Figuring out the why

Well today is Weigh In Wednesday… or as it has been rebranded – Weekly Checkpoint Wednesday. I’m not jumping with joy today although I probably should be. I lost 300gms. The number itself is not jumpworthy but the fact I lost anything at all given the week I have had food wise probably is. But I’m not jumping. I’m disappointed in myself. I have eaten myself stupid this week. Not just at the 3 social events I’ve had where I ate (and drank) way more than I needed to either. What most disappoints me is what is happening at home. Boredom and unpreparedness are my worst enemies. Monday I had a morning with Nanna which is never fun. Stupid thing was I thought it was Tuesday morning that i had her, so when the reminder went off in my phone for her appointment it threw me totally out of sorts. I did grab a healthy breakfast before i ran out the door but that was it. My laziness over the weekend also meant I hadn’t done the weekly shopping, so after finishing with Nanna I stopped off at Coles on my way home… but by then I was hungry. I should NEVER shop when I’m hungry. Especially when i have been craving crap, namely red rock deli chips, for days. Result was I detoured down the crap aisle and specifically bought chips… AND chocolate. Then I ate the bloody chips in the car on the way home. The whole large bag! To top that off when i got home, instead of making myself a healthy lunch i ate an entire block of chocolate. I can’t even blame TTOM! It’s total self sabotage. 1800 cals of self sabotage. That was the “lunch” my body was supposed to draw the nutrients it needs to fuel me for the afternoon from.

Now my body is an absolutely amazing machine. Tuesday night I went for a run. My body, fuelled by total rubbish, ran 9.3km in 1hr and 4 min including running up stairs and some decent hills. My body is a miracle. I am in awe of it. 9.3km!

That run felt FANTASTIC. Even whilst I was doing it! Well ok it was mainly the last 1km which was downhill which felt fantastic but still it felt right. Feeding my face chips and chocolate did not feel right. It felt wrong. Why then did I do it? Why is it that sitting here now writing this post I want to do it again? Why 8 months into this journey have I not learned this lesson?

I need to figure out the why. I need to start being totally honest. The nutrition slippage hasn’t just happened. It’s been going on for a while now. It’s been pretty bad almost constantly since my birthday. (result being I am only 200g lighter than I was 3 weeks ago).  The only reason my weight isn’t up I think is because I seem to have found my running mojo. I need to control the food. I have a sneaking suspicion that all the compliments I have been receiving lately may have something to do with it. My family and friends have really started to notice the loss and are telling me I look great. They are telling me they are PROUD of me. Is that it? Do I not think I deserve pride and praise? Am I self sabotaging to prove them wrong? I mean I’ve been proud of myself. I guess though, the pride I have found in myself has not been about the weight loss. I have been proud of achieving distances or times in my runs. I have been proud of finishing challenges I thought impossible. The weightloss though doesn’t feel like an achievement. In all honesty I sometimes feel guilty about it. It’s been easy. Shit now I’ve said it out loud I realise there is a lot of guilt associated with that. Weightloss is not meant to be easy right? If it was easy I should have done it years ago… or never let myself become a 98kg 156cm blimp in the first place. But really doing the 12WBT the weightloss part is easy. Follow the program (food + exercise) and the weight comes off. Simple. But yet not so simple. My head is my biggest enemy.

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I need to convince myself that I am worthy of praise. Worthy of people’s faith in me. I need to believe it is ok not to be invisible (note to self write blog on invisibility). I need to learn how to live in this new slimmer but still far from slim body. I need to value what it can do enough to fuel it right. I know this in the logical part of my brain, but obviously there is another part of me that is still struggling with these concepts or else I would not be eating enough to fuel a Romanian weight lifting team! I feel like I am letting people down. The amazing pink ladies (12WBT inner westies) who on a daily basis inspire me with their amazing achievements. I present this front to them. I pretend I am in control. That I’m smashing goals. But I’m not. I’m stuffing my face. I’m lying to them and to myself. My family who are so proud. My friends who show so much faith in me and who bought me such thoughtful gifts for my birthday for this new body. I am letting them all down. But mostly i am letting myself down. I just don’t know how to stop… and I’m SCARED, I’m so scared I will go back to that fat unhappy blob. I don’t want to do that. I want to be the fit, healthy PJ everyone else thinks I am becoming. I just need to fix my head

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*Edit: Sorry if this post is rambling. I find just putting thoughts on paper can sometimes help me.

Sweat and Tears

I’ve been complimented a few times in regards to my positive mindset for this challenge, and largely that is true. I have complete faith in the program and the people (Michelle and her team) that run it. I don’t however always have complete faith in myself. Today it all came crashing down.

I had planned to get up early this morning (early being around 6.30 or 7am for an afternoon shift week) to get the the gym at work and do the C25k on the treadmill and maybe some boxing, then coming home and doing the Earn Your Burn video to get my calories up for the day. I set the alarm. My workout gear was laid out. I went to bed early. In theory I was ready. I even woke up before the alarm… actually I’d been awake on and off half the night as I’d had a series of nightmares and so didn’t want to go back to sleep. I wasn’t tired though so that wasn’t the excuse for not getting out of bed. I laid there, awake, thinking I should be getting up. It’s the perfect time. I can get my workout done and still have time to myself before work. Instead I just laid there. So I started asking myself why? Why don’t I want to get up and do my workout. I mean I’ve done my excuses task, so I was ready for all the excuses I’d come up with there… instead my devious little pee brain came up with a new one that stumped me. “I just don’t want to”. WTF!?!!? What followed may be grounds for committing me to a mental institution. I had an argument with myself. “I don’t want to”… “So what we all do things we don’t want to, it’s called life”… “You can’t make me”… “Do you want to be fat forever? Just get up and do the bloody workout it will be done then”. This went on and on… for over an hour I am ashamed to say. Eventually I remembered my colleague that I had looked dead in the eye and made my commitment to. The same colleague who was no doubt expecting to see me at the gym today. The colleague I will see when I get to work and who will definitely ask me how my workout was since I didn’t go to the gym. Even the petulant child within me couldn’t face disappointing him so I dragged myself out of bed.

That wasn’t the end of the procrastination though. Oh no. I decided to have breakfast first, as that way I’d still be able to space my snacks out properly for the day (excuse). Bad move. Eating breakfast meant I had to wait an hour before I could do the workout. That meant I got on the computer…. Thankfully I came onto the forums, saw that other people are also struggling and thought, I can’t very well be trying to motivate and encourage others when I am sitting on my fat lazy butt all morning so I went to today’s workout and hit play on the video. I did have to pause it several times before I started though… oops “forgot” to put HRM on… oops “forgot my sweat towel”… oops “forgot” my water bottle. Seriously sometimes my own childishness astounds me.

Eventually I got going though and I was going along ok… or so I thought. I was struggling by the end of the 45 sec bursts and panting all the way through the 15 sec rest breaks but I was doing it. (Doing less of the intermediate and more of the beginner than I probably should, but still dripping with sweat.) It all came to a crashing end about the time of the 2nd “final blast” though. Michelle was talking in the video, trying to get the viewers to “push it”. Asking to “show me your commitment”, “show me your passion!”. That was the end for me. The floodgates opened and I collapsed on the floor sobbing my heart out. I have no passion for exercise. I can do the food commitment but can i really do the exercise? I’m SO unfit. 45 seconds of work and I can hardly breathe and am feeling like I want to throw up (breakfast first was NOT a good idea!). I crawled to the laptop and paused the video and sat howling into my sweat towel. I mean the really embarrassing loud, shoulder heaving HOWLS. I’m sure people on the street outside could hear me. I didn’t care. I just kept crying. I was however grateful I was at home in my loungeroom and not in a gym class or the middle of an oval. I don’t even really know why I was crying so much. I think it was a combination of exhaustion, fear, frustration, pain and probably hormones (will have to check calendar).

After a few minutes I was able to retain some composure, and finished the rest of the workout. I even surprised myself by getting my wrists all the way to my knees during the sit ups which I haven’t been able to do before. I think that was my body’s way of showing me that even though I am still struggling… a LOT, I am making improvements. I need to learn to celebrate those improvements and not be quite so hard on myself when I find the going tough (I do need to continue to be hard on myself when I’m being a lazy brat though). Now my workout is done. I only burned 426 cals though so I need to do something else. I’m hoping work wont be too late tonight and I can call on a friend or someone to go for a walk with me. I think I need the company today.

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A New Kind of Fear

I’ve noticed a bit of a shift in myself lately and I’m not sure it’s a good thing. I’m finding that I am afraid of stepping out of my new routine. When a friend suggests catching up for lunch or dinner I try to make excuses to avoid it as I’m not sure I’ll be able to work out how many calories are in the food I’ll eat even if I think I’m making a healthy choice. Why can’t menus give you a calorie breakdown? (menus at cafes and restaurants I mean not fast food takeaways). I don’t want to become a social pariah and food is a big part of my social activities so I need to find a healthy way to deal with it. One off big social events where I know its going to be a big calorie meal, but I have advanced warning for I’m not so scared of. It’s the regular lunch out or spontaneous get togethers I cant plan for that worry me.

Today I bit the bullet and agreed to go to lunch. I picked the healthiest thing on the menu – a grilled chicken and avocado salad. I actually felt like a change from water so ordered a diet coke to go with it. Having MyFitnessPal on my phone was handy… except I wasnt sure which version of chicken and avocado salad to use.. and most of them referred to “one serve” and I have no idea how big “one serve” is. So I picked one at a happy medium since there was no pesto or anything involved and took it to be around 269 cals.

When the salad arrived it looked massive! I was full just by looking at it. I wasnt terribly hungry anyway as just before going to lunch we had done 2km of walking along the soft sand on the beach (killer on the calves) and I was too tired to be hungry. I looked at the chicken and tried to work out how much it would weigh. There wasnt much avocado in it so I wasnt too worried about that but then I tasted it and found a dressing mixed through the salad underneath and that almost sent me into a panic. What did they use in the dressing? Was it full of sugar? These are not normal thoughts for me and I don’t like the feeling that came with them. I calmed myself down and tried to put my well educated taste buds to good work (I’ve eaten a LOT of different foods over my life. Surely I can pick out what’s in here!) Once I stopped freaking out I did realise it was a simple balsamic dressing and nothing worth stressing over. Yes I know I could have asked the chef what was in it but I would have felt like a fool. Fat chick wondering how much sugar is in a salad dressing that would have looked great… not. (yes I still have a LOT of work to do in relation to not worrying what other people think of me.) In the end I only ate half the salad and thought I was full. Now I’m home and starting to feel hungry again… but I do’nt really know how many calories I ate so don’t know how many I have left to play with today.

Similar fears are coming up with exercise too. I’m not paranoid about the numbers (didn’t have HRM on during beach walk today so no idea how many calories I burned), but I’m kind of scared about taking a rest day. My body is screaming at me for one – especially my legs. I have exercised every day since the end of December. I tried to take a rest day last Monday but by the afternoon just felt I HAD to do something so did an upper body circuit. At least I rested the legs I guess. I think my fear isn’t really about taking a rest day, it’s that I am afraid that if I stop exercising even for one day I wont get back into it. Don’t get me wrong – its not like I’m spending hours every day exercising or anything. Most days it’s only 1hr or a little longer. Today was only 30min of soft sand walking (felt like twice as long – but I still think I need to do more today). My legs are really starting to complain though. Driving home from the beach my calves threatened to cramp up every time I depressed the clutch. I know I need a rest day. I’m going to try and put my fear aside and take one tomorrow. (Friday). I’m hoping that the fact that I have bootcamp on Saturday and a pre arranged Bay Walk on Sunday means that the rest day wont extend to any longer than one day. I also hope I can get through the day without feeling guilty about not doing anything. Maybe Ill just concentrate on stretches all day so I’ll feel like I’ve done something but in reality wont have.

I’m not sure what’s going on with my head. I’ve never felt like this before. Hell I used to have rest days every day and eat whatever I damn well felt like without worrying about how many calories are in it. I want to have a normal relationship with food. I don’t want to rely on it to stabilise my emotional state, but I don’t want to be afraid of it either. I’m really hoping this side of things settles down as the program wears on, or that by facing these fears, one day at a time I can get over them.

Other People’s Judgement and Derision

I posted this in the Mindset Lessons forum, but I’m going to repost it here as well. After all it is part of the journey. Things don’t go perfectly every day and I need to learn to accept that and deal with it. So please forgive the double posting and the negative vibe. I’m sure I will feel better in the morning, but right now I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

Here’s the post:

Topic: Other people’s judgement and derision – Help!

Ok let me start by saying I know I cannot eat this way every day… or at all once the program starts in earnest.

Tonight a friend invited me out to dinner to a place that serves all you can eat ribs. I had a couple of days notice so I planned for it. I kept my pre dinner calories low (500 total before I went out). I ate super clean for 2 days prior. I’ve drunk nothing but water all week other than 1 glass of champagne and a couple of glasses of diet mineral water on NYE. I have been exercising my butt off (literally I hope). I’d walked just short of 6km this morning burning 438 cal in addition to the squats I’ve been doing and the 1350 cal I’ve burned the previous 2 days. I planned to walk the 2+km home from the restaurant…. in strappy sandles as I didn’t want to go out to dinner in my sneakers. I knew I was going to go over the 1200 for today, but my aim was to keep it under my BMR and make sure I did a good workout tomorrow as well. I figured I was good to go.

Dinner was going well. The serving size was quite small (about 1/2 a rack compared to what would normally come in a rack of takeaway ribs). Unfortunately the only sides they had available was a big bowl of mash potato or chips. I chose the chips as you didnt get that many of them and I drank lots of water. After we’d finished we sat at the table continuing to talk, and decided we were actually still a bit hungry so we asked for more ribs. This time I asked for a half serving (so about 4 2-3 inch long ribs) with no sides. My companion ordered a full serve of ribs with no sides.

Just after we were served I heard a man at a table behind us ask the waitress if that was our 2nd helping. Initially I thought he may have been upset that he hadn’t been served (service was VERY slow), but then he went on to say “How can they eat that much? That’s disgusting. I couldn’t eat that much”. The waitress then said something about us not having sides to which he replied “yeah but still! That’s gross!”

I was mortified, hurt, angry and embarrassed all at the same time. My friend is not as big as me, but still not what you would call skinny. For some reason though I took the mans comments to be directed purely at me. He and his scantily clad, half his age, stick thin dinner companion were still muttering about my/our eating habits as they left the restaurant and lit a cigarette on their way to their car.

It left a really sour taste in my mouth and a sick feeling in my stomach the whole walk home. It’s times like this when I would usually go straight for some chocolate or nutella. I’m not though. I’m on here… asking how others deal with these types of situations (assuming I’m not the only one who has been humiliated in this way). Besides, I’ve worked out my calories for the day and if I have chocolate it will put me over.

I know I should not have had a 2nd helping but please let me know I’m not alone.

Thanks for listening / reading
PJ

*Edit note* – I received some really supportive, caring lovely replies to this post on the forums. Not adding them here as that wouldn’t be right without the posters permission. I just wanted to add that the support I received that night really helped me.