Sweat and Tears

I’ve been complimented a few times in regards to my positive mindset for this challenge, and largely that is true. I have complete faith in the program and the people (Michelle and her team) that run it. I don’t however always have complete faith in myself. Today it all came crashing down.

I had planned to get up early this morning (early being around 6.30 or 7am for an afternoon shift week) to get the the gym at work and do the C25k on the treadmill and maybe some boxing, then coming home and doing the Earn Your Burn video to get my calories up for the day. I set the alarm. My workout gear was laid out. I went to bed early. In theory I was ready. I even woke up before the alarm… actually I’d been awake on and off half the night as I’d had a series of nightmares and so didn’t want to go back to sleep. I wasn’t tired though so that wasn’t the excuse for not getting out of bed. I laid there, awake, thinking I should be getting up. It’s the perfect time. I can get my workout done and still have time to myself before work. Instead I just laid there. So I started asking myself why? Why don’t I want to get up and do my workout. I mean I’ve done my excuses task, so I was ready for all the excuses I’d come up with there… instead my devious little pee brain came up with a new one that stumped me. “I just don’t want to”. WTF!?!!? What followed may be grounds for committing me to a mental institution. I had an argument with myself. “I don’t want to”… “So what we all do things we don’t want to, it’s called life”… “You can’t make me”… “Do you want to be fat forever? Just get up and do the bloody workout it will be done then”. This went on and on… for over an hour I am ashamed to say. Eventually I remembered my colleague that I had looked dead in the eye and made my commitment to. The same colleague who was no doubt expecting to see me at the gym today. The colleague I will see when I get to work and who will definitely ask me how my workout was since I didn’t go to the gym. Even the petulant child within me couldn’t face disappointing him so I dragged myself out of bed.

That wasn’t the end of the procrastination though. Oh no. I decided to have breakfast first, as that way I’d still be able to space my snacks out properly for the day (excuse). Bad move. Eating breakfast meant I had to wait an hour before I could do the workout. That meant I got on the computer…. Thankfully I came onto the forums, saw that other people are also struggling and thought, I can’t very well be trying to motivate and encourage others when I am sitting on my fat lazy butt all morning so I went to today’s workout and hit play on the video. I did have to pause it several times before I started though… oops “forgot” to put HRM on… oops “forgot my sweat towel”… oops “forgot” my water bottle. Seriously sometimes my own childishness astounds me.

Eventually I got going though and I was going along ok… or so I thought. I was struggling by the end of the 45 sec bursts and panting all the way through the 15 sec rest breaks but I was doing it. (Doing less of the intermediate and more of the beginner than I probably should, but still dripping with sweat.) It all came to a crashing end about the time of the 2nd “final blast” though. Michelle was talking in the video, trying to get the viewers to “push it”. Asking to “show me your commitment”, “show me your passion!”. That was the end for me. The floodgates opened and I collapsed on the floor sobbing my heart out. I have no passion for exercise. I can do the food commitment but can i really do the exercise? I’m SO unfit. 45 seconds of work and I can hardly breathe and am feeling like I want to throw up (breakfast first was NOT a good idea!). I crawled to the laptop and paused the video and sat howling into my sweat towel. I mean the really embarrassing loud, shoulder heaving HOWLS. I’m sure people on the street outside could hear me. I didn’t care. I just kept crying. I was however grateful I was at home in my loungeroom and not in a gym class or the middle of an oval. I don’t even really know why I was crying so much. I think it was a combination of exhaustion, fear, frustration, pain and probably hormones (will have to check calendar).

After a few minutes I was able to retain some composure, and finished the rest of the workout. I even surprised myself by getting my wrists all the way to my knees during the sit ups which I haven’t been able to do before. I think that was my body’s way of showing me that even though I am still struggling… a LOT, I am making improvements. I need to learn to celebrate those improvements and not be quite so hard on myself when I find the going tough (I do need to continue to be hard on myself when I’m being a lazy brat though). Now my workout is done. I only burned 426 cals though so I need to do something else. I’m hoping work wont be too late tonight and I can call on a friend or someone to go for a walk with me. I think I need the company today.