Getting back into the swing of things… slowly

Down 700g for this week. Better than last week. It did teach me not to do sneaky mid week weigh ins though.. I was down a whole kilo as of Sunday and did nothing “wrong” between then and today to warrant the increase of 300g.  700g for a week like this is good though. Nutrition is still not 100%. I think I hit the worst of it on the weekend though. Friday run club which I normally LOVE, I ended up in tears. We were doing hill runs which are never easy, but when you’ve filled your body with crap for weeks leading up to them they are downright horrendous. I’m a stubborn cow though, so I kept pushing myself. Could hardly breathe (to the point where people asked me if i was asthmatic), wanted to throw up but was so damned mad at myself I just kept pushing. The girls were amazing though. I truly am blessed to have so much support around me. Coach took me aside for a bit of a chat and kept checking in with me all day. Result: first crap free day all week.

Saturday I was determined to bang out a real super session. I did bootcamp in the morning as usual, then got the shopping done and headed out to Homebush to meet up with a friend to try and complete a 10km run. By the time we started it was 11am and Sydney had turned on an absolute pearler of a day. Bright blue skies and warm sunshine…. about 1km in I was cursing that sunshine. It felt HOT! No shade out there, but the lovely Kate had mapped out a nice flat route for my first 10km. I couldn’t let her down. It wasn’t fast (1hr 13min) and it defintely wasn’t pretty… and I fought with myself the whole way around but it got DONE! 10.3km non stop. A personal record for me. Thank goodness Kate accepts that i’m a little crazy and didnt freak out when I started yelling at my legs (body was doing that thing where it works a pain around the body… shin splints, stitch, shoulder pain etc which was fine, until it went back to shin splints and I dedided that doubling back was against the rules). Not did it phase her when i started chanting “I can do this” in time with our footfalls outloud to try and quiet the voice in my head that was telling me I was too fat/old/unfit etc to do this. I must say that that is the most negative my head has ever been during a run. It’s scary. Thankfully the out loud chanting and the support of my wonderful running partner got me through it. There was no runners high at the end of that run (at least not for me – Kate on the other hand was flying high after running way slower than she usually would so I could keep up) but I was really pleased that I won the mental battle and got it done. I followed it up on Monday with another 9km + run near home. Legs were aching and I didnt manage to run the steep hill after the stairs that time but I did run the rest and theres no shame in walking 120m up a 45′ gradient 8km in.  I did manage all 75 burpees and 150 lunges (75 each leg) at the end of the toning session last night so its no wonder my legs are dead today.

Food the rest of the week has been pretty good until today. I broke down and ate chocolate in spite of my pledge to stay off it completely for this week. No real reason just an “I want it” and couldn’t be bothered fighting the impulse for too long. Not going to beat myself up though. Tonight its off to Kimax and I’ll beat up the boxing bag instead. Also gives my legs a little bit of a break as I’m not going to do a run today (other than running around in class).

So the week isn’t perfect but it’s not that bad and the scales are still moving in the right direction. Hopefully things just keep getting better from here


Falling off the wagon

I don’t usually write two posts a day but I just did something I haven’t done since before I signed up and I feel utterly sick about it. I just binged. I had finished dinner, had dessert. sitting watching TV winding down for bed. For the last hour I’ve wanted chocolate. I tried ignoring it but the want wouldn’t go away. So I thought, ok. I’ll have a little bit. Previously I have been able to have a small bit and be done with it. I went and weighed out 25gm (1 serving) of an Easter Egg I bought for my niece (rationalising it in my mind because it now looks like I wont see them before I go overseas.) I put the rest away. I ate the 25 grams. It wasn’t even particularly nice. But it wasn’t enough. Back to the cupboard I went like a person possessed. Stuff measuring. I just started breaking bits off and stuffing them in my mouth. It was so sickly sweet I wanted to throw up but I kept eating. WTF is wrong with me??? I even went and got some water to wash it down with so I could eat more. Before I knew it half the 200g rabbit was gone.

I have no idea what came over me! Even while I was eating it I knew it was stupid. I knew it was wrong. I knew I shouldn’t be doing it. Why the hell did I keep eating it? Why today? I’m not upset, or angry or any other extreme emotion. I have been bored a lot today but that is no excuse.  I’m so angry and upset with myself right now. The only positive I can find in this is that I stopped at half and didnt eat all of it or the ones for my other niece and nephew. What sort of a person does this? They weren’t even mine!!! Maybe if I had kept eating I would have thrown up and at least then it wouldn’t be making its way to my lard arse as I sit and type. Dammit what is wrong with me?????? If I knew why it happened I could at least know how to prevent it but I just don’t know. Where the hell is my head at??? One freaking week before I fly overseas. One measly week left in which I have complete control over what I shove into my mouth and I couldn’t do it. Too weak to say no to myself. How pathetic. I disgust myself. I don’t even have time tomorrow for an extra long workout (nanna duties) so that fat is just going to sit and multiply. I make myself sick.

I’m not going to give up though. I will not let this beat me. I can’t. I have to get straight back on track. I have to.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Well it’s Christmas Eve. Usually this is a time of year when I totally pig out. Eating and drinking everything in sight. Chocolate for breakfast was not unusual. I used the excuse “it’s only once a year it can’t hurt”. Well it did hurt. Also I was using the eating to cover the hurt. Whilst I absolutely adore Christmas it does also serve to remind me that there are things that I don’t have in my life that I have always really wanted. Things like having my own children and partner to wake up with on Christmas morning and share the joys of the day with. Someone to help me decorate the house, or even to appreciate the decorating once they are up. For a single woman living alone, Christmas can actually be quite lonely. I have fabulous brothers and sisters in law who welcome me into their homes at any time of year, and are more than happy to have me at Christmas, but sometimes I still feel like a burden…. you know like the crazy old aunt that your parents used to argue about whos turn it is to host her as she has nowhere else to go and its wrong to leave her alone for Christmas. My family would no doubt be horrified if they knew I felt this way – its definitely more about how I feel about myself than how they feel. So anyway I used to eat and drink the pain away.

This year has been different though. There have still been numerous functions, parties and get togethers, and there have still been lonely hours at home alone, but this year I have something I havent had in previous years. Hope, inspiration and an absolute belief that I can change. I’m not saying I’ve done a complete turn around overnight. I havent. I still cry at night sometimes and wonder whether anyone (other than my brothers, their wives and my nieces and nephews) will ever love me. I still wish I had my own kids to spoil on Christmas morning, and a family of my own to share Christmas traditions with and I still LOVE chocolate. I havent been eating it for breakfast though. As a matter of fact I have hardly eaten any at all. Yes I bought myself 4 individual little ones when i was buying the gift boxes at Belle Fleur but I have so far only eaten 1 even though they have been in the house for days. Some of you may tut tut and say I shouldnt have eaten any, but you don’t realise what an achievement that is for me. Last year for example, I bought myself a full gift box (justifying it by saying it was a “spare” in case I had forgotten someone), and had eaten the 5 or 6 individual ones i bought within 1 hour of getting them home. The giftbox was devoured (by me) by new years… and only lasted that long cause I’d received others at christmas. So one bit size chocolate in 3 days is bloody close to a Christmas miracle!

You don’t know how many calories you have saved me just by being able to connect in a small way with you all here (on the 12WBT forums). Reading your stories and your struggles moves me and lets me know I’m not alone. Reading your hopes, and your positivity inspires me. I know I have eaten way less “junk” over the last couple of weeks and in a large part its because of you. When I’m lonely and/or bored at home I jump on here instead of opening the fridge (which doesnt have any junk left in it anyway cause I refuse to buy anymore so once its gone its gone). Hopefully I can keep that up over the next 3 days which are the biggest food days for me.

Another someone who will probably never know how much she helps me is my 4 year old niece. I may not have my own kids, but this little girl gives me more joy than I could ever hope for. Just as an example… Saturday evening, I was sitting on a blanket alone, waiting for my brother and his family to arrive at Carols in the Domain. Surrounded by laughing families, snuggling couples etc I was struggling to save the space we needed on my own and starting to lament my status (and thinking maybe I should have brought dips and chocolates to snack on). Just when I was starting to feel sorry for myself this little ray of sunshine bounds into my arms with a huge grin on her face screaming “Aunty PEEEEEJ!!!!!). After engulfing me with precious hugs she looks me in the eye and says “Guess what Aunty Peej?”
“What Mackenzie?”
“Santa comes in 3 sleeps!”
“Ohhh” I say. “how exciting!”
“And guess what else?” exclaims this adorable little bundle of love
“Its only 2 more sleeps until you come to my house!!!”
So if a visit from me brings the same level of excitement to a 4 year old as the coming of Santa how could I possibly feel unloved? Definitely not the crazy old aunt no one really wants to host.

Knowing how much she looks up to me, helps keep me on track. I want to be the fun aunt she can do things with, that can keep up with her and run around with her. Once she arrived I no longer missed the dips etc I would normally have consumed at an event like that.

The positivity followed through to the next day too. I went over and visited my other brother, and as it was a hot afternoon took my swimmers to take a dip in their pool. Instead of my usual melancholy at how horrid I look in swimmers, I was actually thinking “gee cant wait till I no longer have to wear boardies to cover my thighs.” , “by this time next year I’ll be back in that bikini”. Instead of just sitting in the pool, I found myself constantly moving around, not doing laps or anything but just using the water as resistance to work my arms and legs a bit. My sister in law even noticed the little bit of weight I’ve dropped since last seeing her, which was lovely especially since i cant see it anywhere but on the scales yet. Not even the guilt trip laden Christmas card my mother sent me could dampen my spirits. (and that is a HUGE leap forward for me)

So here I am, looking forward to spending Christmas with my family (well the important members of it anyway). Yes I will still eat the Christmas roast etc, no I probably wont count the calories in that meal, but I have a sneaking suspicion I wont be finishing it so full I feel sick and can barely move. I also know that instead of eating to dull my pain, I will be embracing the love that does surround me and maybe even loving myself smile

So to my fellow members on this journey, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and I hope you all are surrounded by loving and supportive people. I KNOW we can get through this period without stacking on the kilos but still having a wonderful time with family and friends.