Figuring out the why

Well today is Weigh In Wednesday… or as it has been rebranded – Weekly Checkpoint Wednesday. I’m not jumping with joy today although I probably should be. I lost 300gms. The number itself is not jumpworthy but the fact I lost anything at all given the week I have had food wise probably is. But I’m not jumping. I’m disappointed in myself. I have eaten myself stupid this week. Not just at the 3 social events I’ve had where I ate (and drank) way more than I needed to either. What most disappoints me is what is happening at home. Boredom and unpreparedness are my worst enemies. Monday I had a morning with Nanna which is never fun. Stupid thing was I thought it was Tuesday morning that i had her, so when the reminder went off in my phone for her appointment it threw me totally out of sorts. I did grab a healthy breakfast before i ran out the door but that was it. My laziness over the weekend also meant I hadn’t done the weekly shopping, so after finishing with Nanna I stopped off at Coles on my way home… but by then I was hungry. I should NEVER shop when I’m hungry. Especially when i have been craving crap, namely red rock deli chips, for days. Result was I detoured down the crap aisle and specifically bought chips… AND chocolate. Then I ate the bloody chips in the car on the way home. The whole large bag! To top that off when i got home, instead of making myself a healthy lunch i ate an entire block of chocolate. I can’t even blame TTOM! It’s total self sabotage. 1800 cals of self sabotage. That was the “lunch” my body was supposed to draw the nutrients it needs to fuel me for the afternoon from.

Now my body is an absolutely amazing machine. Tuesday night I went for a run. My body, fuelled by total rubbish, ran 9.3km in 1hr and 4 min including running up stairs and some decent hills. My body is a miracle. I am in awe of it. 9.3km!

That run felt FANTASTIC. Even whilst I was doing it! Well ok it was mainly the last 1km which was downhill which felt fantastic but still it felt right. Feeding my face chips and chocolate did not feel right. It felt wrong. Why then did I do it? Why is it that sitting here now writing this post I want to do it again? Why 8 months into this journey have I not learned this lesson?

I need to figure out the why. I need to start being totally honest. The nutrition slippage hasn’t just happened. It’s been going on for a while now. It’s been pretty bad almost constantly since my birthday. (result being I am only 200g lighter than I was 3 weeks ago).  The only reason my weight isn’t up I think is because I seem to have found my running mojo. I need to control the food. I have a sneaking suspicion that all the compliments I have been receiving lately may have something to do with it. My family and friends have really started to notice the loss and are telling me I look great. They are telling me they are PROUD of me. Is that it? Do I not think I deserve pride and praise? Am I self sabotaging to prove them wrong? I mean I’ve been proud of myself. I guess though, the pride I have found in myself has not been about the weight loss. I have been proud of achieving distances or times in my runs. I have been proud of finishing challenges I thought impossible. The weightloss though doesn’t feel like an achievement. In all honesty I sometimes feel guilty about it. It’s been easy. Shit now I’ve said it out loud I realise there is a lot of guilt associated with that. Weightloss is not meant to be easy right? If it was easy I should have done it years ago… or never let myself become a 98kg 156cm blimp in the first place. But really doing the 12WBT the weightloss part is easy. Follow the program (food + exercise) and the weight comes off. Simple. But yet not so simple. My head is my biggest enemy.

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I need to convince myself that I am worthy of praise. Worthy of people’s faith in me. I need to believe it is ok not to be invisible (note to self write blog on invisibility). I need to learn how to live in this new slimmer but still far from slim body. I need to value what it can do enough to fuel it right. I know this in the logical part of my brain, but obviously there is another part of me that is still struggling with these concepts or else I would not be eating enough to fuel a Romanian weight lifting team! I feel like I am letting people down. The amazing pink ladies (12WBT inner westies) who on a daily basis inspire me with their amazing achievements. I present this front to them. I pretend I am in control. That I’m smashing goals. But I’m not. I’m stuffing my face. I’m lying to them and to myself. My family who are so proud. My friends who show so much faith in me and who bought me such thoughtful gifts for my birthday for this new body. I am letting them all down. But mostly i am letting myself down. I just don’t know how to stop… and I’m SCARED, I’m so scared I will go back to that fat unhappy blob. I don’t want to do that. I want to be the fit, healthy PJ everyone else thinks I am becoming. I just need to fix my head

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*Edit: Sorry if this post is rambling. I find just putting thoughts on paper can sometimes help me.

Dexa Scan Results at halfway

Today I went for my second Dexa scan of this journey at Measure Up in Sydney (www.measureup.com.au) . Some of you may remember when I went for my original scan back in January. It was a traumatic experience with horrendous results and I was in tears. I did however manage to walk back home from the appointment in the city and it took me almost an hour and a half. You can read about the full experience here: https://searchtofindrealpj.wordpress.com/2013/01/11/a-different-kind-of-before-photo/ if you are interested.

Today though I was actually looking forward to the scan results. I wanted to see how I was going. One of the dangers of doing a low calorie program like 12WBT is that you can actually start losing muscle instead of fat. (1200 cals a day is considered low). I wanted to make sure I was losing fat.

So I was feeling kind of positive as I climbed up onto the scanning bed. This time as the Michellin man image started to appear, the old image was beside it, and whilst I still look humongous, I could already see that there was a lot less of me than in the previous image. Then came the results. Since my last scan (taken at the end of warm up for round 1) I have lost 19.4kgs. Of that 19.4kg, 16.9kg of it was FAT! Thats almost 17kg of fat gone from my body. That is the same as the average weight of a 4 year old! I’m thrilled 🙂 in addition to that I have only lost 2.5kg of muscle. I still have over 45kg of muscle so apparently that small loss is no big deal. My consultant was thrilled. So much so they’ve asked if I will be “scan of the month” for their facebook page to inspire other people. I’m a bit chuffed 🙂

Here is a comparison of the two scans:

Scan from Jan on left, Aug on right, 19.4kg lighter, 16.9kg fat gone forever

19.4kg lighter, 16.9kg fat gone forever Yellow is fat, red is lean muscle mass and blue is bone

 

There is still too much fat there. I am still made up of 29.5kg of fat or 38% of my body weight. I need to get that down under 25%. But whereas my last scan recommendation was to lose 24-27kg of fat, (a HUGELY daunting number) this scan the recommendation is to lose 9-10kg of fat. That seems highly achievable!

After the end of the scan i didn’t just walk home. I RAN home. in under 45 minutes. Almost half the time of that depressing walk in January. I love this scan because it really shows how this is assisting my health. I’m going to take a copy to my doctor this afternoon and I know she will be pleased. I’m looking forward to having another one done in January when hopefully I will be down to healthy levels!

A week of achievements and surprises :-)

Last week I was a bit down about stalled weight loss and no changes on the tape measure. On the weekend though I met up with some of the fabulous Inner Westie crew to do our fitness tests. The day did not start well… our regular 1km route was waterlogged so we had to find an alternative. Once we’d sorted that out (what did we do before smart phones with GPS apps???) we were ready to go. I was feeling good all dressed up in my brand new workout gear picked up at the Aldi sale (I figure it wont fit for long so why spend a lot of $$$?). Big mistake. As the pants started to slip down over my (still voluptuous) rear end within the first 10m and the shirt proceeded to ride up, I realised the folly of doing a fitness test in untested gear. I did attempt to run whilst holding them up in order to save the people behind me from a horrendous surprise, but I am not that talented. I had to abort the run and walked back to pick up everyone elses gear and meet them at the finish line. I was so thrilled to hear all their times as everyone had done a PB, but I did lament what might have been. The girls I usually run around the same pace as had done sub 6min or just a few sec over. My previous time was 6:27. If i had worn old trusted clothes I might have gone close to 6 min!

Oh well. We moved on to the rest of the test which thankfully I could complete without being arrested for indecent exposure. I was totally thrilled with my results: – an extra push up on my toes and an extra 10 on my knees, an extra 21 sec on my wall sit, and an extra 25 sec on my plank. I even managed to squeeze out an extra cm on my stretch test. Happy days! Add to that the PB I had done running the Bay the day before (52:16 for 7km YEAH BABY!) and I was back to feeling fantastic about how far I’ve come.

Monday I woke up not feeling fab. I skipped the early morning spin class and went for an 8km walk with a friend instead. Even that had me breathing hard. I needed to do that 1km time trial though, so after the walk when i was nice and warm I headed back to the park. As I was walking to the start point I realised I had never before run 1km non stop on my own. It really started playing with my head. I did try telling myself “well this will be the first time” but I wasn’t feeling confident. Confidence fell further as I started to run. By 300m I could hardly breathe. Every step hurt. I wasn’t sure I would be able to complete it. I made a pact with myself though that I would at least get to the car which was roughly half way and that if I needed to stop then i would and come back when I felt better (and had company). I wasn’t quite dead at 500m though and I really wanted to just get it over with and break the solo running hoodoo so I kept going. I didn’t have much left at the end to sprint like I usually do but I gave it everything I had. When I finished I hit the pause on the timer/HRM and collapsed on a bench struggling to breathe. I couldn’t even focus enough to see my time. Eventually though I recovered enough to see straight on OMG what a sight to see! 6:03!!! A 24 sec PB… ON MY OWN! Absolutely THRILLED with that!

I was riding on that high all day even though the flu hit me like a ton of bricks a couple of hours later. Somewhere in my delirium I also thought it might be a good idea to sign up for the 10km run in the Melbourne Marathon festival in October. A bunch of Inner Westies had done the GC at various differences (including some marathons!) and I was inspired by them and wanted to experience something like that (including the post run celebrations) for myself… plus there was the lure of a nice shiny medal… for a sport! I’ve never achieved anything sportswise before so that was pretty powerful. SO Ive done it. I’m registered in the 10km. At the moment I’m aiming to finish it in 1hr 20 min. Yes its slow but 8min kms over 10ks seems achievable. faster doesnt. The Asics training program seems to think I can do it in 1hr 4 min. Thankfully there is no maximum time for the course. I’ll just get overtaken by other runners from other distances. I’m used to that 🙂

With the flu knocking me for 6 I wasn’t holding out much hope for this mornings weigh in. I ate a ton over the weekend and haven’t been able to train since that 1km run. Hardly enough to counteract the damage. I was totally shocked then to jump on the scales and see I’d lost 800g. That OFFICIALLY means I’ve lost over 20kgs. YES!!!!! At last! Been knocking on the door for a few weeks so very happy to finally break that barrier 🙂 That’s also about half way to what I need to lose. Now to work on the next 5. Somehow goals just don’t seem impossible anymore

 

 

Shattered expectations

I had high hopes for this week. I’ve trained like an absolute demon all week, my food has been great (apart from last night when poor preparation resulted in a packet of Twisties for dinner… under calories but hardly nutritious). I have a deficit of 2051 calories based on BMR – Food consumed and had burned 4304 cals via exercise so that should be   almost a 1kg loss based purely on the sums. I hadn’t had a huge loss on the scales last week, so I was all prepared for a good result and to smash through the 20kgs lost barrier. Life it seems had other ideas. Jumped on the scales and lo and behold 200g lost. Thats it. 200 measly grams. I’ve had bowel movements that weighed more than that! What’s worse was 100g short of the 20kg loss. To my credit I was only upset by this for a few seconds, before my new brain switched in to gear. No worries I though, so what the scales suck, I’ll grab the measuring tape. It’s week 8 of Round 2, time to do my measurements. I’ve been getting loads of compliments from people on how I look, my clothes are looser, I HAVE to have lost some cm since I measured 4 weeks ago.

WRONG! Bust measurement UP 1cm, which nicely counteracted the 1cm down off my waist, leaving me with a net loss of 2cm which came off 1 arm. Lost absolutely nothing off my hips legs etc. I couldn’t believe it. I was absolutely gutted 😦 I admit my response to the tape was nowhere near as logical and sensible as my response to the scales. After all, everyone always says, if you don’t see the results on the scales, don’t worry, you’ll get them on the tape and its more important that you measure smaller than that you weigh less. So here I am with crap results on both. Usually I’m able to celebrate other people’s success even when it far outstrips mine. Not today though. Posts from people who “had a bad week with food and only managed to exercise 1 or 2 days but still lost 1kg” just upset me. How dare they get great results when I worked my butt off, including 3 1000cal+ burn days and got nothing. Worse was when the measurements started being put out there. There are people who have lot more cm in 8 weeks of this round than I have lost since I started this journey. It’s not fair. I’m not saying they don’t deserve their results but I work just as hard so don’t I deserve results too?

So that was my childish, foot stomping mindset that I started the day with. I rebelled. I didn’t organise lunch knowing full well that would mean I would have to buy it (ended up buying a chicken wrap which wasnt too bad but still not ideal). I debated skipping the gym and just sulking on the couch. Lucky for me, a very wise woman pointed out that it’s not always about the numbers. She’s done several rounds and had huge success but the numbers have stalled a bit for her. She however returned to oztag today and was the fittest person on the field. and that was after she’d done a gym session. She’s right. I dragged my sorry butt to the gym tonight and did a Kimax class. 6 months ago that class would have killed me. Literally. I would have had a heart attack 10 min in… IF I survived the warm up. Not tonight though. I punched, kicked, elbowed and knee’d that bag like a demon. I took all my anger and frustration on that bag. When we did our runs between rounds and were told to sprint I ran flat out. I didnt jog like a lot of the others in the class and I certainly didnt walk, and then I was straight back on to the bag ready to go again. All the way to the end of the class. 1 hour and 600 cals later, sure I was dripping with sweat, but I felt GREAT. I had given it everything and I was still standing. I am STRONG. I am FIT. I am AWESOME, and if the scales and measuring tape can’t see that well stuff them.

It’s not always about the numbers

I'm not waiting until goal weight to live the life i want.

I’m not waiting until goal weight to live the life I want. I’m living my “after photo” NOW

It’s all about Perception

Weigh in morning Wednesday I didn’t have high hopes. My body had told me I needed to back it off a bit so although I had done 5 days of exercise I’d gone a bit easier than usual and instead of a Super Session on Saturday I’d done a (most enjoyable) belly dancing class and only burned around 350 cals. Couple that with not 1 but 2 red flag days where calorie counting went out the window and I figured I would be lucky to get away with no gain. Surprisingly I still managed to lose half a kilo so I’m absolutely thrilled with that! Just goes to show that this program has really helped bring my metabolism back to life.

There have been a few things happening on facebook lately which got me to thinking…One lady posted that she has been getting lots of compliments about her weight loss but can’t yet see it in herself. Another lady put up a family photograph that had been taking and explained how horrified she was by how she looked it and how much she hated the photo. I looked at the photo and the first thing I noticed was the way her young sun was hugging her with a total adoring grin on his face. To me the photo radiated love. Obviously her son has no problem with the way she looks, all he sees is his wonderful mummy who loves him and takes care of him and whom he loves and adores with all his heart and probably thinks is the most beautiful woman in the world. She looks at the photo and sees only her excess weight. Myself and others look at the photo and see only a loving family.

The same feelings came up with the lady who cant see her own weight loss. I’m the same, I can see the results on the scales, I know logically that having lost almost 20kg there has to be less of me and I have to look slimmer. I get compliments from my family and friends on how good I am looking. However when I look in the mirror I don’t see a slimmer woman… I see the fat.I see the rolls on my stomach, the wobbly thighs, the bingo wings. Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW I’m fitter. Its much easier to see the fitness improvements. I can run longer, I can lift more, I don’t get puffed easily anymore. All that is easy to recognise. But the shrinkage? I still can’t see that. Even when I’m working out its hard not to focus on the tummy flapping up and down!

So maybe it’s time to look at ourselves through someone else’s eyes.  Maybe we should try to see ourselves the way our loved ones do… or even how complete strangers do. Others don’t focus on our flaws. We do that. Why are we harsher on ourselves than anyone ever would be? So for this week that’s going to be my personal challenge. I’m going to try and see myself the way my 4yo niece sees me – The super fun, energetic, adventurous aunt who can keep up with her and isn’t afraid of anything… not even fat. Who knows, she may be right. It’s all about perception 🙂

I’m living in the 70’s!!!

70s

Turn on the Lava Lamp, it’s time to ditch the leg warmers and pull on the psychedelic  flairs, kicking the 80s to the kerb. In the words of Skyhooks I’m Livin in the 70’s!!! The stalled weight loss of the last few weeks is a thing of the past. The last few weeks I’ve been knocking on the door of the 80kg benchmark, and this morning I smashed right through it! 1.6kg loss for the week  means the weight is starting to shift again and I’m oh so happy! The 100g loss of last week did play with my head a bit, but thankfully not enough to bring on a binge. Quite the opposite actually. I was tempted to under eat, but that doesn’t work either. It was a tough time but I reached out and got some fabulous support and a reminder of how far I have come. So I’ve committed (publicly) to eating every single one of my calories every single day. I’ve also started taking a magnesium supplement as I seem to have a permanent case of DOMS the last few weeks which is making everything seem hard. They seem to be working and I’m looking forward to smashing out some more calories tonight at kimax. Have a great week everyone!

 

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Bumps along the road

It’s been an interesting few days for me. The long weekend saw me on massive highs from fitness achievements. I’m still on a high really. Tuesday I had an overnight trip to Canberra for work, meaning I wouldn’t be able to weigh in as usual on Wednesday. I decided to weigh in Tuesday morning before I left. POP that burst my bubble! Down a measly 100gm. At first I was disappointed. I guess I was expecting a good number to go with my great weekend… I really wanted to get into the 70’s this week. I figured with all the calories I’d burned over the weekend I was OWED that much. My inner teenager started foot stomping and sulking. Then I remembered everything else I have achieved this week, how awesomely my body had performed, and then honesty kicked in and I remembered the 2 red flag days with the less than stellar food choices made. (read all calorie counting thrown to the wind). So ok maybe a 100g loss isn’t so bad after all. Yes it means I didn’t get under 80 this week, but I’m 100g closer and I’ll get there next week… or the week after. Either way I know I WILL get there. Ok full blown tantrum averted. Off to Canberra.

 

Canberra ended up being one of those days where things just didn’t go right. Not just for me either. My team were stressed and grumpy too. Unfortunately none of it was due to anything I could fix. I was so relieved when the day was over. Instead of doing what I knew I should have done (the at home workout in my hotel room) I went for a bit of retail therapy. I did get some cute new boots that I needed, but I didn’t really burn any extra calories or build my strength. Then the team and I decided that pre dinner drinks were in order to wind down, so I stopped off and bought nibblies to go with the wine. So I spent the early evening, eating and drinking copious amounts of red wine. By the time we decided to head off to dinner I wasn’t really hungry, but I went anyway. More drinking, more eating. Including dessert. I think the inner teenager might have snuck out again and decided that since I haven’t lost any weight I may as well stuff my face.

IDIOT! By the time we left the restaurant I was feeling really ill. My stomach was one giant cramp. It felt like it would explode out of my body at any second. I couldn’t even fit a sip of water in. It was awful. The walk back to the hotel I was in agony. I can’t believe I used to have nights like that regularly and think nothing of it. The pain was awful. If someone had offered me a stomach pump at that point I would have grabbed it with both hands. As none was available I did the next best thing. I purged. This is not a behaviour I condone in the slightest. Its not one I’ve ever really indulged in. Generally speaking I can only make myself vomit if I am actually sick. This time, it was a case of knowing I needed to sleep but that the way I was feeling there was no way I could sleep. So I did it. And it relieved the pressure in my stomach. It meant I could sleep.

The upshot of all of that, is not that I’ve found a new way to eat what I want and not gain weight. The upshot is that I have realised that I no longer WANT to over eat. It is no longer pleasurable. I don’t care how nice the food tastes, if I eat too much of it the pain is so not worth it. What’s more I don’t have to weight days until I see the results on the scales as my consequence. That pain is almost immediate (just not quite immediate enough to stop me getting there).  Bulimia is a very real and dangerous condition and it’s not one I want to move towards. My heart goes out to anyone who battles this.

So yeah there have been a couple of speedbumps along the road this week, but you know what, my body is a 4WD all terrain vehicle. I’m going to drive right over these bumps and continue on my journey. They will not stop me. I WILL reach my destination. All they’ve done is slowed me down a touch… and sometimes you need to slow down to allow yourself to absorb whats going on around you.