Turning 40, reflections and beginnings

Last Friday I turned the big 4 0. In all honesty i wasn’t sure how I would handle the day. There are so many things I thought I would have in my life by that age that i don’t – the two biggest being a husband/ partner and children, Whilst the first is definitely attainable after 40, children are most likely not. So I thought there was a good chance of a breakdown come dawn on Friday when i suddenly realised I was a barren old spinster. I’d been on a high in the days leading up to it but thought that might have been the “manic” before the depression.

Funny thing though, I woke up on the anniversary of my birth in a great mood… I stayed in a great mood all day and well into the weekend. I credit that in a big way to this journey I am on. I feel so much better about myself now. It’s not just the weight either. I mean I have weighed this weight before and I didn’t like who I was and I hated how I looked… and I got bigger… and bigger… and BIGGER. Now, whilst I still don’t love the way I look naked  (saggy bits are sooo unattractive), I’m actually starting to think I look pretty good – especially in a nice frock 🙂 As for how I feel about myself… well dare I say it? I am starting to love who I am. I’m proud of what I have achieved. I’m not perfect by any stretch but I believe I am a good person, and by the wonderful people I seem to be attracting into my life at the moment I have to believe that other people think I’m pretty good too. Actually that deserves a bit of a re write…. I may not do everything perfectly but I AM PERFECT! There is nothing “wrong” with me that needs to be “fixed”. I am perfect the way I am and the way I am is constantly improving if that makes any sense. (admittedly I may be blocking any thoughts about what is not in my life and just focussing on the great things I do have to keep my mood elevated)

So I jumped out of bed on my birthday morning and weighed in :- 75kgs. on the dot. I was thrilled 🙂 23kgs down since I started. Still another 15 to go but I’d reached the goal I set for round 2 and I was happy 🙂 I had also decided that I was not going to count calories on my birthday weekend and was just going to enjoy myself. That started with a delicious Vietnamese feast with the family on Friday night, (not horrendous calorie wise until my sweetheart brother surprised me with a chocolate mudcake topped with profiteroles and chocolate shavings for dessert!), continued through an amazing Middle Eastern feast with 22 friends on Saturday (complete with several glasses of wine, baklava and a birthday bombe alaska) and was supposed to end with a lovely baked dinner with my brother’s family (where we finished off the rest of that mudcake). Note I said “supposed” to finish there. I was full of good intentions that come Monday morning I would be straight back into eating clean and training hard. Unfortunately that didn’t happen. I knew I was going to Canberra for a work trip on Wednesday but I had 2 days i could have controlled my food and didn’t. Part of it was being unorganised (hugely busy weekend meant no shopping had been done), part of it was a previously promised trip to Zumbos (OMG orange and apricot Zonut – pure heaven (and heart attack) on a plate!), but part of it was those old excuses rearing their ugly heads again: “Everyone is saying how good I look, surely I can stop now”, and “the round doesn’t start until next Monday, I ‘deserve’ a break”. So nothing achieved Monday and Tuesday other than one run. Then i hit Canberra with the work crew and whilst I organised myself enough to take breakfast (although only for 2 days instead of the 3 i was down there) I didn’t make the healthiest choices at lunch and dinner. Yesterday was just ridiculous – McDonalds for breakfast (just a bacon and egg muffin – within calorie allowance and not too bad) but then Oportos for lunch WITH chips! and then for dinner instead of pulling on the reins, I decided to bake myself 2 drumsticks and a too large potato. I thought I had drawn the line in the sand then, but after doing my fitness test this morning and deciding to do the shopping before coming home for breakfast I ended up eating a Kit Kat for breakfast. It seems I still have a LOT to learn.

I guess the reason that I’m posting all of that is for accountability. I have well and truly dropped the ball this week – and as a result I have gained 1.1kgs as of this morning. That is not good. It is not however the end of the world. I have done my shopping so I am now prepared for the week ahead. I do have my brother’s birthday dinner tonight (Thai feast) and whilst I will no doubt still go over my calories at least i won’t be drinking so that will save some. I wont beat myself up though. I know that is the last big social function for a while. I’m going to take this round 1 week at a time (perhaps even one day at a time). I’ve been doing my preseason tasks today to get my head ready.  I am going to give it my all. I’m reposting my commitment here to keep me accountable to you the lovely people who take the time to read my ramblings: My commitment is to give this round my all. No slacking off and allowing bad habits (and chocolate binges) to creep back in. I’m committed to keeping up with my running and to running 10km regularly by the end of the round. Whilst doing that I will lose 8-10kgs

I’ve redone my goals too:

During the next month I will:

Lose 2.6kg
Complete the Sydney Glow Run
Run 8km non stop

and over the course of the next 12 weeks I will:

run 10km without stopping and compete in Melbourne Marathon Festival in 10km event
Lose 8kg
Compete in RAW Challenge

It all begins again now and again every morning I am blessed enough to open my eyes.

I want to earn the faith my friends and family have shown in me. For my birthday my beautiful friends got me a session with a stylist, (including 2 hours of shopping and some vouchers to pay for my new wardrobe!) and a bottle of Moet to toast the occasion – an absolutely perfect gift. My wonderful family got my some http://www.redballoon.com.au vouchers so I can do something really memorable, and a fabulous “Love Life” photo collage frame so I can celebrate my achievements and the events I am entering. I am truly grateful to have these amazing people in my life. Without them I would be nowhere.

I absolutely adore this Leona Edmiston dress. I felt a million dollars!

I absolutely adore this Leona Edmiston dress. I felt a million dollars!

Kazbah bombe

Surprises on the scales

Last week I had a huge loss. I figured that was the plane bloat and extra fluid I was holding due to eating heaps of salt and other less than healthy foods while I was on holidays. Since I’ve been home I’ve eaten pretty well (apart from a big red flag weekend) but had only managed to exercise on 3 days. I was therefore hoping for a loss but expecting only about 500g if I was lucky. Imagine my surprise then when I stepped on the scales and saw that I had dropped 2.3kg!!! That’s huge. Not counting last week, that’s my biggest loss ever. I’m thinking there was a bit of leftover fluid and maybe my body has gone into shock at eating clean again. Either way I don’t care. It’s awesome!!! Added to that my scales say I’ve lost 2% fat. Happy days 🙂 those are the same scales that 2 months ago would measure my fat at all because there was too much of it.

The only downside is how it effects other people. I know it’s hard not to compare yourself to others (I struggled during round 1 preseason I remember), but when people complain about a loss of 800gm and think its terrible and want to throw in the towel because its not as big as those like mine, it makes me feel bad for sharing and takes some of the gloss off. I’d like us to celebrate every achievement, no matter how big or small. Sure some weeks the numbers aren’t massive (although really I think 800g is huge) but the effort that went into getting those results are just as big. Bodies just don’t work according to some magical formula especially female bodies. Some will lose small numbers on the scales but massive inches. Others lose more on the scales and less on the tape measure. Some get big results on both and for others it’s slow going all the way. Everyone is on their own journey. It’s a journey not a race. It doesn’t matter if we don’t get there first, what matters is that we pick up our feet day after day, step after step and keep going. I know it might seem really easy for me to say when I’m sitting on a really big loss this week but I mean it. Next week I’m expecting a small number, maybe even less than 500g – that’s the way my body usually works, but I will celebrate that as well as celebrating with those who lose big numbers. I hope that others continue on their journey they start to feel the same about the scales. Any loss is a good loss. Even of there is no loss, the scales are but one indicator of the changes we are making. Celebrate ALL the accomplishments – increased fitness, sticking to the meal plan, being in control of food instead of it controlling us, running further / faster, doing more push-ups etc.

On the subject of push-ups, really pleased to say I’ve kept up and am now halfway through Michelle’s 300 push up challenge this week. Not always easy, especially to do them on top of regular training, but I’ve done them and most of them on my toes even though I’m only “required” to do them on knees.

Here’s hoping the positivity flows into the next week 🙂 and congratulations to EVERYONE for their amazing achievements on and off the scales this week.