Figuring out the why

Well today is Weigh In Wednesday… or as it has been rebranded – Weekly Checkpoint Wednesday. I’m not jumping with joy today although I probably should be. I lost 300gms. The number itself is not jumpworthy but the fact I lost anything at all given the week I have had food wise probably is. But I’m not jumping. I’m disappointed in myself. I have eaten myself stupid this week. Not just at the 3 social events I’ve had where I ate (and drank) way more than I needed to either. What most disappoints me is what is happening at home. Boredom and unpreparedness are my worst enemies. Monday I had a morning with Nanna which is never fun. Stupid thing was I thought it was Tuesday morning that i had her, so when the reminder went off in my phone for her appointment it threw me totally out of sorts. I did grab a healthy breakfast before i ran out the door but that was it. My laziness over the weekend also meant I hadn’t done the weekly shopping, so after finishing with Nanna I stopped off at Coles on my way home… but by then I was hungry. I should NEVER shop when I’m hungry. Especially when i have been craving crap, namely red rock deli chips, for days. Result was I detoured down the crap aisle and specifically bought chips… AND chocolate. Then I ate the bloody chips in the car on the way home. The whole large bag! To top that off when i got home, instead of making myself a healthy lunch i ate an entire block of chocolate. I can’t even blame TTOM! It’s total self sabotage. 1800 cals of self sabotage. That was the “lunch” my body was supposed to draw the nutrients it needs to fuel me for the afternoon from.

Now my body is an absolutely amazing machine. Tuesday night I went for a run. My body, fuelled by total rubbish, ran 9.3km in 1hr and 4 min including running up stairs and some decent hills. My body is a miracle. I am in awe of it. 9.3km!

That run felt FANTASTIC. Even whilst I was doing it! Well ok it was mainly the last 1km which was downhill which felt fantastic but still it felt right. Feeding my face chips and chocolate did not feel right. It felt wrong. Why then did I do it? Why is it that sitting here now writing this post I want to do it again? Why 8 months into this journey have I not learned this lesson?

I need to figure out the why. I need to start being totally honest. The nutrition slippage hasn’t just happened. It’s been going on for a while now. It’s been pretty bad almost constantly since my birthday. (result being I am only 200g lighter than I was 3 weeks ago).  The only reason my weight isn’t up I think is because I seem to have found my running mojo. I need to control the food. I have a sneaking suspicion that all the compliments I have been receiving lately may have something to do with it. My family and friends have really started to notice the loss and are telling me I look great. They are telling me they are PROUD of me. Is that it? Do I not think I deserve pride and praise? Am I self sabotaging to prove them wrong? I mean I’ve been proud of myself. I guess though, the pride I have found in myself has not been about the weight loss. I have been proud of achieving distances or times in my runs. I have been proud of finishing challenges I thought impossible. The weightloss though doesn’t feel like an achievement. In all honesty I sometimes feel guilty about it. It’s been easy. Shit now I’ve said it out loud I realise there is a lot of guilt associated with that. Weightloss is not meant to be easy right? If it was easy I should have done it years ago… or never let myself become a 98kg 156cm blimp in the first place. But really doing the 12WBT the weightloss part is easy. Follow the program (food + exercise) and the weight comes off. Simple. But yet not so simple. My head is my biggest enemy.

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I need to convince myself that I am worthy of praise. Worthy of people’s faith in me. I need to believe it is ok not to be invisible (note to self write blog on invisibility). I need to learn how to live in this new slimmer but still far from slim body. I need to value what it can do enough to fuel it right. I know this in the logical part of my brain, but obviously there is another part of me that is still struggling with these concepts or else I would not be eating enough to fuel a Romanian weight lifting team! I feel like I am letting people down. The amazing pink ladies (12WBT inner westies) who on a daily basis inspire me with their amazing achievements. I present this front to them. I pretend I am in control. That I’m smashing goals. But I’m not. I’m stuffing my face. I’m lying to them and to myself. My family who are so proud. My friends who show so much faith in me and who bought me such thoughtful gifts for my birthday for this new body. I am letting them all down. But mostly i am letting myself down. I just don’t know how to stop… and I’m SCARED, I’m so scared I will go back to that fat unhappy blob. I don’t want to do that. I want to be the fit, healthy PJ everyone else thinks I am becoming. I just need to fix my head

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*Edit: Sorry if this post is rambling. I find just putting thoughts on paper can sometimes help me.

I’m living in the 70’s!!!

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Turn on the Lava Lamp, it’s time to ditch the leg warmers and pull on the psychedelic  flairs, kicking the 80s to the kerb. In the words of Skyhooks I’m Livin in the 70’s!!! The stalled weight loss of the last few weeks is a thing of the past. The last few weeks I’ve been knocking on the door of the 80kg benchmark, and this morning I smashed right through it! 1.6kg loss for the week  means the weight is starting to shift again and I’m oh so happy! The 100g loss of last week did play with my head a bit, but thankfully not enough to bring on a binge. Quite the opposite actually. I was tempted to under eat, but that doesn’t work either. It was a tough time but I reached out and got some fabulous support and a reminder of how far I have come. So I’ve committed (publicly) to eating every single one of my calories every single day. I’ve also started taking a magnesium supplement as I seem to have a permanent case of DOMS the last few weeks which is making everything seem hard. They seem to be working and I’m looking forward to smashing out some more calories tonight at kimax. Have a great week everyone!

 

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Bumps along the road

It’s been an interesting few days for me. The long weekend saw me on massive highs from fitness achievements. I’m still on a high really. Tuesday I had an overnight trip to Canberra for work, meaning I wouldn’t be able to weigh in as usual on Wednesday. I decided to weigh in Tuesday morning before I left. POP that burst my bubble! Down a measly 100gm. At first I was disappointed. I guess I was expecting a good number to go with my great weekend… I really wanted to get into the 70’s this week. I figured with all the calories I’d burned over the weekend I was OWED that much. My inner teenager started foot stomping and sulking. Then I remembered everything else I have achieved this week, how awesomely my body had performed, and then honesty kicked in and I remembered the 2 red flag days with the less than stellar food choices made. (read all calorie counting thrown to the wind). So ok maybe a 100g loss isn’t so bad after all. Yes it means I didn’t get under 80 this week, but I’m 100g closer and I’ll get there next week… or the week after. Either way I know I WILL get there. Ok full blown tantrum averted. Off to Canberra.

 

Canberra ended up being one of those days where things just didn’t go right. Not just for me either. My team were stressed and grumpy too. Unfortunately none of it was due to anything I could fix. I was so relieved when the day was over. Instead of doing what I knew I should have done (the at home workout in my hotel room) I went for a bit of retail therapy. I did get some cute new boots that I needed, but I didn’t really burn any extra calories or build my strength. Then the team and I decided that pre dinner drinks were in order to wind down, so I stopped off and bought nibblies to go with the wine. So I spent the early evening, eating and drinking copious amounts of red wine. By the time we decided to head off to dinner I wasn’t really hungry, but I went anyway. More drinking, more eating. Including dessert. I think the inner teenager might have snuck out again and decided that since I haven’t lost any weight I may as well stuff my face.

IDIOT! By the time we left the restaurant I was feeling really ill. My stomach was one giant cramp. It felt like it would explode out of my body at any second. I couldn’t even fit a sip of water in. It was awful. The walk back to the hotel I was in agony. I can’t believe I used to have nights like that regularly and think nothing of it. The pain was awful. If someone had offered me a stomach pump at that point I would have grabbed it with both hands. As none was available I did the next best thing. I purged. This is not a behaviour I condone in the slightest. Its not one I’ve ever really indulged in. Generally speaking I can only make myself vomit if I am actually sick. This time, it was a case of knowing I needed to sleep but that the way I was feeling there was no way I could sleep. So I did it. And it relieved the pressure in my stomach. It meant I could sleep.

The upshot of all of that, is not that I’ve found a new way to eat what I want and not gain weight. The upshot is that I have realised that I no longer WANT to over eat. It is no longer pleasurable. I don’t care how nice the food tastes, if I eat too much of it the pain is so not worth it. What’s more I don’t have to weight days until I see the results on the scales as my consequence. That pain is almost immediate (just not quite immediate enough to stop me getting there).  Bulimia is a very real and dangerous condition and it’s not one I want to move towards. My heart goes out to anyone who battles this.

So yeah there have been a couple of speedbumps along the road this week, but you know what, my body is a 4WD all terrain vehicle. I’m going to drive right over these bumps and continue on my journey. They will not stop me. I WILL reach my destination. All they’ve done is slowed me down a touch… and sometimes you need to slow down to allow yourself to absorb whats going on around you.

Falling off the wagon

I don’t usually write two posts a day but I just did something I haven’t done since before I signed up and I feel utterly sick about it. I just binged. I had finished dinner, had dessert. sitting watching TV winding down for bed. For the last hour I’ve wanted chocolate. I tried ignoring it but the want wouldn’t go away. So I thought, ok. I’ll have a little bit. Previously I have been able to have a small bit and be done with it. I went and weighed out 25gm (1 serving) of an Easter Egg I bought for my niece (rationalising it in my mind because it now looks like I wont see them before I go overseas.) I put the rest away. I ate the 25 grams. It wasn’t even particularly nice. But it wasn’t enough. Back to the cupboard I went like a person possessed. Stuff measuring. I just started breaking bits off and stuffing them in my mouth. It was so sickly sweet I wanted to throw up but I kept eating. WTF is wrong with me??? I even went and got some water to wash it down with so I could eat more. Before I knew it half the 200g rabbit was gone.

I have no idea what came over me! Even while I was eating it I knew it was stupid. I knew it was wrong. I knew I shouldn’t be doing it. Why the hell did I keep eating it? Why today? I’m not upset, or angry or any other extreme emotion. I have been bored a lot today but that is no excuse.  I’m so angry and upset with myself right now. The only positive I can find in this is that I stopped at half and didnt eat all of it or the ones for my other niece and nephew. What sort of a person does this? They weren’t even mine!!! Maybe if I had kept eating I would have thrown up and at least then it wouldn’t be making its way to my lard arse as I sit and type. Dammit what is wrong with me?????? If I knew why it happened I could at least know how to prevent it but I just don’t know. Where the hell is my head at??? One freaking week before I fly overseas. One measly week left in which I have complete control over what I shove into my mouth and I couldn’t do it. Too weak to say no to myself. How pathetic. I disgust myself. I don’t even have time tomorrow for an extra long workout (nanna duties) so that fat is just going to sit and multiply. I make myself sick.

I’m not going to give up though. I will not let this beat me. I can’t. I have to get straight back on track. I have to.

Mini Milestones and reflections

This week is week 8 of the 12 week body transformation. Weeks 4 and 8 are “mini milestone” weeks where we take measurements in addition to weigh ins, redo the fitness test and basically reassess and see how we are going. I’ve been a bit all over the shop lately. My headspace just isn’t where it was at the start of the round. I’ve allowed myself to slack off a little in regards to exercise – Thank goodness for bootcamp, the sessions I have with members of the Inner Westies and other friends as they are what keep my exercise on track. I know my head isn’t right as I have also been struggling with the food side of things over the last couple of weeks. 2 nights with complete blowouts while I was in Canberra are one thing, but it’s the stuff while I have been at home that is more concerning. Funnily enough, I’m not eating too much – quite the opposite. There are way too many days when I’m under the 1200 calories… and not by a little bit either. There have been days when I have only eaten 800 or 900 calories all day. Some people may think “so what? you’re fat. The less you eat the better!” But my body just doesn’t work that way. It also doesn’t work when I pig out at a dinner and then under eat for a day or 3 to try and make up for it.

My weightloss over the last 2 weeks is kind of reflective of that – 1.3kg total for the last fortnight (600g this week). Prior to that I’ve been averaging a kilo a week (or more) since the round kicked off. I need to get myself back under control. My biggest downfall with food comes in fact from my desire to sleep in. I have never been an early riser, and whilst I set the alarm to get up for work or bootcamp etc, if I don’t have somewhere specific to be I just can’t seem to make myself get out of bed. This morning it was 8.30am before I got up…some days it’s later. Part of it is working shifts. I was always taught sleep while you can as you never know how long the shift will go for (we don’t have set hours). On afternoon shifts it has always been rare for me to be out of bed before 9. When I started this program I was good about getting up when my reminders to exercise beeped and getting on with things, but lately I’ve been sleeping through the reminders or just plain ignoring them. I figure I can exercise “later”. Whilst most of the time I do exercise later (occasionally miss a day) it stuffs up my eating. If I don’t have breakfast until after 9, I’m not usually hungry until lunchtime (if even then) so i miss my morning snack. I usually have my afternoon snack, but then after dinner I find myself with 150 calories or more still to eat and me not being hungry because I’ve just had dinner. Result is I either don’t eat the calories, or I make them up with crap. Chocolate or alcohol being my current crap of choice. I don’t think I’ve ever got to the stage where I am hungry but have run out of calories for the day.  Part of that is because the food on this program is so good – tasty and filling. But I’m afraid it’s also partially because I’m just not spending enough hours in the day being active.

 

I figured today would also be a good day to do my measurements that are due this week. I’ve actually felt a bit slimmer lately. Yesterday I was laying on my side in bed and rested my arm on my hip and I felt bone. I don’t think I’ve felt bone in my hips since before puberty! So I pulled out the trusty tape measure and started measuring.

Results: Weight – down 600g. Total 13.2kg since i started, 7.6 in 8 weeks.

Chest: down 1cm in last 4 weeks. 2cm total. (that’s ok I kind of like being big busted)

Waist: down 2cm in last 4 weeks, 12cm total. (disappointed with the last 4 weeks change here as I feel like my stomach has been shrinking. Even at my heaviest I have a defined waist though so as of today I have started tracking my top and bottom stomach because I am sure that is shrinking.)

Hips: down 4cm last 4 weeks, 17cm total. (happy days)

Thighs: down 2-3cm each leg 4-6cm total (very happy with this and I think I can actually notice the difference)

Arms: back up to starting measurement. (Not happy. I know I’m getting stronger though so this may be due to the measurement not being taken at the widest point, but instead taken from the bottom of the bicep which wont change as much).

Calf: down 1cm each. Total 2cm each (not a required measurement, but one i’m interested in as I’d love to be able to buy knee high boots from a regular store instead of having to have them made or bought from “big girls” shops.

 

So a bit of a mixed bag there. There are some positives though. I was reminded by one of my lovely training partners last night, that we have been at this since the beginning of December. It hasn’t just been 8 weeks. Whilst I may have had an occasional slip up, I have always got straight back on track. I honestly think this is the longest I have ever consciously done anything to improve my health and I’m proud of that. I have no intention of giving up. Ever. I have a long way to go to get to my weight loss goals, but I have a firm belief that I will get there. This program isn’t a “quick fix” (although there are definitely people who lose weight on it a lot faster than I have.) It is however something I believe I can sustain for as long as I need to lose weight, and then incorporate into a regular healthy life.

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Odds and Sods

I had big plans for this weekend. I was going to do bootcamp this morning, then my markets shopping, home for Mish’s Heart starter session, then the groceries, cleaning and a cookup. Tomorrow I was planning to do the bay in the morning and maybe even try running again since I havent had a twinge out of my leg in about 24 hours.

So much for plans sad It was pouring this morning so bootcamp got cancelled, the cyclonic winds in conjunction with the rain made the markets impractical. Result – I laid in bed until 9am. TTOM hit this morning and I feel like crap. Nauseous, bloated and just plain blah. I was tempted to skip training all together today and use it as a rest day (I’ve already decided to swap Sat and Sunday meal plans this weekend as I have a cooking class tomorrow afternoon). I did manage to head to Coles to get the groceries done and that in itself provided an odd experience.

I was standing in the middle of the fruit and veg section checking the shopping list on my iphone when a strange guy walked up to me and said “Excuse me, but where are you from to be so beautiful?” What the??? Odd on a few levels. 1) to be asked where I’m from in a city I have lived my whole life, and for which my colouring is not at all unusual. and 2) I was looking like crap: no makeup, hair thrown up, bloated stomach, jeans too loose around the waist but still clinging to my stubbornly massive thighs and calves, shirt I’d spilled toothpaste on before coming out and could not be bothered changing. I hardly expected to be hit on! I thanked him and tried to continue on my way but he followed me asking why I walk away when a guy gives me a compliment and then he wanted my name and phone number. I was a little firmer (but still polite) in my response that time and he left me alone, but it did get me thinking. Why is it so hard to take compliments? (And do people really use the supermarket on a Saturday morning as a pickup joint?) I’m never all that comfortable with compliments about my looks, but I find them especially hard when I have made no effort. eg If I’m dressed up for an event and receive a compliment I can say things like “thankyou the hairdresser did a great job this morning” or “thanks a little makeup does wonders” or “thanks this dress is great for hiding a multitude of sins”. For some reason I can’t just be accept the compliment, I have to turn it around and give the credit to someone or something else. I wonder if that will change? I wonder if as I go through this journey I might start receiving more compliments about my looks? Is it a matter of practice to get used to accepting them?

At least getting out of the house made me feel a little better and I did Mish’s Heart Starter when I got home. Only 348 cals burned, but I think I will be happy with that today and do the super session before the Thai cooking class tomorrow. My biggest problem today is going to be eating. Being bloated, eating is the last thing I feel like doing. I forced down breakfast at 9 but its now 1.30 and the thought of eating lunch makes me queasy. I know I have to do it though. I’m thinking if I can at least get through the 3 main meals today that will be an achievement. Does anyone else feel like this some days? Knowing my luck my appetite will come back right in the middle of the cooking class tomorrow and I’ll want to eat everything in sight lol. Should be fun though, and worthy of “treat meal” status.

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Pleasant surprises

Today is Weigh in Wednesday again. I wasn’t expecting big numbers after cracking a full kilo last week and having a massive blow out meal on Sunday (guestimating with my fitness pal, that 4-5 hour lunch/ dinner was over 1600 calories!!!! and that’s without drinking!) I’ve been really struggling with the exercise too this week. Most days it has been a real effort to force myself to JFDS and the temptation to roll over and go back to sleep in the mornings has been HUGE! I have managed 5 workouts since last Wednesday but if I’m honest with myself I didn’t really push myself as hard as I could on most of them. I am going to take the fact that I got past the “I’m too tired” excuse and got out and did them as a win though. That’s 2793 calories I would not have burned if I had let the excuses win. I know I need to burn more in a week but at this stage just getting myself to move is a win.

It’s getting harder to burn those calories too. eg. Jan 1. I walked the 7km baywalk in 1hr 13 min and burned around 730 cals. This morning I walked it in 1hr 10min and only burned 509 calories. I’m definitely getting fitter! I’d need to run at least half the bay to get to 730 cals now… unfortunately I’m not quite fit enough to get there yet. I will though. Soon.

So anyway I wasn’t expecting huge things from my scales. I was just praying that I hadn’t put on. I was not disappointed – another 400g GONE. Given the week that has been I’m very happy with that. I have my last big red flag day for a while on Sunday. – a desgustation dinner with matching wines. Given the calories that were in last Sunday’s lunch I’m expecting at least double that at the dinner. I’m going to have to push myself this week and burn more calories in order to combat that meal and record a loss next Wednesday. Hopefully the release of the shopping lists etc tomorrow will help keep me motivated and on track. I read through the results of some of the people in the facebook groups who are finishing round 4 and there are some pretty awesome and inspiring results happening. I’m hoping I can get there too.

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