice cream in the freezer and I ate all that was left, all of it, home alone pms etc. this time I was honest I rang my husband and told him what I had done…his now calling me pig wife oh jest but he knows the fine line there is between this version of Liz and the previous version he has lived through this.

    Thank you for being so totally honest, it takes guys to put this out to the universe but what we have learnt is to own up and move on. Xxx

    • wow Liz. I never realised you still went through this too! Thankyou for sharing! I look up to you so much – I see your magnificent achievements and I’m so pleased for you. I see how happy you are and I want to feel like that to. Then I have weeks like im in now and I think it’s not possible for me (part of me thinks I don’t deserve it). Knowing you still fight these demons sometimes gives me hope that I can make it. I am more grateful than i can ever say that I found the pink ladies. The support I have from you and the others has stopped me throwing in the towel many times and has helped me achieved more than i ever felt possible. I’m so thankful. I don’t know the “old Liz”. I do know the current Liz though and I know that she is absolutely awesome. I’m so glad that even after Monday night’s ice cream she came out and had an absolutely smashing Wednesday. I foresee more Wednesdays and less monday nights in her future 🙂 *hugs*

  5. Perhaps you could write a blog of all the awesome things you have achieved in the past 8 months (or however long your 12WBT journey has been)? I can think of a few that mean you’re totally worthy of more than chips & chocolate:
    – You’ve discarded so many kilos that aren’t coming back
    – You’ve got knowledge of healthy food now and you are aware of what foods are good for your body
    – You feel good when you eat healthy
    – You can run the bay run in under an hour (that was your time, right?)

    Surely you can keep adding to this list of “reasons why I don’t need to sabotage myself”? 🙂

    But I totally know how you feel. Sometimes I just have YOLO days and throw it all up in the air. Sometimes I have no food in the house and no shopping mojo. Sometimes I have healthy choices surrounding me and go searching for the quick fix – which is often a slice of PB&J toast… Sometimes I wake up feeling exactly like you described in your blog, and so it’s good to know that we all have days where we feel great and days where we feel anything but.

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