Getting back into the swing of things… slowly

Down 700g for this week. Better than last week. It did teach me not to do sneaky mid week weigh ins though.. I was down a whole kilo as of Sunday and did nothing “wrong” between then and today to warrant the increase of 300g.  700g for a week like this is good though. Nutrition is still not 100%. I think I hit the worst of it on the weekend though. Friday run club which I normally LOVE, I ended up in tears. We were doing hill runs which are never easy, but when you’ve filled your body with crap for weeks leading up to them they are downright horrendous. I’m a stubborn cow though, so I kept pushing myself. Could hardly breathe (to the point where people asked me if i was asthmatic), wanted to throw up but was so damned mad at myself I just kept pushing. The girls were amazing though. I truly am blessed to have so much support around me. Coach took me aside for a bit of a chat and kept checking in with me all day. Result: first crap free day all week.

Saturday I was determined to bang out a real super session. I did bootcamp in the morning as usual, then got the shopping done and headed out to Homebush to meet up with a friend to try and complete a 10km run. By the time we started it was 11am and Sydney had turned on an absolute pearler of a day. Bright blue skies and warm sunshine…. about 1km in I was cursing that sunshine. It felt HOT! No shade out there, but the lovely Kate had mapped out a nice flat route for my first 10km. I couldn’t let her down. It wasn’t fast (1hr 13min) and it defintely wasn’t pretty… and I fought with myself the whole way around but it got DONE! 10.3km non stop. A personal record for me. Thank goodness Kate accepts that i’m a little crazy and didnt freak out when I started yelling at my legs (body was doing that thing where it works a pain around the body… shin splints, stitch, shoulder pain etc which was fine, until it went back to shin splints and I dedided that doubling back was against the rules). Not did it phase her when i started chanting “I can do this” in time with our footfalls outloud to try and quiet the voice in my head that was telling me I was too fat/old/unfit etc to do this. I must say that that is the most negative my head has ever been during a run. It’s scary. Thankfully the out loud chanting and the support of my wonderful running partner got me through it. There was no runners high at the end of that run (at least not for me – Kate on the other hand was flying high after running way slower than she usually would so I could keep up) but I was really pleased that I won the mental battle and got it done. I followed it up on Monday with another 9km + run near home. Legs were aching and I didnt manage to run the steep hill after the stairs that time but I did run the rest and theres no shame in walking 120m up a 45′ gradient 8km in.  I did manage all 75 burpees and 150 lunges (75 each leg) at the end of the toning session last night so its no wonder my legs are dead today.

Food the rest of the week has been pretty good until today. I broke down and ate chocolate in spite of my pledge to stay off it completely for this week. No real reason just an “I want it” and couldn’t be bothered fighting the impulse for too long. Not going to beat myself up though. Tonight its off to Kimax and I’ll beat up the boxing bag instead. Also gives my legs a little bit of a break as I’m not going to do a run today (other than running around in class).

So the week isn’t perfect but it’s not that bad and the scales are still moving in the right direction. Hopefully things just keep getting better from here

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Shattered expectations

I had high hopes for this week. I’ve trained like an absolute demon all week, my food has been great (apart from last night when poor preparation resulted in a packet of Twisties for dinner… under calories but hardly nutritious). I have a deficit of 2051 calories based on BMR – Food consumed and had burned 4304 cals via exercise so that should be   almost a 1kg loss based purely on the sums. I hadn’t had a huge loss on the scales last week, so I was all prepared for a good result and to smash through the 20kgs lost barrier. Life it seems had other ideas. Jumped on the scales and lo and behold 200g lost. Thats it. 200 measly grams. I’ve had bowel movements that weighed more than that! What’s worse was 100g short of the 20kg loss. To my credit I was only upset by this for a few seconds, before my new brain switched in to gear. No worries I though, so what the scales suck, I’ll grab the measuring tape. It’s week 8 of Round 2, time to do my measurements. I’ve been getting loads of compliments from people on how I look, my clothes are looser, I HAVE to have lost some cm since I measured 4 weeks ago.

WRONG! Bust measurement UP 1cm, which nicely counteracted the 1cm down off my waist, leaving me with a net loss of 2cm which came off 1 arm. Lost absolutely nothing off my hips legs etc. I couldn’t believe it. I was absolutely gutted 😦 I admit my response to the tape was nowhere near as logical and sensible as my response to the scales. After all, everyone always says, if you don’t see the results on the scales, don’t worry, you’ll get them on the tape and its more important that you measure smaller than that you weigh less. So here I am with crap results on both. Usually I’m able to celebrate other people’s success even when it far outstrips mine. Not today though. Posts from people who “had a bad week with food and only managed to exercise 1 or 2 days but still lost 1kg” just upset me. How dare they get great results when I worked my butt off, including 3 1000cal+ burn days and got nothing. Worse was when the measurements started being put out there. There are people who have lot more cm in 8 weeks of this round than I have lost since I started this journey. It’s not fair. I’m not saying they don’t deserve their results but I work just as hard so don’t I deserve results too?

So that was my childish, foot stomping mindset that I started the day with. I rebelled. I didn’t organise lunch knowing full well that would mean I would have to buy it (ended up buying a chicken wrap which wasnt too bad but still not ideal). I debated skipping the gym and just sulking on the couch. Lucky for me, a very wise woman pointed out that it’s not always about the numbers. She’s done several rounds and had huge success but the numbers have stalled a bit for her. She however returned to oztag today and was the fittest person on the field. and that was after she’d done a gym session. She’s right. I dragged my sorry butt to the gym tonight and did a Kimax class. 6 months ago that class would have killed me. Literally. I would have had a heart attack 10 min in… IF I survived the warm up. Not tonight though. I punched, kicked, elbowed and knee’d that bag like a demon. I took all my anger and frustration on that bag. When we did our runs between rounds and were told to sprint I ran flat out. I didnt jog like a lot of the others in the class and I certainly didnt walk, and then I was straight back on to the bag ready to go again. All the way to the end of the class. 1 hour and 600 cals later, sure I was dripping with sweat, but I felt GREAT. I had given it everything and I was still standing. I am STRONG. I am FIT. I am AWESOME, and if the scales and measuring tape can’t see that well stuff them.

It’s not always about the numbers

I'm not waiting until goal weight to live the life i want.

I’m not waiting until goal weight to live the life I want. I’m living my “after photo” NOW

Refocussed and feeling On Top Of the World! (week 8 Fitness test)

As you know I had a bad night on Wednesday… Looking back on it now, it’s not as bad as I thought it was at the time. Well not compared to the old me anyway. My “binge” consisted of half of a 200g Cadbury chocolate rabbit. So 100g of chocolate. Yes that’s over 500 calories I did not need to put into my body, but when you consider that for the last (almost) 40 years, I would have eaten the WHOLE thing in one sitting and thought nothing of it, then it looks slightly better. What still does concern me is that I ate it even though it was making me sick. Even though I had to wash each mouthful down with water because it was too sickly sweet. Even as I was asking myself why I was doing it, I just kept eating. It scares me to think that I can still get that out of control. I’ve done a LOT of work on myself over the last few months and I had hoped I had moved past that sort of behaviour, but I guess it just goes to show i have to be ever vigilant, and I still have a lot of work left to do. My binge didn’t end on Wednesday either.

On Thursday the other half of the rabbit disappeared into my gob as well. It wasn’t quite as out of control and maniacal as the previous night though. Although it definitely wasn’t enjoyed, or a “I want chocolate so I will plan to eat this” type of thing. In a way I think I was punishing myself. I know that doesn’t make any logical sense at all, but that is how it felt. Kind of like that old-fashioned method of parenting where they’d catch a kid smoking then make them chain smoke a whole packet until they threw up so they would never want to smoke again. Not a healthy way of dealing with the situation at all. Funnily enough though, as soon as that rabbit was finished I felt ok. It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders (and put back on my butt perhaps). When it was gone, I felt in control again and able to move on. The other kids rabbits haven’t een touched. Safely tucked away in the cupboard. I don’t want them. Reading back over my blogs I realised that I seem to fall into a hole just before the fitness tests / mini milestones. Whether that is a psychological response to the upcoming test, or whether it’s just coincidentally times with my hormonal cycle I am not sure. Either way I have now identified that pattern so will be on the look out for it. Hopefully having that little bit of knowledge will help me handle it better in 4 weeks time.

This morning I was up before dawn to meet some fabulous 12WBT ladies to do our fitness test. When we met at the park it was still dark. Our 1km route was in complete darkness for half the path. We could have used that as an excuse but we didn’t. On our warm up lap torches were out to check the path as we went. I did discover that I had been going longer than 1km on my previous tests (doh!) I therefore expected that my time today would be better just based on doing the correct distance. I didn’t expect the improvement I got though! The extra distance would have accounted for no more than 30 seconds of time. I SMASHED my old time by 1min 30 sec! What’s more, of the 1km I ran at least 900m of it (ok jogged but still!) I had 2 really quick walking rest breaks in the middle but the rest of it I ran. I was so bloody proud of myself! I now believe that if I manage to keep up my training while I’m away I will be able to run the whole km by the time I get back. (which will be the first fitness test of Round 2). For someone who could barely run 20m at the start of the year that is a huge improvement. I definitely still struggle with my breathing, and I’ll talk to the doctor about that when I get back I think. I realised the other day that in order to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth I have to consciously change the position of my tongue or close my mouth in order to block the airway in my mouth. My “default” breathing seems to be in and out through my mouth. Possibly thats due to having a blocked nose for most of my childhood. No idea. Will be interesting to find out if it’s changeable though.

My run was by far my biggest success in the fitness test, but I improved in all my results:

run: 1min 30sec faster than week 4, 2min 17 faster than week 1

pushups – 5 more on my toes than week 4 (none on my toes in week 1). I did less on my knees than week 4, but overall I did 2 more in the timeframe than week 4, and considering the extras on my toes I’m happy with that!

ab strength: I held my plank for 6 more seconds than week 4. On my toes. Can’t really compare it to Week 1 as I did that one on my knees, but an improvement on week 4 toes time so happy 🙂

wall sit: Only 2 sec longer than Week 4. Little disappointed with that today. My legs were like jelly from the get go. It was an improvement though and 13sec longer than Week 1

sit and reach: Bigger than expected improvement here too. 5cm more than week 4. 6cm more than week 1. Very happy. I think the shrinking gut contributes 😉

So all in all I’m really happy with my progress. There’s a long way to go on this journey yet, but I’m well on my way 🙂164258_613059338707614_1441537442_nmotivation 62

 

Mini Milestones and reflections

This week is week 8 of the 12 week body transformation. Weeks 4 and 8 are “mini milestone” weeks where we take measurements in addition to weigh ins, redo the fitness test and basically reassess and see how we are going. I’ve been a bit all over the shop lately. My headspace just isn’t where it was at the start of the round. I’ve allowed myself to slack off a little in regards to exercise – Thank goodness for bootcamp, the sessions I have with members of the Inner Westies and other friends as they are what keep my exercise on track. I know my head isn’t right as I have also been struggling with the food side of things over the last couple of weeks. 2 nights with complete blowouts while I was in Canberra are one thing, but it’s the stuff while I have been at home that is more concerning. Funnily enough, I’m not eating too much – quite the opposite. There are way too many days when I’m under the 1200 calories… and not by a little bit either. There have been days when I have only eaten 800 or 900 calories all day. Some people may think “so what? you’re fat. The less you eat the better!” But my body just doesn’t work that way. It also doesn’t work when I pig out at a dinner and then under eat for a day or 3 to try and make up for it.

My weightloss over the last 2 weeks is kind of reflective of that – 1.3kg total for the last fortnight (600g this week). Prior to that I’ve been averaging a kilo a week (or more) since the round kicked off. I need to get myself back under control. My biggest downfall with food comes in fact from my desire to sleep in. I have never been an early riser, and whilst I set the alarm to get up for work or bootcamp etc, if I don’t have somewhere specific to be I just can’t seem to make myself get out of bed. This morning it was 8.30am before I got up…some days it’s later. Part of it is working shifts. I was always taught sleep while you can as you never know how long the shift will go for (we don’t have set hours). On afternoon shifts it has always been rare for me to be out of bed before 9. When I started this program I was good about getting up when my reminders to exercise beeped and getting on with things, but lately I’ve been sleeping through the reminders or just plain ignoring them. I figure I can exercise “later”. Whilst most of the time I do exercise later (occasionally miss a day) it stuffs up my eating. If I don’t have breakfast until after 9, I’m not usually hungry until lunchtime (if even then) so i miss my morning snack. I usually have my afternoon snack, but then after dinner I find myself with 150 calories or more still to eat and me not being hungry because I’ve just had dinner. Result is I either don’t eat the calories, or I make them up with crap. Chocolate or alcohol being my current crap of choice. I don’t think I’ve ever got to the stage where I am hungry but have run out of calories for the day.  Part of that is because the food on this program is so good – tasty and filling. But I’m afraid it’s also partially because I’m just not spending enough hours in the day being active.

 

I figured today would also be a good day to do my measurements that are due this week. I’ve actually felt a bit slimmer lately. Yesterday I was laying on my side in bed and rested my arm on my hip and I felt bone. I don’t think I’ve felt bone in my hips since before puberty! So I pulled out the trusty tape measure and started measuring.

Results: Weight – down 600g. Total 13.2kg since i started, 7.6 in 8 weeks.

Chest: down 1cm in last 4 weeks. 2cm total. (that’s ok I kind of like being big busted)

Waist: down 2cm in last 4 weeks, 12cm total. (disappointed with the last 4 weeks change here as I feel like my stomach has been shrinking. Even at my heaviest I have a defined waist though so as of today I have started tracking my top and bottom stomach because I am sure that is shrinking.)

Hips: down 4cm last 4 weeks, 17cm total. (happy days)

Thighs: down 2-3cm each leg 4-6cm total (very happy with this and I think I can actually notice the difference)

Arms: back up to starting measurement. (Not happy. I know I’m getting stronger though so this may be due to the measurement not being taken at the widest point, but instead taken from the bottom of the bicep which wont change as much).

Calf: down 1cm each. Total 2cm each (not a required measurement, but one i’m interested in as I’d love to be able to buy knee high boots from a regular store instead of having to have them made or bought from “big girls” shops.

 

So a bit of a mixed bag there. There are some positives though. I was reminded by one of my lovely training partners last night, that we have been at this since the beginning of December. It hasn’t just been 8 weeks. Whilst I may have had an occasional slip up, I have always got straight back on track. I honestly think this is the longest I have ever consciously done anything to improve my health and I’m proud of that. I have no intention of giving up. Ever. I have a long way to go to get to my weight loss goals, but I have a firm belief that I will get there. This program isn’t a “quick fix” (although there are definitely people who lose weight on it a lot faster than I have.) It is however something I believe I can sustain for as long as I need to lose weight, and then incorporate into a regular healthy life.

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A New Kind of Fear

I’ve noticed a bit of a shift in myself lately and I’m not sure it’s a good thing. I’m finding that I am afraid of stepping out of my new routine. When a friend suggests catching up for lunch or dinner I try to make excuses to avoid it as I’m not sure I’ll be able to work out how many calories are in the food I’ll eat even if I think I’m making a healthy choice. Why can’t menus give you a calorie breakdown? (menus at cafes and restaurants I mean not fast food takeaways). I don’t want to become a social pariah and food is a big part of my social activities so I need to find a healthy way to deal with it. One off big social events where I know its going to be a big calorie meal, but I have advanced warning for I’m not so scared of. It’s the regular lunch out or spontaneous get togethers I cant plan for that worry me.

Today I bit the bullet and agreed to go to lunch. I picked the healthiest thing on the menu – a grilled chicken and avocado salad. I actually felt like a change from water so ordered a diet coke to go with it. Having MyFitnessPal on my phone was handy… except I wasnt sure which version of chicken and avocado salad to use.. and most of them referred to “one serve” and I have no idea how big “one serve” is. So I picked one at a happy medium since there was no pesto or anything involved and took it to be around 269 cals.

When the salad arrived it looked massive! I was full just by looking at it. I wasnt terribly hungry anyway as just before going to lunch we had done 2km of walking along the soft sand on the beach (killer on the calves) and I was too tired to be hungry. I looked at the chicken and tried to work out how much it would weigh. There wasnt much avocado in it so I wasnt too worried about that but then I tasted it and found a dressing mixed through the salad underneath and that almost sent me into a panic. What did they use in the dressing? Was it full of sugar? These are not normal thoughts for me and I don’t like the feeling that came with them. I calmed myself down and tried to put my well educated taste buds to good work (I’ve eaten a LOT of different foods over my life. Surely I can pick out what’s in here!) Once I stopped freaking out I did realise it was a simple balsamic dressing and nothing worth stressing over. Yes I know I could have asked the chef what was in it but I would have felt like a fool. Fat chick wondering how much sugar is in a salad dressing that would have looked great… not. (yes I still have a LOT of work to do in relation to not worrying what other people think of me.) In the end I only ate half the salad and thought I was full. Now I’m home and starting to feel hungry again… but I do’nt really know how many calories I ate so don’t know how many I have left to play with today.

Similar fears are coming up with exercise too. I’m not paranoid about the numbers (didn’t have HRM on during beach walk today so no idea how many calories I burned), but I’m kind of scared about taking a rest day. My body is screaming at me for one – especially my legs. I have exercised every day since the end of December. I tried to take a rest day last Monday but by the afternoon just felt I HAD to do something so did an upper body circuit. At least I rested the legs I guess. I think my fear isn’t really about taking a rest day, it’s that I am afraid that if I stop exercising even for one day I wont get back into it. Don’t get me wrong – its not like I’m spending hours every day exercising or anything. Most days it’s only 1hr or a little longer. Today was only 30min of soft sand walking (felt like twice as long – but I still think I need to do more today). My legs are really starting to complain though. Driving home from the beach my calves threatened to cramp up every time I depressed the clutch. I know I need a rest day. I’m going to try and put my fear aside and take one tomorrow. (Friday). I’m hoping that the fact that I have bootcamp on Saturday and a pre arranged Bay Walk on Sunday means that the rest day wont extend to any longer than one day. I also hope I can get through the day without feeling guilty about not doing anything. Maybe Ill just concentrate on stretches all day so I’ll feel like I’ve done something but in reality wont have.

I’m not sure what’s going on with my head. I’ve never felt like this before. Hell I used to have rest days every day and eat whatever I damn well felt like without worrying about how many calories are in it. I want to have a normal relationship with food. I don’t want to rely on it to stabilise my emotional state, but I don’t want to be afraid of it either. I’m really hoping this side of things settles down as the program wears on, or that by facing these fears, one day at a time I can get over them.

Achieving Goals

I have been really good since I signed up at limiting myself to getting on the scales one day a week. Weigh in Wednesdays and that’s it. I used to get on them every day and it played with my head space badly – I’d eat well for a day get on them the next day and have put on a bit (even 100g) and I’d think “why bother” and eat crap.

At last week’s weigh in though, I was soooooo close to my end of preseason goal! 200g. I really wanted to see if I could get there before preseason starts on Monday. So today I allowed myself a little sneaky weigh in. Not to see how much I have lost since I last stepped on the scales, but to see if I could get to that magic 95.0kg. Well guess what? I DID IT! I was SOOO happy to get on the scales and see 94.6 I did a little happy dance in the bathroom.

Funny thing is it’s not about the numbers lost. My preseason goal was not a huge number. I’d deliberately set it at something I thought I could achieve, but that I would have to work to achieve because of the Christmas / New Year party season. Plus summer in general just seems so social. What made me happy was that I had set myself a goal and that I’d achieved it, AND I achieved it in less time than I thought I would. I feel great because I achieved a goal, not because I’ve dropped a few kilos. This is new for me. I don’t usually do goal setting – especially time based goals. The downside of that is that I didn’t know how great it feels to actually achieve those goals. The first time I felt it was probably when I completed the 30km challenge in week 3 of the warm up. But that was a goal someone else had set so in a way todays little victory was different. It was all me and it felt AWESOME!

We also built in a couple of jogging spurts into the Bay Walk this morning. Whilst I didn’t manage to jog all of the big bridge (total length 468m) I did start jogging again after resting the middle 3rd so I probably jogged 2/3 of it. Not much when you look at the numbers but more than I have ever done before. I also jogged the whole of the pedestrian bridge further round and finished the walk with another short jog. The last 2 were hard to start as my legs were aching but I did them! It wont be long and I will be able to jog that whole Ironcove bridge! For someone who even as a kid (when I was fit) hated running that is going to be a massive achievement.

I’m looking forward to many more of these little victories on the way.