Figuring out the why

Well today is Weigh In Wednesday… or as it has been rebranded – Weekly Checkpoint Wednesday. I’m not jumping with joy today although I probably should be. I lost 300gms. The number itself is not jumpworthy but the fact I lost anything at all given the week I have had food wise probably is. But I’m not jumping. I’m disappointed in myself. I have eaten myself stupid this week. Not just at the 3 social events I’ve had where I ate (and drank) way more than I needed to either. What most disappoints me is what is happening at home. Boredom and unpreparedness are my worst enemies. Monday I had a morning with Nanna which is never fun. Stupid thing was I thought it was Tuesday morning that i had her, so when the reminder went off in my phone for her appointment it threw me totally out of sorts. I did grab a healthy breakfast before i ran out the door but that was it. My laziness over the weekend also meant I hadn’t done the weekly shopping, so after finishing with Nanna I stopped off at Coles on my way home… but by then I was hungry. I should NEVER shop when I’m hungry. Especially when i have been craving crap, namely red rock deli chips, for days. Result was I detoured down the crap aisle and specifically bought chips… AND chocolate. Then I ate the bloody chips in the car on the way home. The whole large bag! To top that off when i got home, instead of making myself a healthy lunch i ate an entire block of chocolate. I can’t even blame TTOM! It’s total self sabotage. 1800 cals of self sabotage. That was the “lunch” my body was supposed to draw the nutrients it needs to fuel me for the afternoon from.

Now my body is an absolutely amazing machine. Tuesday night I went for a run. My body, fuelled by total rubbish, ran 9.3km in 1hr and 4 min including running up stairs and some decent hills. My body is a miracle. I am in awe of it. 9.3km!

That run felt FANTASTIC. Even whilst I was doing it! Well ok it was mainly the last 1km which was downhill which felt fantastic but still it felt right. Feeding my face chips and chocolate did not feel right. It felt wrong. Why then did I do it? Why is it that sitting here now writing this post I want to do it again? Why 8 months into this journey have I not learned this lesson?

I need to figure out the why. I need to start being totally honest. The nutrition slippage hasn’t just happened. It’s been going on for a while now. It’s been pretty bad almost constantly since my birthday. (result being I am only 200g lighter than I was 3 weeks ago).  The only reason my weight isn’t up I think is because I seem to have found my running mojo. I need to control the food. I have a sneaking suspicion that all the compliments I have been receiving lately may have something to do with it. My family and friends have really started to notice the loss and are telling me I look great. They are telling me they are PROUD of me. Is that it? Do I not think I deserve pride and praise? Am I self sabotaging to prove them wrong? I mean I’ve been proud of myself. I guess though, the pride I have found in myself has not been about the weight loss. I have been proud of achieving distances or times in my runs. I have been proud of finishing challenges I thought impossible. The weightloss though doesn’t feel like an achievement. In all honesty I sometimes feel guilty about it. It’s been easy. Shit now I’ve said it out loud I realise there is a lot of guilt associated with that. Weightloss is not meant to be easy right? If it was easy I should have done it years ago… or never let myself become a 98kg 156cm blimp in the first place. But really doing the 12WBT the weightloss part is easy. Follow the program (food + exercise) and the weight comes off. Simple. But yet not so simple. My head is my biggest enemy.

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I need to convince myself that I am worthy of praise. Worthy of people’s faith in me. I need to believe it is ok not to be invisible (note to self write blog on invisibility). I need to learn how to live in this new slimmer but still far from slim body. I need to value what it can do enough to fuel it right. I know this in the logical part of my brain, but obviously there is another part of me that is still struggling with these concepts or else I would not be eating enough to fuel a Romanian weight lifting team! I feel like I am letting people down. The amazing pink ladies (12WBT inner westies) who on a daily basis inspire me with their amazing achievements. I present this front to them. I pretend I am in control. That I’m smashing goals. But I’m not. I’m stuffing my face. I’m lying to them and to myself. My family who are so proud. My friends who show so much faith in me and who bought me such thoughtful gifts for my birthday for this new body. I am letting them all down. But mostly i am letting myself down. I just don’t know how to stop… and I’m SCARED, I’m so scared I will go back to that fat unhappy blob. I don’t want to do that. I want to be the fit, healthy PJ everyone else thinks I am becoming. I just need to fix my head

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*Edit: Sorry if this post is rambling. I find just putting thoughts on paper can sometimes help me.

I’m living in the 70’s!!!

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Turn on the Lava Lamp, it’s time to ditch the leg warmers and pull on the psychedelic  flairs, kicking the 80s to the kerb. In the words of Skyhooks I’m Livin in the 70’s!!! The stalled weight loss of the last few weeks is a thing of the past. The last few weeks I’ve been knocking on the door of the 80kg benchmark, and this morning I smashed right through it! 1.6kg loss for the week  means the weight is starting to shift again and I’m oh so happy! The 100g loss of last week did play with my head a bit, but thankfully not enough to bring on a binge. Quite the opposite actually. I was tempted to under eat, but that doesn’t work either. It was a tough time but I reached out and got some fabulous support and a reminder of how far I have come. So I’ve committed (publicly) to eating every single one of my calories every single day. I’ve also started taking a magnesium supplement as I seem to have a permanent case of DOMS the last few weeks which is making everything seem hard. They seem to be working and I’m looking forward to smashing out some more calories tonight at kimax. Have a great week everyone!

 

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Smashing Milestones

It’s funny how we get fixated on numbers and attach such significance to them. eg $19.99 sounds so much better than $20. It’s the same with weight loss. I would love to get to 80kg by the end of this round but if I can get to 79.9 I will be over the moon. Just cause it starts with a 7… even though there is no real difference. Last week I was sitting at 9.4kg lost since I started this journey in Warm Up. I don’t remember every having lost 10kg in a chunk before (I know I’ve lost and gained it several times over in smaller bits). I really really wanted to get to that 10kg lost, but I also found that I was trying to sabotage myself all week, perhaps trying to subconsciously give myself an excuse in case I didn’t get there, or maybe trying to prove to myself that I couldn’t get there.

I’m not quite sure what it was. I know I missed training on 3 days – and 2 of those days were cardio days… the worst possible days to miss for quick weight loss. I struggled daily with “cravings” for crap. Thanks to the things I’m learning on the 12WBT program though and the support network I have gained from it, I managed to stick to my 1200 calories a day. Yes I admit on a couple of those days some of my snack calories were taken up with chocolate, but I made sure that the chocolate was not eaten until at the end of the day and only if there were calories left over, even if I’d been wanting it since breakfast. I did try distracting myself by doing the dishes after dinner etc and only having it if I still wanted it after everything was cleaned up. Some days it worked, others it didn’t. But at least I didn’t gorge on it. 1 or 2 small pieces only (got to love a Lindt ball for controlling portion sizes but still satisfying the cravings.) On the days I did manage to train I trained hard, so I was pleased with that.

It was therefore with mixed emotions that I got on the scales this morning. The bathroom happy dance was on again when I saw I’d dropped 1.3kg! That brings the total to 10.7kg since warm up and 5.5 since the round started. It’s also 1/3 of the way to where I want to be by the end of the year. I didn’t only reach that 10kg milestone I smashed through it! It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders (as well as my gut, butt etc wink ) Now that the 10kg is gone the pressure is off. I WANTED to train. For the first time in a week I don’t want junk food.

I celebrated this win by doing the baywalk. I had no intentions of running any of it. I just wanted to walk it at a really good pace. I met up with a friend and we power walked around it. I really don’t think I could have moved my legs any faster at a walk. At a couple of points I felt so good I HAD to run. Me… who has always hated running. I even sprinted the last little bit to where we parked the car. I still can’t run for long, but I actually found myself enjoying the little short bursts. Once I can get my breathing sorted so that the air goes all the way into my lungs instead of feeling like there is a blockage at the top of my chest (same reason I struggle to drink during a hard training session) I know I will be running much further. I downloaded the 4km running program Mish suggested for the Mothers Day Classic and I’m going to take that with me when I go overseas as my training program. I figure I should be able to do that anywhere and fit it in around sight seeing. Having looked at it, I’m not quite up to the week 1 level yet (1km tempo runs + sprints + 1.5km long run!) but it gives me something to work towards and will hopefully keep me motivated while I’m away.

I fully expect these demons to raise their ugly heads again at my next milestone weight… it could be when i’m close to weighing 80kg, or it might be when I’m close to the 20kg loss mark… or even the 15 (although I’m more a round numbers girl) or it could be at all of those. Thing is, I know what to expect now, and I know (with a little help) I can get through it and achieve what I set out to. Those goals don’t seem unrealistic anymore grin