Last week I jumped on the stage at the stupidly early 5am… I was up 200gms. Not happy Jan but a good wake up call re a couple of bad habits that had been sneaking back in. Just as an experiment I jumped on the scales the next day at the more reasonable hour of 8am (no early training for me on Thursdays) and I was actually down. I took the Wednesday weight as official though.
On Saturday my knee gave out during bootcamp. I’ve been getting pain in it more and more frequently so finally decided to bite the bullet and see a physio. I managed to get an appointment later saturday morning which was fantastic. The result of seeing the physio though isn’t so hot – apparently i have “runners knee”. Me. Who always used to say I hated running, who has only just started loving it, is now not allowed to run at all. Me that used to be a couch potato now has a sports injury! I had to laugh, although I do admit some tears were shed when I was told no running at all for at least 2 weeks…. although that might have had something to do with the physios thumb being pressed into my ITB at the time. No one ever told me physio HURTS! So anyway turns out my ITB is stupidly tight (readers be warned – do NOT put off your stretches. Do them DAILY!) and as a result my knee is now inflamed which is why I have a grinding sensation and pain after running. I’m not allowed to run, squat, lunge, cycle, swim breaststroke, do stairs or basically anything where there is load bearing on the bent knee. This seriously impacts my regular training! I’m determined to not let it beat me though. I’ve been walking at least an hour every day since I was told no running. I switched my regular outdoor toning session yesterday for a Kimax class and just modified the things I couldn’t do – while the class was doing squats, I did pushups, instead of kneeing the bag, I kneed the air, I walked instead of ran the warm up. It did mean I burned fewer calories than normal, but at least I got to do something FUN! I’m Kimaxing again tonight and tomorrow instead of pump class I’m going to a stroke correction swim class. I have been told the knee should be ok for the RAW Challenge as long as I follow instructions and no running between now and then. I really want to do RAW and follow it up with the 10km in Melbourne 2 weeks later so I am being a good girl and doing as I am told. Not easy though.
I also emailed the 12WBT support team as the injury means i can’t complete my fitness test for Week 4, and they offered some great advice and support for keeping on track and modifying my exercise program. It really is great to be signed up to a program where I don’t feel like just another number and where they show genuine interest in you
Which brings me to this morning’s weigh in. 1.6kgs down from last Wednesday. HAPPY DAYS! It also brings up over 25kgs lost since I started this journey. This last 5 have been a very slow process so it feels really good to be ticking off that accomplishment. It means I can focus on the next one (getting into the 60s). I’m hoping to do that in the next 5 – 6 weeks. Wish me luck… ohhh news just in… just checked and I AM NO LONGER OBESE!!! Take that crappy BMI!!!! I may be “overweight” but I have moved from Severely Obese, through Obese and am now merely “overweight”. Doing the happy dance right now!!!
Down 700g for this week. Better than last week. It did teach me not to do sneaky mid week weigh ins though.. I was down a whole kilo as of Sunday and did nothing “wrong” between then and today to warrant the increase of 300g. 700g for a week like this is good though. Nutrition is still not 100%. I think I hit the worst of it on the weekend though. Friday run club which I normally LOVE, I ended up in tears. We were doing hill runs which are never easy, but when you’ve filled your body with crap for weeks leading up to them they are downright horrendous. I’m a stubborn cow though, so I kept pushing myself. Could hardly breathe (to the point where people asked me if i was asthmatic), wanted to throw up but was so damned mad at myself I just kept pushing. The girls were amazing though. I truly am blessed to have so much support around me. Coach took me aside for a bit of a chat and kept checking in with me all day. Result: first crap free day all week.
Saturday I was determined to bang out a real super session. I did bootcamp in the morning as usual, then got the shopping done and headed out to Homebush to meet up with a friend to try and complete a 10km run. By the time we started it was 11am and Sydney had turned on an absolute pearler of a day. Bright blue skies and warm sunshine…. about 1km in I was cursing that sunshine. It felt HOT! No shade out there, but the lovely Kate had mapped out a nice flat route for my first 10km. I couldn’t let her down. It wasn’t fast (1hr 13min) and it defintely wasn’t pretty… and I fought with myself the whole way around but it got DONE! 10.3km non stop. A personal record for me. Thank goodness Kate accepts that i’m a little crazy and didnt freak out when I started yelling at my legs (body was doing that thing where it works a pain around the body… shin splints, stitch, shoulder pain etc which was fine, until it went back to shin splints and I dedided that doubling back was against the rules). Not did it phase her when i started chanting “I can do this” in time with our footfalls outloud to try and quiet the voice in my head that was telling me I was too fat/old/unfit etc to do this. I must say that that is the most negative my head has ever been during a run. It’s scary. Thankfully the out loud chanting and the support of my wonderful running partner got me through it. There was no runners high at the end of that run (at least not for me – Kate on the other hand was flying high after running way slower than she usually would so I could keep up) but I was really pleased that I won the mental battle and got it done. I followed it up on Monday with another 9km + run near home. Legs were aching and I didnt manage to run the steep hill after the stairs that time but I did run the rest and theres no shame in walking 120m up a 45′ gradient 8km in. I did manage all 75 burpees and 150 lunges (75 each leg) at the end of the toning session last night so its no wonder my legs are dead today.
Food the rest of the week has been pretty good until today. I broke down and ate chocolate in spite of my pledge to stay off it completely for this week. No real reason just an “I want it” and couldn’t be bothered fighting the impulse for too long. Not going to beat myself up though. Tonight its off to Kimax and I’ll beat up the boxing bag instead. Also gives my legs a little bit of a break as I’m not going to do a run today (other than running around in class).
So the week isn’t perfect but it’s not that bad and the scales are still moving in the right direction. Hopefully things just keep getting better from here
Well today is Weigh In Wednesday… or as it has been rebranded – Weekly Checkpoint Wednesday. I’m not jumping with joy today although I probably should be. I lost 300gms. The number itself is not jumpworthy but the fact I lost anything at all given the week I have had food wise probably is. But I’m not jumping. I’m disappointed in myself. I have eaten myself stupid this week. Not just at the 3 social events I’ve had where I ate (and drank) way more than I needed to either. What most disappoints me is what is happening at home. Boredom and unpreparedness are my worst enemies. Monday I had a morning with Nanna which is never fun. Stupid thing was I thought it was Tuesday morning that i had her, so when the reminder went off in my phone for her appointment it threw me totally out of sorts. I did grab a healthy breakfast before i ran out the door but that was it. My laziness over the weekend also meant I hadn’t done the weekly shopping, so after finishing with Nanna I stopped off at Coles on my way home… but by then I was hungry. I should NEVER shop when I’m hungry. Especially when i have been craving crap, namely red rock deli chips, for days. Result was I detoured down the crap aisle and specifically bought chips… AND chocolate. Then I ate the bloody chips in the car on the way home. The whole large bag! To top that off when i got home, instead of making myself a healthy lunch i ate an entire block of chocolate. I can’t even blame TTOM! It’s total self sabotage. 1800 cals of self sabotage. That was the “lunch” my body was supposed to draw the nutrients it needs to fuel me for the afternoon from.
Now my body is an absolutely amazing machine. Tuesday night I went for a run. My body, fuelled by total rubbish, ran 9.3km in 1hr and 4 min including running up stairs and some decent hills. My body is a miracle. I am in awe of it.
That run felt FANTASTIC. Even whilst I was doing it! Well ok it was mainly the last 1km which was downhill which felt fantastic but still it felt right. Feeding my face chips and chocolate did not feel right. It felt wrong. Why then did I do it? Why is it that sitting here now writing this post I want to do it again? Why 8 months into this journey have I not learned this lesson?
I need to figure out the why. I need to start being totally honest. The nutrition slippage hasn’t just happened. It’s been going on for a while now. It’s been pretty bad almost constantly since my birthday. (result being I am only 200g lighter than I was 3 weeks ago). The only reason my weight isn’t up I think is because I seem to have found my running mojo. I need to control the food. I have a sneaking suspicion that all the compliments I have been receiving lately may have something to do with it. My family and friends have really started to notice the loss and are telling me I look great. They are telling me they are PROUD of me. Is that it? Do I not think I deserve pride and praise? Am I self sabotaging to prove them wrong? I mean I’ve been proud of myself. I guess though, the pride I have found in myself has not been about the weight loss. I have been proud of achieving distances or times in my runs. I have been proud of finishing challenges I thought impossible. The weightloss though doesn’t feel like an achievement. In all honesty I sometimes feel guilty about it. It’s been easy. Shit now I’ve said it out loud I realise there is a lot of guilt associated with that. Weightloss is not meant to be easy right? If it was easy I should have done it years ago… or never let myself become a 98kg 156cm blimp in the first place. But really doing the 12WBT the weightloss part is easy. Follow the program (food + exercise) and the weight comes off. Simple. But yet not so simple. My head is my biggest enemy.
I need to convince myself that I am worthy of praise. Worthy of people’s faith in me. I need to believe it is ok not to be invisible (note to self write blog on invisibility). I need to learn how to live in this new slimmer but still far from slim body. I need to value what it can do enough to fuel it right. I know this in the logical part of my brain, but obviously there is another part of me that is still struggling with these concepts or else I would not be eating enough to fuel a Romanian weight lifting team! I feel like I am letting people down. The amazing pink ladies (12WBT inner westies) who on a daily basis inspire me with their amazing achievements. I present this front to them. I pretend I am in control. That I’m smashing goals. But I’m not. I’m stuffing my face. I’m lying to them and to myself. My family who are so proud. My friends who show so much faith in me and who bought me such thoughtful gifts for my birthday for this new body. I am letting them all down. But mostly i am letting myself down. I just don’t know how to stop… and I’m SCARED, I’m so scared I will go back to that fat unhappy blob. I don’t want to do that. I want to be the fit, healthy PJ everyone else thinks I am becoming. I just need to fix my head
*Edit: Sorry if this post is rambling. I find just putting thoughts on paper can sometimes help me.
Wednesday’s weigh in was another pleasant surprise. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly my body responds to eating well and moving more. Down 1kg in only a couple of days! That puts me at only 100gm more than I weighed on the morning of my birthday and given the amount of calories consumed since then I’m really pleased!
What is not so pleasing is the pain I am in. I didn’t think I had upped the exercise ante that much but, I have bad DOMS for the first time in months! Run club this morning was agony. I hope my fellow runners didnt find me rude – I was so busy talking to myself to get through it that I ignored everyone around me. After running I went for a nice long walk with a friend. We took the pace nice and easy – 2 hours for 11km but it hasn’t helped. I’m not sure what the people behind me thought as I limped down the stairs! This week’s exercise has consisted of:
Monday: 11.3km walk
Tuesday: Outdoor toning session with lunge walks, squat jumps and what felt like a million pushups
Wednesday: 7.4km run followed by about 600m walking and another 1km running. Granted this was the furthest I’d ever run in one session but previously had run 7.3 so not a big difference. A couple of extra hills (not steep) in this route
Thursday: nothing (partly due to extra hours at work partly due to being in agony and making excuses.
Friday: approx 5.3km run in run club (done in loops of just around 1km with rest breaks in between) and later a slow 11km walk.
So really nothing out of the ordinary to explain the quad and calf pain. I know it’s not serious, and I know it wont last much longer. It’s just funny having to ease myself down onto the toilet again after so long! Good to know I can still push myself beyond my previous capabilities.
Some days you just don’t feel like it. This has been a crap week as far as I’m concerned. I caught some stupid bug and spent days laying on the couch doing nothing… oh except eating. Chocolate and carbs were my weapons of choice in this self sabotaging, comfort food craving misery wallowing week. To “make up for it” I didn’t eat much of anything else at all. Really great way to help your body fight infection and recover quickly – NOT. Anyway I dragged my sorry, somewhat flabbier butt back to work on Friday and ended up having to walk about 10km around town. At least it was a start. Saturday, as much as I really wanted to stay in bed, I forced myself to go to bootcamp. Really you can only wallow so long right? I did take it a little easy (sprints brought on coughing fits) but at least I did the session. Struggled yes, (seriously it’s ridiculous how much strength you can lose in a week!) but at least i did it. Getting through bootcamp also helped me keep my food on track a little better on Saturday too.
Now I hadn’t really done a run all week. According to my Asics training plan (http://my.asics.com.au) I was meant to do 2 x 5km runs this week to keep up with my training for the 10km in October. I’d piked on Wednesdays one due to illness (probably could have run but I was using every excuse under the sun) so I thought I really HAD to do todays. I procrastinated all morning (seriously i was prioritising housework over running and I HATE housework!) but eventually I won the argument and headed down to the bay. Running did NOT feel good. I bargained with myself though and said i could take it slow and stop after 5km if i wanted to but i just had to run that first 5km. I use the Endomondo app on my phone to track my distance and splits as I haven’t forked out the $$$ for a GPS heart rate monitor yet. Every 1km it tells me how I’m going pace wise etc. I wasn’t really listening to it today, but was just mentally checking off the kms whenever I heard the voice emanating from my arm and just continuing the internal argument about getting to 5km. Now i don’t know whether to love or hate my app. I heard the 1km, 2km, 3km, and 4km check ins. But I didn’t hear the 5km one. I know roughly where 5km is on my route but I’d promised myself i would not stop running until I heard the marker. It was a conspiracy I swear as there was no 5km call. So I kept running. I can’t see thephone when I’m running as I wear it on my upper arm, and I wanted to have an exact distance and time to enter into my training program so without the marker there was no real option to stop. I did hear the 6km one, but by then I was almost finished and really when there is only 1km to go and you’ve made it 1km further than you’d planned you can’t stop! So i just kept running. Felt like rubbish and didn’t do my usual print finish, but did try to pick up the pace a little.
End result was I finished the bay in 49:37. A new PB by 37sec and my first time under 50 minutes! When I ran the bay for the first time a month or 2 ago 9in about 58min) i dreamed of getting under 50 min and hoped to do it by the end of the year, and hear I was smashing that goal! My head was spinning and I wanted to throw up but I’m absolutely thrilled with the time.
Just goes to show, that sometimes when you just aren’t feeling it, your body surprises you and you get great results 🙂
Stuffed but elated after the run
Last week I was a bit down about stalled weight loss and no changes on the tape measure. On the weekend though I met up with some of the fabulous Inner Westie crew to do our fitness tests. The day did not start well… our regular 1km route was waterlogged so we had to find an alternative. Once we’d sorted that out (what did we do before smart phones with GPS apps???) we were ready to go. I was feeling good all dressed up in my brand new workout gear picked up at the Aldi sale (I figure it wont fit for long so why spend a lot of $$$?). Big mistake. As the pants started to slip down over my (still voluptuous) rear end within the first 10m and the shirt proceeded to ride up, I realised the folly of doing a fitness test in untested gear. I did attempt to run whilst holding them up in order to save the people behind me from a horrendous surprise, but I am not that talented. I had to abort the run and walked back to pick up everyone elses gear and meet them at the finish line. I was so thrilled to hear all their times as everyone had done a PB, but I did lament what might have been. The girls I usually run around the same pace as had done sub 6min or just a few sec over. My previous time was 6:27. If i had worn old trusted clothes I might have gone close to 6 min!
Oh well. We moved on to the rest of the test which thankfully I could complete without being arrested for indecent exposure. I was totally thrilled with my results: – an extra push up on my toes and an extra 10 on my knees, an extra 21 sec on my wall sit, and an extra 25 sec on my plank. I even managed to squeeze out an extra cm on my stretch test. Happy days! Add to that the PB I had done running the Bay the day before (52:16 for 7km YEAH BABY!) and I was back to feeling fantastic about how far I’ve come.
Monday I woke up not feeling fab. I skipped the early morning spin class and went for an 8km walk with a friend instead. Even that had me breathing hard. I needed to do that 1km time trial though, so after the walk when i was nice and warm I headed back to the park. As I was walking to the start point I realised I had never before run 1km non stop on my own. It really started playing with my head. I did try telling myself “well this will be the first time” but I wasn’t feeling confident. Confidence fell further as I started to run. By 300m I could hardly breathe. Every step hurt. I wasn’t sure I would be able to complete it. I made a pact with myself though that I would at least get to the car which was roughly half way and that if I needed to stop then i would and come back when I felt better (and had company). I wasn’t quite dead at 500m though and I really wanted to just get it over with and break the solo running hoodoo so I kept going. I didn’t have much left at the end to sprint like I usually do but I gave it everything I had. When I finished I hit the pause on the timer/HRM and collapsed on a bench struggling to breathe. I couldn’t even focus enough to see my time. Eventually though I recovered enough to see straight on OMG what a sight to see! 6:03!!! A 24 sec PB… ON MY OWN! Absolutely THRILLED with that!
I was riding on that high all day even though the flu hit me like a ton of bricks a couple of hours later. Somewhere in my delirium I also thought it might be a good idea to sign up for the 10km run in the Melbourne Marathon festival in October. A bunch of Inner Westies had done the GC at various differences (including some marathons!) and I was inspired by them and wanted to experience something like that (including the post run celebrations) for myself… plus there was the lure of a nice shiny medal… for a sport! I’ve never achieved anything sportswise before so that was pretty powerful. SO Ive done it. I’m registered in the 10km. At the moment I’m aiming to finish it in 1hr 20 min. Yes its slow but 8min kms over 10ks seems achievable. faster doesnt. The Asics training program seems to think I can do it in 1hr 4 min. Thankfully there is no maximum time for the course. I’ll just get overtaken by other runners from other distances. I’m used to that 🙂
With the flu knocking me for 6 I wasn’t holding out much hope for this mornings weigh in. I ate a ton over the weekend and haven’t been able to train since that 1km run. Hardly enough to counteract the damage. I was totally shocked then to jump on the scales and see I’d lost 800g. That OFFICIALLY means I’ve lost over 20kgs. YES!!!!! At last! Been knocking on the door for a few weeks so very happy to finally break that barrier 🙂 That’s also about half way to what I need to lose. Now to work on the next 5. Somehow goals just don’t seem impossible anymore
I have a massive social weekend this weekend. Everywhere I look there are red flags, not just red flags either these are gigantic red brick walls. Family dinner Friday night, Christmas in July (with all the trimmings and no doubt loads of wine) Saturday night, Middle Eastern banquet brunch on Sunday, and then the VIP Marquee food buffet at Cavalia on Sunday afternoon. That’s what happens when you work every second weekend – the weekends off are absolutely crammed full. I could have declined some invitations, but really I didn’t want to, and it was a momentary lapse of access to a calendar that meant I had them all on the same weekend. But as I keep saying, you can’t have a lifestyle change without having a life. This is my life. I LOVE food. I love socialising over food with my friends. I also love the changes that are happening to my body as a result of the 12WBT. The trick is to successfully combine the two.
Given the excessive nature of the weekend, I’m not expecting anything great on the scales next week (especially since their lacklustre response to my eat clean train mean week the week before!) I am however determined to not have a gain. To that end I’ve been training hard and eating super clean the rest of the time. Funny thing about training – the first half of the week things are great. I feel good I can train hard. I had that absolutely fantastic Kimax session on Wednesday night. Come Thursdays though I seem to hit a wall. I feel sorry for my bootcamp trainer who had to put up with my constant moaning on Thursday night. Friday morning’s run club was a nightmare. After 3 loops of just over 1km each loop (and a rest between each loop) I was ready to throw up and feeling dizzy. I mean really! I can run 7km FFS, 3 should have been easy! I opted out of the last loop – something I have NEVER done at run club. Saturday morning’s bootcamp was just as hard, luckily there was a lot of boxing which I love but I even struggled with that. 590 cals for bootcamp this morning. Sometimes I’d let myself off with that. Not this weekend though. With all those events I had to do my SSS, so after fighting the crowds at Aldi for new gym gear, and stocking up on fresh fruit and veggies at the markets, I met a couple of other Pink Ladies and tackled the Bay.
Now I know running 7km after a bootcamp session is always going to be hard for me. But it seems every time I run the bay it gets harder. First time, it was unexpected and I was so excited by what I was doing it felt easy. 2nd time was with the run club at 6am on a cold wet morning, I didnt start to feel it until around the 5km mark. 3rd time was the following day and after bootcamp and in the rain so I didn’t expect it to be easy but it started off painful, loosened up in the middle and then hurt again around 5-6km. Today was stupid. Breathing never really got under control from the get go. The girls were setting a good pace but it didn’t feel too fast – just fast enough to push ourselves a bit. Well until we got to the top of the hill and I could hardly breathe, then at the 4.5km mark I got a stitch, right in the top of my ribcage. Agony. I couldn’t stop though. The girls were awesome! They slowed the pace down a bit to try and help me get my breathing sorted so I could try to breathe through the stitch. I just kept setting little mini goals – just to the end of the bridge, just to the cafe, just to the rowing club, almost home don’t stop – that sort of thing. My (now) trademark big finish was sadly lacking but I did manage to pick the pace up slightly for the last couple of hundred meters. I’ve never been so glad to see the end! I was even happier to see our time – 52min 16 sec! That’s a PB by around 5 min! I’m sure if it wasn’t for that stitch we would have gone close to a sub 50! Something to aim for in the future I guess. If the girls hadn’t been with me pushing me, encouraging me and supporting me I would have stopped when I got that stitch. They’ve both said they wouldn’t have run the whole thing without the rest of us being there either. Together though we are unstoppable and I am so ridiculously proud of all of us 🙂 Not proud of my calorie burn though – only 456! It felt so hard I thought I deserved closer to 600. Oh well it is what it is and it does take my burn for the day to 1050 and THAT is a good number 🙂
So that’s how I’m trying to make my new life work. I’m not giving up the things I love, but I’m finding new things I love (like running – even when it hurts I feel AWESOME after its done) and I’m using the exercise to balance off the indulgences. It may not be perfect and it will no doubt slow down my weight loss results, but for me this is a marathon not a sprint… and I’m damn well not stopping until I cross that finish line! (even then I think I’ll just keep running 🙂 )