Figuring out the why

Well today is Weigh In Wednesday… or as it has been rebranded – Weekly Checkpoint Wednesday. I’m not jumping with joy today although I probably should be. I lost 300gms. The number itself is not jumpworthy but the fact I lost anything at all given the week I have had food wise probably is. But I’m not jumping. I’m disappointed in myself. I have eaten myself stupid this week. Not just at the 3 social events I’ve had where I ate (and drank) way more than I needed to either. What most disappoints me is what is happening at home. Boredom and unpreparedness are my worst enemies. Monday I had a morning with Nanna which is never fun. Stupid thing was I thought it was Tuesday morning that i had her, so when the reminder went off in my phone for her appointment it threw me totally out of sorts. I did grab a healthy breakfast before i ran out the door but that was it. My laziness over the weekend also meant I hadn’t done the weekly shopping, so after finishing with Nanna I stopped off at Coles on my way home… but by then I was hungry. I should NEVER shop when I’m hungry. Especially when i have been craving crap, namely red rock deli chips, for days. Result was I detoured down the crap aisle and specifically bought chips… AND chocolate. Then I ate the bloody chips in the car on the way home. The whole large bag! To top that off when i got home, instead of making myself a healthy lunch i ate an entire block of chocolate. I can’t even blame TTOM! It’s total self sabotage. 1800 cals of self sabotage. That was the “lunch” my body was supposed to draw the nutrients it needs to fuel me for the afternoon from.

Now my body is an absolutely amazing machine. Tuesday night I went for a run. My body, fuelled by total rubbish, ran 9.3km in 1hr and 4 min including running up stairs and some decent hills. My body is a miracle. I am in awe of it. 9.3km!

That run felt FANTASTIC. Even whilst I was doing it! Well ok it was mainly the last 1km which was downhill which felt fantastic but still it felt right. Feeding my face chips and chocolate did not feel right. It felt wrong. Why then did I do it? Why is it that sitting here now writing this post I want to do it again? Why 8 months into this journey have I not learned this lesson?

I need to figure out the why. I need to start being totally honest. The nutrition slippage hasn’t just happened. It’s been going on for a while now. It’s been pretty bad almost constantly since my birthday. (result being I am only 200g lighter than I was 3 weeks ago).  The only reason my weight isn’t up I think is because I seem to have found my running mojo. I need to control the food. I have a sneaking suspicion that all the compliments I have been receiving lately may have something to do with it. My family and friends have really started to notice the loss and are telling me I look great. They are telling me they are PROUD of me. Is that it? Do I not think I deserve pride and praise? Am I self sabotaging to prove them wrong? I mean I’ve been proud of myself. I guess though, the pride I have found in myself has not been about the weight loss. I have been proud of achieving distances or times in my runs. I have been proud of finishing challenges I thought impossible. The weightloss though doesn’t feel like an achievement. In all honesty I sometimes feel guilty about it. It’s been easy. Shit now I’ve said it out loud I realise there is a lot of guilt associated with that. Weightloss is not meant to be easy right? If it was easy I should have done it years ago… or never let myself become a 98kg 156cm blimp in the first place. But really doing the 12WBT the weightloss part is easy. Follow the program (food + exercise) and the weight comes off. Simple. But yet not so simple. My head is my biggest enemy.

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I need to convince myself that I am worthy of praise. Worthy of people’s faith in me. I need to believe it is ok not to be invisible (note to self write blog on invisibility). I need to learn how to live in this new slimmer but still far from slim body. I need to value what it can do enough to fuel it right. I know this in the logical part of my brain, but obviously there is another part of me that is still struggling with these concepts or else I would not be eating enough to fuel a Romanian weight lifting team! I feel like I am letting people down. The amazing pink ladies (12WBT inner westies) who on a daily basis inspire me with their amazing achievements. I present this front to them. I pretend I am in control. That I’m smashing goals. But I’m not. I’m stuffing my face. I’m lying to them and to myself. My family who are so proud. My friends who show so much faith in me and who bought me such thoughtful gifts for my birthday for this new body. I am letting them all down. But mostly i am letting myself down. I just don’t know how to stop… and I’m SCARED, I’m so scared I will go back to that fat unhappy blob. I don’t want to do that. I want to be the fit, healthy PJ everyone else thinks I am becoming. I just need to fix my head

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*Edit: Sorry if this post is rambling. I find just putting thoughts on paper can sometimes help me.

Subconscious Self Sabotage

I’ve been thinking lately about my previous efforts to lose weight and I’ve noticed a few things. My biggest problem I think was that I always addressed food and exercise separately (either going on a diet OR exercising) and that I NEVER addressed the mental aspects of why I binge on junk, why I don’t exercise, why I allowed myself to build up this much fat and let my fitness fall to that of someone twice my age. I guess that’s what attracted me to the 12WBT program – it’s a total package. I also liked that instead of packaged meals it will teach me to cook healthy versions of foods I normally like to eat, and introduce me to some (hopefully) new favourites.

Then I started thinking specifically about exercise. I have always found diets much easier to stick to than exercise plans, and so I started thinking about what causes me to stop once I’ve started. What I realised shocked me. My body starts to try and sabotage my efforts! I’ve always known the mind was a powerful thing (have been known to be vomiting for a few days when there is something I am supposed to do but really don’t want to but medically there is nothing wrong with me) but this is ridiculous. Here I have been trying to do something good for my body, something I thought I wanted and yet my mind was somehow convincing my body to throw up road blocks. There’s a pattern too:

Week 1: utter exhaustion. Can’t wake up in the mornings. Seem to need to sleep 16 hours a day.
Week 2: blisters.
Week 3: Head cold symptoms.
Week 4: Hips ache
Week 5: random muscle cramps
Week 6: Knees hurt

I must admit the knees is a new one as I’ve never gotten this far through the cycle before. I’ve always given up at one of the previous road blocks. I think I’ve only been to Week 5 once before and that was when I’d paid for a group of PT sessions. The stupid thing about me giving up previously is that if I had just worked through each road block as it comes up instead of giving up, they actually go away. I still have occasional days where I need more sleep but its nothing like week 1. My blisters have almost completely healed. Headcold – gone. Hips and muscle cramps – barely a twinge this week.

It’s almost like my body is asking me “Do you really want to do this?”, “Are you sure you are ready?” and trying to give me an option to back out gracefully by blaming it on one of those factors instead of on myself (excuses anyone?). It’s tried doing it with food too – cravings for things I hardly ever eat normally but now think I MUST have.

So instead of looking at them as sabotage attempts, or road blocks, I’ve decided to look at them differently. They are tests- making me recommit to my goals every time a new one comes up. So far I’ve been passing with flying colours and I’m quite proud of myself for that smile They are also farewells. Each time one comes up I am saying goodbye to an excuse that used to hold me back. I’m not scared of them any more. I’m in awe of the power my mind has over my body, and am determined to harness that power and use it for good instead of harm (and hoping that if I can turn the conscious mind around the sub conscious will follow). I’m actually rather interested to see what it throws at me next… and how long it takes before it stops trying to test me and starts working with me.

You see this time I KNOW I’m going to make it all the way through. I know it because I can feel the fears associated with what my life will be like when the weight is gone – when I can no longer use my fat as an excuse for holding back in the rest of my life. Those fears are real but they aren’t debilitating, because right along side them is this optimism about the things I will be able to do.. and about the things I’ve already started to do. Each day the fear subsides just a little and the optimism burns just a little brighter. I am winning this war… and for me it is a war – with numerous battles against inner demons and a lifetime of bad habits. I have lost battles in the past but I have learned from them. I’m equipping myself with the right arsenal this time – fighting the battles simultaneously on all fronts so that dreaded mental stuff can’t outflank and do a sneak attack on me. Most importantly I’m getting myself the right support troops:
– The fabulous people I’ve met on these forums and in the facebook groups that I know I can lean on when necessary and that I hope know they can lean on me too.
– The inspiring people I’ve met in person who have done previous rounds of 12WBT and turned their lives around
– and my “intell cell”. The people involved in the 12WBT program themselves. Exercise gurus, nutritionists etc that are giving me the tools I need to get this done.

When I look at that I see what a formidable army I’ve got around me. It’s both humbling and empowering. I know that its me that has to do the day to day “dirty work” but its also me that gets to reap the rewards.

I can’t wait for the round to kick off fully but in the mean time I’m really enjoying the battles I’m already winning.

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